Everyday is a struggle that i more often than not end up losing in one way or another. At the end of the day those failure are all i see. Whether in the shape of open bleeding wounds, vomit in the toilet, drugs in my system, or even just the feeling that bring me down. There is always failure inside of me. Today i've failed in every way. When i look in the mirror i forget how to breathe. Not because i'm beautiful, but because i'm so confused at why i am the way i am. Who am i? I'm obviously no who i think i am, because the person i thought i was would be able to stop herself. She'd have control. i have none. Every breath i take feels closer to my last as i live a life that was supposed to have already ended. A life lived on borrowed tiem will never be a happy life. My baby died because it was never supposed to be created in the first place. I wonder if i'll meet her in heaven? Who am i kidding. I'm going straight to hell

How long can an individual sleep? The internet is full of information of people, who sleep 18-20 hours, at one go. On certain days, I too, need to sleep lonng hours. Thoses days, I cann't force myself to get up howmuchever I try. I need to be in bed, in a dark, silent room.  Those are my hibernation times. They happen (when I am stressed or after a few hours of socializing), almost every fortnight. on thoses days, I go to bed around 7-8ish in the evening and wake up  around 3 pm, next day. Then manage to gobble up some food and hit the bed again, until night. Some of my friends , especially, my former roommates from college and University, compared me to Kumbhakarna. He is a giant who sleeps for 12 days straight. He is featured in one of the Indian epics, "Ramayana". The comparison ofcourse, seems over the top to, me. But I can not blame them either. They found me horizontal more often than vertical. But those were days when I loved sleeping. I would fall asleep within five minutes and sleep through the 'din of drums'...But now, it is no longer the love of sleep. It has turned into a physical need, to sleep. I took quite a while to understand this symptom. But now, I allow myself to sleep through the day, in order to, feel capable of handling life, the next day, or the day after. It scares me though. How will I cope with this problem once, I start working...which I intend to do, soon.

"Just give me a smile and let me know you're thinking of me at times and I will be happy to struggle with you."

"I believe in you.  I believe in us.  I will Love you Forever."

"I may not fully understand what my wife is going through, but you are worth giving everything I can to be here always for you."

For all my talk of Unconditional Love Forever, I failed to be there when she needed me.  I chose not to be there for her needs because I felt like she hurt my feelings.  Feelings are not facts.  I took things personally when I should have been her support.  Her needs should always come before my wants.

I am sorry.  I made a mistake, but I am not living in guilt.  I am learning from my mistake and will be there for her when she needs me.  She asked, "What is happening to to us?"  I think we both Love eachother so much still that we do not want to hurt the other so we hurt ourselves trying so hard.

Lord I pray you help me not to take things personally, but to realize that the illness is what we are fighting and that she is still the person that I insist I will Unconditionally Love. Forgive me when I feel offended or take my eyes off of how wonderful and caring my bride is.  Above all I Love my wife, support my wife, and WILL be there for her ALWAYS!

Help me remember my words daily and give her my full undivided attention.  She is worth it!

With All My Love Forever

Because it is what you have always done the best to heal me and make me feel better.

I want to heal.  I don't want this pain in my heart any more.  I cry every day.  I cry every night.

I beg and plead with God to stop this, stop me.

I hear secular words coming out of the mouths of people who lead secular lives while claiming to love God.  How do they help me?

You have always been my truest love, my greatest love.  We belong together and we should be whole and happy.

I love you so much I just let you destroy my soul.

I am not lost without you.  I am not alone without you.

Hebrews 11:1

Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

 

I hope that you love me.  I hope that you want me.  I hope that you will take the chance.  I believe in you.  I have faith in you.  I trust you.

I do not want fear, I want courage.  Courage to have faith.  I want to be certain that you love me, even though I do not see it.  I want to be certain that you want to come home and be a whole again, even though I do not see it.

I cannot make it a reality.  I cannot change the past.  I can only make a better future.

I remember reading "if I do all of these things and have not love...".

I have love and hope in spades.  The one thing that I have had peace with today is in Hebrews 11:1.

Love never fails and true love never dies.  It believes all things and endures all things and man am I enduring A LOT! right now.

I plan on each week giving him a little note, even if he asks me not to, I will still hand him a little hand written note of love - just telling him how I appreciate him and all he has done for us as a family.

My note today was about how much I respected him for giving up going to collage so that he could get a job with health insurance to cover my medications.  I told him that I realize that was a hard decision for him.

I think with that note I should follow it up with the note that I will support him in any way I can so that he can return (as he plans to this fall anyway).

 

I know God hears me and sees my tears and feels my soul.  Search me and know me Oh God and if You find any fault within me, please show me how to fix it.

God finds no fault with love.  God has forgiven my past misdeeds.  God has forgotten them.

I do not wish to turn to secular ways to find how to heal.  I pray to God to heal me and yet I don't heal.  I still cry and humiliate myself.  But am I humiliating myself really?  Is there any good coming from my words and actions?

 

I am happy that soon my best girlfriend will be living with me. I can ask her to step in and be proxy for me in receiving the kids when they come home.  I know she will do so in order to help me out.  To focus on something else will help me heal and if I don't have to be there to face him (as he demands) then I can start to heal.

Having her here alone will help me to start to heal.  I will have her support and her love and her backup.  I will have her mothering me - LOL!  Because she and I are too much alike that I know she will coddle me and lift me up.

 

On my wall is a sign - Failure is the Stepping Stone to Success - well, I fail a lot with him - epic fail you can say - I choose to believe that is one step further to success.

 

And to have the BFF run interference, even better.

When I wake up in the morning, for the first few moments I feel elated. But as reality seeps in this peaceful, confident, elated feeling sinks into depression. I wish I could build a shield to prevent depression from taking over the mind.