I would like to think that my bad periods are a thing of the past.  But, I know that being depressed is just a part of life.  I do not mean that I will live with depression for the rest of my life.  I feel the exact opposite to be true. That a life of depression is not in my future.  I have been without depression for two years, and I  feel very confident that I  have the tools to deal with any future encounter.

What I mean when I write that "being depressed is just a part of life," is that we (Americans and a big chuck of the world) have been led to believe that if we are feeling blue there is something chemically wrong with a brain, and all we need to do is take a magic pill and everything will be alright.  I was never doing great when I was on antidepressants, and I am now a firm believer that for most of the depressed there is very little that an antidepressant can do that something less malignant can do as well or better.  Depression  for me, and for many individuals, is just a reaction to life's stress.  I will never be able to remove the stress from my life, but I have learned and will continue to learn how to deal with the stress and hopefully keep any major episode of depression at bay.

Lately, I have been going through a rough patch.  It is a combination of many things. The winter has been terrible in New England this year.  By terrible I mean that is has been warm and no snow.  Many may find this wonderful.  Last winter I was out skiing and snow shoeing all of the time--not once this year.  And, although it has been warm enough to get on the bike, it is not warm enough to enjoy a really long ride.   The winds can make even  a fairly mild day in the 40s seem cold when I only have two thin layers of clothing between be and the elements.  I was able to get one ride in of 36 miles that was pretty good, but beyond that most rides have hovered around twenty miles. Most weeks I am averaging about 50 miles.

My family recently joined the Y. It is nice that we are finally financially secure enough to join the Y without feeling a financial pinch.  But, exercising inside for me has never been good as getting outside.

The short days are also getting to me.  The one thing that I really hate about the winter is the short days.

However, all of these depressants would be easy to overcome if I could just get over the one big issue that I have been dealing with for the past six years. Lack of full-time employment.  After loosing my teaching job, and going into a deep depression, I did not look for a job for two years. Almost four years ago I got a part-time job at a super market.  Two and a half  years ago I started to look for full-time work. I have not found a thing.

Not only have I found very few jobs to apply to, I have never had a single employer call me. I used to teach, but have found it difficult to look for jobs in education.  I did not have the best experience with teaching, and often feel that no one would want to hire me with my  track record.

I did go back to school and earned a Tech. Writing Certificate from a well regarded university.  But, nothing has come from it.

So, lately my self esteem has been pretty low.  I will be 42 soon, and I work with teenagers and 20 somethings.  I feel that no one is ever going to hire me for a real job for which I can use my brain and my eight years of college.  When I do find a job that I am qualified to do, I am often hesitant to apply because I am sure that nothing will come of it.  Many have asked me why I do not become a manager where I work.  My response is always the same--I hate my job, and have no desire to do it full-time.

I get though these tough periods by being as positive as possible.  I know others are going through what I am going through.  At my daughters bus stop there are several fathers that have been unemployed or underemployed for a very long time.  I do the things that I know will help me get through the day.  I stay busy, and I exercise.  but, on some days it is just damn hard to stay motivated.

Enjoy life,

Peter

Lately all ive been hearing is "be strong", "it will be better", "everything happens for a reason" and "the world is a beautiful place". But it's not! Things aren't and the world is messed up. We tell ourselves so much bulshit to try and get us through the day, take away the pain and understand all the confusion and confliction (good and bad) in our lives, but it's not right. The world isn't a beautiful place. It's fucked up and it's creul and it's only placed with beautiful things and moments as a deceit to make us feel like we want to be here, like we have a choice. But we don't! And i couldnt imagine that if we did most of us would still be here.

 I once saw somewhere "There is no magic in the world" and the statement holds more truth to it then we could ever imagine. My magic's gone, all of it! And now more than ever i feel like there's nothing ill ever be able to do to get it back.

Im all alone in this world, we all are one way or another. Some of us are just give a facade of friends, family, understanding, confidence or some kind of hypocracy to either lie to us or save us from the truth.

I single handeldy managed to screw up evertything in my life and the only thing i thought i ever really did ok with is gone- vanished! and now i dont know if i ever really had it in the first place.

My magic was the good in me, the part that succeeded, that could work, that was normal and that was happy.  I said it before! This will kill me, one way or another. And i no longer feel like i belong here or can stay here anymore. There's no more magic left in the world. 

There's no more magic left in me.  

Sorry for the lack of writing in here for such a while. Its been hectic and I've been really exhausted. Decision making skills zero. I've been too tired to medicate through gown or with Kuhn Rikon. However, I recently read and watched a video by a group called 'The Black Dog Tribe'. Its a group where Ruby Wax is kinda the face of it. http://www.blackdogtribebeta.com/people-like-you/stigma-0 I watched it, read some comments there and then wrote this: That video really struck home. However, the main stigma I face is from myself. I guess part of what I'm going through is trying to accept what is going on, that is part of my fight. As a result of this battle for many years is that I have hallucinations, and new ones keep turning up. I think that is the first time I have mentionned it on fb in like a comment or anything. Maybe if this depression is part of who I am, then I should let potential friends know about it. Maybe acceptance will make the depression less potent. I dont really know. I am desperate now. So far there is no response, but maybe that is due to the fact I just posted it 20 seconds ago.

I've been exhausted today for no apparent reason. I can't wait for sleep, yet as usual, I await Monday morning with an anxious feeling in my stomach. That feeling isn't just reserved for the employed and the start of yet another working week; it's probably even worse for the unemployed. It's another week of battling, trying, banging my head against a brick wall. However, I feel a little positive as I reviewed my CV earlier for the first time in a few months and tweaked it.

I'm determined to have a positive week. I don't want to be consumed by James, yet of course I still want to see him. I saw Vicky in town on Saturday, and she was so nice to me. I was surprised she even acknowledged me, and I appreciated her talking to me. She said she was really pleased that he'd met a nice girl for once. I want to make this work, and I want to make sure it's right.

First i have to start at the begining,

On my birthday Sept2010,my wife told me that she is pregnant,witch at first ,i got to admit wasn't what i accpected to hear but as the months went by i got very axited about the idea.

I for one don't remember any dates(at all).But MAY 20th is inprinted in my mind as it happend yesterday.I got up early that morning to go to work so i can get done with my chores(im a farmer),thank God i did.For some reason our dog Molly didnt go to work with me just haning around my wife all the time ,bud anyway,i got home .Just sat down to take my dirty boots off and then it happend.The first thing that went was her speeach,iwas still in a panic when her right arm suddenly fell down(she was pointing to her face at the time)i loaded her in the pickup and rushed her to hopital.All this while my beautifull wife is 24 weeks pregnant .Sitting in tha waiting room just killed me then the diagnosis a big brain hemirage ,the size off a golf ball,I mean this shit only happens in movies .

We got airlifted to AVERA MCKENNAN .Where they got a better diagnosis,a.v.m.THEN and this is whats keeping me awake at night i had to choose between my wife and baby girl.SO i choose my wife,the doctor said they would try to keep her pregnant and get the  little one save throught it all,but we had a 70 percent chance of losing one or the other!!

Both survived the surgery ,and they kept my baby girl healthy.Bud here is the kicker boys and girls!As she was recovering after major brain surgery,she picked up some nasty bacterial infection ,i swear my hart sunk so low .O shit this is it another annurism.I'm fucking losing her again,my baby girl was born that night at 27 weeks

Then the long road to recovery was realy hard and long and i take my hat off for my wife she fought through all this shit and have aways to go but keeping strong.About 8 months into the recovery she starting having seizure and i thought i was losing her again ,how much can a guy take I am so tired but cant sleep,I have to check on them every our to see if theyre still o.kWhats really pissing me off is that no one nows why im losing it ,why i have the anxiety.why i am depressed.I dont know bud its realy hard i think something broke in my head and i cant fix it .Help ,i cant talk to my wife she will think its all her fault and blame herself.

I know i got alot to be thankfull,but cant seem t get myself out of this hole .Doctor think i hav e like a bipolar disorder or something,o,and i got such a bad ulcer from all this i cant eat ,i lost about 30 pounds and couting