what is love...??? is the question we all search answers for...!!!

i have  fallen in love many times ., as in i had 6 boyfriends in my life.. all become ex's as of  today. i have seen a shortfilm in youtube saying true love with caption true love is not forgotten and if forgotten isn't true love... such breath holding lines right... but my point is the every person who came into my life and i thought that he might b the one , i loved him truly with loyalty but later they cheated on me and hurted me then does it mean mine wasnt true love because  i moved on strongly in search of that true love.. but never found  it... every body broke my trust. mentally so devastating that now i have gotten so insecure that i am so scared to trust my fiance who doesnt get tired from saying that he would b there with  me for the next coming 64 years.... i like him , infact i love him so much that i proposed him first n wanna get married so desperately ., but at the same  time my mind is so insecured and negative that i am so exhausted fighting with my own thoughts.. my last boyfriend was so mice n i really felt for him n decided to get marry but he never assured me or said yes for marriage., i believe strongly that he never ever  had thought of marrying me. so i decided to go for arrange marriage as i didnt want my parents to go through the same pain as , thought that would go for arrange marriage n compromise for some days as my parents would b happy thinking that they have fulfilled their responsibilities successfully n then later on i would quit my life as my whoever husband wouldnt love me because i wouldnt b able to love him n afterwards  i die so that everyone would b happy. sounded like a good plan for me but god is so bad that he never lets my plans to work out.. later on i found out that my fiance is a good person in real n i suddenly started liking him..

but later on i found out that my last boyfriend was cheating on me with my bff  n all the care he showed on me was only to slide on to my bed... so now i understand how bad person i am ... generally once mistake committed shouldnt b repeated but everytime same mistake , 6 times same mistake same cheating same playing off with my feelings, made me realised how stupid i am... now my fiance is such a good guy that he doesnt deserve to live with such a fool.. he deserves much better..now i am not right person.. a person who gets cheated 6 times either must b some big fool or some bad sinner who doesnt deserve to b loved... this is so scary... i hate myself,.. these negative thoughts are not letting me to live with peace and so the people around me are not in peasce because of me.. i wish god does some magic n takes me off from this earth or everyone forgets me that a person like me even existed on this earth.

ohh god please help me... these thoughts are killing me from inside

All i wanted was for her to talk to me...it's hard because i want to give her space, but currently going through such a dip of note. Relationships aren't easy when you're like me...they never have been and probably never will be. the thing that makes it worse is that it's long distance and my love language is touch. its so hard, because you want to tell them everything but you also don't want to upset them. sometimes i really just hate being me...i just really hope that i don't mess up this relationship. i stress about it so much,to top it off i have this lovely OCD playing off in my head about ifs :roll: Being broken before has left me with scars and now sometimes my gf has to pay for my insecurities. although i am working on it and it is getting better, it's not easy and will take some time. having trust issues and being in a long distance relationship in not a good combo. BUT! she is worth it! and for the first time i can say she is someone who is truly trying to understand what it is that we go through.

I've been dependent on antidepressants for almost 4 years now - I take it more faithfully than vitamin supplements. It's my spinach, if I were Popeye... but no, not really - it doesn't only give that extra boost (like being able to sing in the shower - yes, it makes me that happy!), it actually makes me survive the next 24 hours until I take one again.

So what happens if I don't? First day, nothing. Second day, starting to be irritated. Third day, irritated, agitated. Fourth day, I become a ticking time bomb. Then fifth, sixth or seventh day, depending on the triggers around, I just spontaneously cry. I've accepted that this is going to be probably the rest of my life. Similar to having some form of chronic pain, a kind of disease that you can't really cure anymore but just need to manage. If I don't, I'm a few steps away from jumping off of a balcony.

But meds are not all a depressed person needs.

A depressed person also needs to shop. (LOL).

Kidding, ofcourse, but yes, I think this is how stressed people deal, right? Some retail therapy? Well, I do think it helps, to a certain point.

But really what we need is a person to talk to. WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

Now, that's hard to find in this day and age when everyone is busy. Everyone needs to make an appointment or check their calendar to give you some free time to whine, rant or just be. No, I am not blaming them because I do the same - and in addition, I don't have that part of myself to give because I'm also dealing with my own stuff (well, not that anyone needs me to talk to...) But what I realized as I go through my life, I find it harder and harder to open up. I used to be this open book, no secrets, telling too much about myself actually, without shame. Now, 10 years later, I find myself secretive, pretending, filtering everything I say even to closest friends. I'm not sure why, I don't think they judge, but I guess I dislike myself that much now to be 100% real. Or maybe I know them too well to actually guess what they would say, and I don't have the tolerance anymore to endure what they say, "true friends will tell you what you don't want to hear". I actually don't know what I want to hear. I also don't know what I want from them. There's just some days that I'd rather not be alone.

I am turning 40 and unsuccessful in life - at least with the meaning of success that society dictates. There is some social pressure to some degree, but I think that it really doesn't matter as much as compared with the pressure from within us. There were countless times in my life when I want to have a fresh start, a new beginning, a change, a do-over , etc. etc. But now, it's different. I don't want to start again. Only if it were up to me, I want my story to end.

21Jan2019

9:39AM

NEW YEAR 2019, a new year wishes symbolises everything new , like new clothes, new positivity , new hope , new enthusiasm , new believes, new start , new happiness and new struggles and new experiences of life .., in all a new beginning of new life....

for me this year started likewise n hope that it goes on the same way all throught the 365 days.. i never believed or made any new year resolutions because i knew that i wont b keeping it up but this year i have made one of being positive in life and not stopping in the middle because of my thoughts., no matter what i need to keep going n keep working... this year i only need to work. nad work and only work n do everything that comes up in my mind...immediately...

i wish a very happy new yea to all n may this yr bring only positivity in everyones life and give them a hope of light to b happy ever after...

merry christmas to all