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STRANGE FEELING

HOW STRANGE FEELING IT IS TO BE ALONE IN A POPULATION OF 10 OR 100 ., AS NUMBER ALWAYS REMAINED A NUMBER N MATTERED NOTHING.  SUCH A PATHETIC FEELING WHEN U WANT SOMEONE TO FIND AND UNDERSTAND  THE TORNADO RUNNING INSIDE U BUT FINDS NO ONE AROUND IN THAT SITUATION. I WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE ME A SHOULDER AND SOMEONE TO SAY THAT "IT'S OKAY, NO MATTER WHAT I AM WITH U AND WILL B ALWAYS" , BUT NO ONE IS THERE TO SAY THAT.

BUT I THINK I NEED TO UNDERSTAND THE FACT  THAT I NEED TO STOP EXPECTING FROM PEOPLE , ALL THESE THINGS ARE JUST A FAIRYTALE AND NOTHING IS IN REAL , I DONT HAVE SUCH PERSON IN MY LIFEE BECAUSE I DESERVE IT. I DESERVE TO B ALONE.  I DESERVE TO B SAD. I DONT DESERVE TO B  HAPPY. WHAT KIND OF A PATHETIC SITUATION I AM IN. I HATE MYSELF I JUST HATE MYSELF.

I GET NIGHTMARES AND DUE TO IT I COULDNT B ALBE TO SLEEP PROPERLY, I ALWAYS SEE MYSELF IN SOME DARK PLACE AND ALL THE PEOPLE II LOVE LEAVING ME ALONE AND GOIGN FAR OFF AND A BUNCH OF GUYS SCOLDING ME AND HARASING ME AND ABUSING ME , AND ME SHOUTING FOR PEOPLE TO RESCUE ME BUT FIND NO ONE AROUND ME OTHER THAN ONE TRYING TO RAPE ME. I CRY A LOT BUT NO ONE SHOWS MERCY ON ME., WHEN I WAKE UP FROM DREAM FOR LIKA 10 MINS I DONT UNDERSTAND WHETHER IT WAS A DREAM OR REALTIY... SOMETIMES THESE DREAMS ARE SO BAD THAT I GET FRIGHTENED TO MYSELF THAT I GET SCARED TO FELL ASLEEP.I HOLD MY PILLOW TIGHT TO MYSELF AND CRY ALOUD THINKING ATLEAST THE PILLOW WOUILDNT LEAVE LIKE THE PEOPLE DO ...

DURING CHILDHOOD I USED TO HAVE MY TEADY WHICH USED TO GIVE ME THAT COMFORT AND I USED TO TALK TO IT MY HEART OUT. I WOULD JUST LISTEN TO ME AND NOT JUDGE ME FOR WHAT I AM GOING THROUGH.. I MISS THAT TEADY BECAUSE PEOPLE CANT B SUCH A GOOD LISTENER..  NOT EVEN MY BEST FRIENDS, AS ONE DAY EVEN MY FRIEND BEST FRIEND TOLD ME THAT I GET SAD N PATHETIC FOR NO REASON AS I EVERYTHING, GOOD PARENTS LUXURIOUS LIFE AND THAT A GIRL ALWAYS WANT  TO HAVE AND I HAVE NO REASON TO B SAD AND I AM JUST ACTING FOR SYMPATHY, BECAUSE THEY HAVE REAL PROBLEMS IN LIFE AND I HAVE NO PROBLEMS TO B SO.

THEY MAY HAVE ALL REAL PROBLEMS N MY PROBLEMS WOULDNT B SO REAL AS THEIRS ARE BUT I CANT HELP THAT MY MIND IS SICK N AND I AM HAPPY THAT THEIR ARE NOT SICK MENTALLY LIKE I AM BECAUSE THEY WOULDNT B ABLE TO LIVE WITH IT. I WISH I COULD EXPLAIN WHAT EXACTLY I FEEL AND DONT FEEL LONELY IN A POPULATION OF MORE THAN  10.

my only memories which i wanna forget but couldnt

Since childhood i am a daydreamer. had many dreams in my eyes and with lot expectations but slowly when realized that they r just the fiction n will never be real, i broke apart.. i dont what my experience of life got me, dont even know whether its my fault or not..

we always feel bad for having bad memory and i have really very bad one. like the short term memory loss, but sometimes i wonder that when i have such a bad memory , then cant i forget that i really supposed to., y do i remember that. now i even feel that whether that really happened in real or i am just sick .

when i was like of age 12 i was sexually assaulted with one of the person i was or should i say , i am very close to.. but couldnt complain of it as there was a taboo that its always a girls fault. it took me yrs to realise that , that day wasnt my fault. but i moved on n i had lots of changes in me after that. life moved on n when i felt that life is happy then again something happened, i met a guy  at an age of 14 who was elder but kind off a brother to my best friend. he kind a proposed me n i said no then he threatened me of cutting himself. so i got scared n said yes and then i kinda started liking him n felt as if he could b the love of my life but later when he started abusing me and blackmailing me and threatening me even more i felt like as if i am just a sex toy for men  to play with.. i realised that love is the other name for sex. and nothing else. later fews days after i found out that he is seeing someone already . that was the first time to see myself broken n shattered into pieces.. i used to cry to myself whole nights because that's the only time i have my freedom of  crying out loud. i was ina situation that i couldnt tell my parents what i am going through.. i had to laugh n smile and show everyone that i am doing totally okay despite i was tearing part into pieces. from inside everyday.. sometimes it used to b so hard to deal and i used to get suicidal thoughts.. my suicidal attempts werent successful as my dad's face use to pop up infront of my eyes everytime i tried an attempt. since then i cry to myself many times n thorw the people out of my life before they leave me fucked up. After that the definition of love changed for me and had many boy friends n lots of sex and caring friends to hold me they also even diint know how bad the volcano inside me is boiling up.. nobody could make me forget it. people  came n went but my tears didnt change

they assaulted me once but after that i assaulted myself everytime before the other people assaulted me in the name of love. after that many boyfriends n many breakups too.. now people think that i am probably a slut  , but i dont care because they  really dont know about the volcano inside me..its killing me from inside though i look best from outside

inside talk

Hello,

there was a stage when i used to cry inside and used to think that y am i having all these reasons to cry and so that if one day day god takes away all these reasons then i will never have to cry but now when i have no reason left to cry i feel pathetic on crying . the common agenda here is whether there is a reason or not but i am still crying and now even feel pathetic about it.

i have a perfect life, great parents, awesome friends for life and so now i feel that i have more than i deserve , i am gonna end up hurting them one day or the other, my dad says i am his heart and i am afraid that whenever he will know what mistakes i have done without his knowledge he will never forgive me. i hate myself for what i am. is it so bad being so miserable . no one can handle me.. my friends hate me because i keep pushing them away.. y have i become like this.. this is not what i have been dreaming off. sometimes i feel like i am living 2 lives..one is as perfect as no one ever have thought of, and other is as miserable as it shouldnt ever been, not even to my enemy.. is this what is called depression.. sometimes hurting myslef deliberately gives more relief than anything else in this whole world.

i sleep for more than 12 hrs and still feel as if i havent slept in days.. i  eat a lot as if i have a eating disorder or as if  god has forgotten to keep  a break in my appetite .no feed back mechanism in body.

everyone's story is a tragedy for themselves.

my parents dont know what is going on inside me in actual, and its so hard for me to b like i am so pathetic n depressed in one minute and behave like nothing ever happened ever the other second... sometimes i smile to myself thinking that when everyone say that  i am such a bad actor in reality and then  i am successfull in acting infront of them so well that how happy kid i am before them and how pathetically depressed i am when they r not around me...

10/26/18

Sometimes when you're sad you get happy, and sometimes you just get depressed. Life is difficult that way, some people say that everything happens for a reason but I don't think that's true. I think people have a course in life and several people fall off their course. Some fall off and never return, some never fall off the track (or until later in life.), some fall off the path and make it back, and some try to get back on track and end up suffering from  depression. That's me I've been depressed since I was seven but I have been clinically depressed for almost five years. Life is so difficult, you get so many different obstacles to overcome. I have been hit, bruised, raped, lied to, cheated on, verbally abused, and I've dealt with bullies. I've had to deal with the destruction of myself, and the battle between wanting to live ad be happy, and wondering when I can leave his earth. One of my suicide attempts was a success for about five minutes, I have experienced death and am not afraid. But I also dont believe its my time yet, I don't want to commit suicide or try again. But I'm tired of feeling like nothing is getting better. Because it's not I feeling like I'm drowning with all I have to do. My mental health is important to me, so thats my top priority is to be happy. So if I feel tired I'll sleep hungry I eat, I go to work, I do school work, but I refuse to spread myself so thin as I once was. So I will only do what I know, or what isn't hard. If its hard I will drop or lighten my load by postponing things. But lately I feel like my load is light, I work and do light cleaning at home, I do school work when I’m at school and get things done. But I'm still not happy, because now I'm not happy with what's not getting done. I need to sweep, do dishes, laundry, cat boxes, vacuum, take SATS, and i'm not going to college next year because I can't pay for it and I’m not ready. I feel like with every tiny accomplishment I make there's another big failure to ruin my happiness. I don't really have friends to talk to at school, I’m kind of a loner. I do have “friends” but we don't really talk unless we’re hanging out. My dad is busy working and getting ready for marriage number three, and my mom and I don't really talk. She works all the time or is sleeping, and with the time change we can't really talk much. I actually texted her yesterday and she told me shes on the plane to go to china. I guess I forgot she was going. I miss her and how things used to be with my parents caring about me and hating each other. Rather than them doing things, moving on with their spouses and leaving me to deal with everything else. Honestly I just want to cry and I've felt like this “on the verge of tears.” for the past few days now. I just want things to get better, but the waiting is what might kill me before I can. I want my suffering to be over , I want friends that want to talk to me, I want a guy who thinks it’s cute when I fangirl over a book or song. I want someone who likes my weirdness because it matches their, I want my life to change.

today

i told my mom about my panic attack last night. i think its because i want to be helped. but at the same time i dont know if i want to even be here. sometimes i feel so alone and unwanted. its just hard, i feel like some people can be so cruel and even my one friend i have isnt even a good friend. ive known her forever probably like 14 years now but we were never really close we kind of started hanging out alot because we lived near each other and we were both bored. so it was just convienent but i dont think i would even consider her a friend, i cant really talk to her about anything and she just never really seems to care. so why am i here? what purpose is there for me. i cant seem to do anything right.

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