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Just One of Those Days (again...)

I've been dependent on antidepressants for almost 4 years now - I take it more faithfully than vitamin supplements. It's my spinach, if I were Popeye... but no, not really - it doesn't only give that extra boost (like being able to sing in the shower - yes, it makes me that happy!), it actually makes me survive the next 24 hours until I take one again.

So what happens if I don't? First day, nothing. Second day, starting to be irritated. Third day, irritated, agitated. Fourth day, I become a ticking time bomb. Then fifth, sixth or seventh day, depending on the triggers around, I just spontaneously cry. I've accepted that this is going to be probably the rest of my life. Similar to having some form of chronic pain, a kind of disease that you can't really cure anymore but just need to manage. If I don't, I'm a few steps away from jumping off of a balcony.

But meds are not all a depressed person needs.

A depressed person also needs to shop. (LOL).

Kidding, ofcourse, but yes, I think this is how stressed people deal, right? Some retail therapy? Well, I do think it helps, to a certain point.

But really what we need is a person to talk to. WITHOUT JUDGEMENT.

Now, that's hard to find in this day and age when everyone is busy. Everyone needs to make an appointment or check their calendar to give you some free time to whine, rant or just be. No, I am not blaming them because I do the same - and in addition, I don't have that part of myself to give because I'm also dealing with my own stuff (well, not that anyone needs me to talk to...) But what I realized as I go through my life, I find it harder and harder to open up. I used to be this open book, no secrets, telling too much about myself actually, without shame. Now, 10 years later, I find myself secretive, pretending, filtering everything I say even to closest friends. I'm not sure why, I don't think they judge, but I guess I dislike myself that much now to be 100% real. Or maybe I know them too well to actually guess what they would say, and I don't have the tolerance anymore to endure what they say, "true friends will tell you what you don't want to hear". I actually don't know what I want to hear. I also don't know what I want from them. There's just some days that I'd rather not be alone.

I am turning 40 and unsuccessful in life - at least with the meaning of success that society dictates. There is some social pressure to some degree, but I think that it really doesn't matter as much as compared with the pressure from within us. There were countless times in my life when I want to have a fresh start, a new beginning, a change, a do-over , etc. etc. But now, it's different. I don't want to start again. Only if it were up to me, I want my story to end.

21Jan2019

9:39AM

new year..... new beginning

NEW YEAR 2019, a new year wishes symbolises everything new , like new clothes, new positivity , new hope , new enthusiasm , new believes, new start , new happiness and new struggles and new experiences of life .., in all a new beginning of new life....

for me this year started likewise n hope that it goes on the same way all throught the 365 days.. i never believed or made any new year resolutions because i knew that i wont b keeping it up but this year i have made one of being positive in life and not stopping in the middle because of my thoughts., no matter what i need to keep going n keep working... this year i only need to work. nad work and only work n do everything that comes up in my mind...immediately...

i wish a very happy new yea to all n may this yr bring only positivity in everyones life and give them a hope of light to b happy ever after...

merry christmas

merry christmas to all

own insecurities kill us

INSECURITIES..... MY OWN INSECURITIES HAVE INCREASED SO MUCH THAT I AM DROWNING IN IT... I HAVE NO IDEA Y AM I BEING LIKE THIS... WHEN I WAS SMALL AROUND 10 WE USED TO GET RANK CARD FROM THE SCHOOL AFTER EVERY EXAM AND IT WAS SUPPOSED TO B SIGNED OFF BY PARENTS, AND IN THE BEGINNING OF YR I USD TO FAIL SO MY DAD REFUSD TO SIGN IT AND SO I USED TO GET AFRAID TO SHOW IT AT HOME... LATER ON SOMEHOW I IMPROVISED MY STUDIES AND PASSED THEN ALSO SAME THING HAPPENED AND NOW REASON BEING NOT ATTAINING 90%... SO AGAIN I IMPROVISED AND GOT 90% BUT THIS IT GOT SIGNED WITH A QUESTION SAYING Y NOT 95%... THEN I TRIED GETTING THAT TOO AND LIKE THAT LIFE WENT ON... BUT IT HALTED AFTER ENTERING INTO GRADUATION... I WAS A TOPPER SINCE CHILDHOOD BUT I AM NO   MORE... I STARTED TASTING THE FAILURE AGAIN, BUT NOW ITS NOT THAT EASY TO IMPROVISE, AND ACTUALLY I LOST THAT ZEAL AND DETERMINATION TO IMPROVISE, NOT ABLE TO HANDLE THAT STRESS AND PRESSURE ANYMORE.. THERE WAS A TIME I USED TO SAY TO EVERYONE THAT READING BOOKS IS MY HOBBY BUT NOW A DAYS I AM EVEN HATING THE TAUGHT OF A BOOK OR READING.. Y DID I BECOME LIKEW THIS GOD??? IS MY VERY FIRST QUESTION TO GOD...I FEEL LIKE I HAVE LOST MYSELF SOMEWHERE AND IM NEVER GONNA GET MYSELF BACK... I ALWAYS SAID THAT HATE MYSELF BUT  I USED TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT MYSELF IN SOME OR THE OTHER WAY BUT NOW A DAYS I EVEN HATE THE THOUGHT OF MYSELF... I ALWAYS FEEL THAT HATRED IN MYSELF.. I GET IRRITATED AND FRUSTUATED AND ANGRY VERY EASILY.. AND VERY IMPATIENT.. I WAS NEVER LIKE THIS BEFORE THEN Y AM I NOW LIKE THAT...

I LOVE MY DAD VERY MUCH BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE SCREAMING INFRONT OF HIM ALL THIS.. I FEEL LIKE THAT HE DOESNT LOVE ME ANYMORE AFTER I TOLD HIM ABOUT MY DEPRESSION, I KNOW THAT HE IS VERY TENSED REGARDING ME BUT NOW A DAYS I FEEL AS  IF HE IS VERY  ANGRY WITH ME AND I ALWAYS FIND HIM VERY SERIOUS AND I CANT EVEN TALK TO HIM LIKE BEFORE OR HE ISNT TALKING TO ME LIKE BEFORE., I DONT KNOW WHAT IS THIS ALL ABOUT BUT I FEEL AS IF I HAVE THAT CONNECTION WITH HIM.. THAT INTENSE CONNECTION WE USED TO SHARE IS LOST.. I AL GETTING A FEELING THESE DAYS THAT DAD IS THINKING AS IF HIS DAUGHTER HAS BECOME THE WEAKEST PERSON EVER AND I AM NOT THE ONE HE WANTED EVER AND AS IF HE DOESNT WANTS ME ANYMORE., I KNOW AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT ALL THIS BULLSHIT IS ONLY IN MY BRAIN AND NOT HIS BUT DONT KNOW Y AM I GETTING THESE THOUGHTS IN THE FIRST PLACE...

EVEN MY BROTHER WAS NT SO GREAT IN STUDIES SINCE HIS CHILDHOOD BUT NOW HE IS GRADUATED PERSUING HIS POST GRADUATION AND HE IS BEEN SEEN MOST OF THE TIME THESE DAYS WITH SOME OR THE OTHER BOOK AND I FEEL EVEN HE IS STUDYING AND STARTED LIKNG BOOKS BUT I AM HATING IT ... WHY.. WHY..?????  I AM INSECURED EVEN WITH HIM

MY DAD SAID THAT I HAVENT TROUBLED HIM WHEN  I SHOULD HAVE BEEN , WHEN I WAS EXPECTED BUT,, I AM TROUBLING HIM NOW WHEN I WAS SUPPOSED TO BEHAVE LIKE A WELL MATURED DAUGHTER OF HIS.... I WAS ALWAYS HAPPY WITH ONE THING OF MYSELF THAT I WAS CALLED THE MATURED GIRL IN MY SURROUNDINGS BUT NOW I AM BEING THE MOST IMMATURED ONE AMONG ALL... Y AM I LIKE THIS ????? Y DID I CHASNGE LIKE THIS..??? Y DID I CHANGE INTO A PERSON I HAVE NEVER KNOWN OFF...??? Y IS THIS KILLING ME FROM INSIDE AND NOT FROM OUTSIDE...???/ WHY ?? WHY??WHY GOD??? WHY???

POST EFFECT

AFTER MY CONSULTATION , MY FAMILY ESPECIALLY MY MOM AND DAD CAME TO KNOW ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING THROUGH AND WHAT I WAS FEELING LIKE... BUT  MY DAD WASNT SHOCKED, AS IF HE HAD ALREADY EXPECTED THAT COMING ... FOR 2-3 DAYS THEY COUNSELLED ME AND DAD'S HEALTH GOT SPOILED PROBABLY BECAUSE HE GOT MORE TENSED REGARDING ME... AFTER SEEING ALL THIS I REGRETED ME OPENING UP BY   50%  ..ITS   50%    ONLY BECAUSE I AM AT EASE SINCE THEN... I DO GET SAD AT TIMES N THE THOUGHTS HAVENT STOPPED BUT THE CHANGE I HAD AFTER THIS IS THAT I HAVE LOST THE PRESSURE FROM MY HEAD AND I AM NO MORE BOILING UP AND LOCKED UP IN A PRESSURE COOKER... I HAVE SET UP NEW AIMS AND GOALS AND THE MAIN THING I CHANGED ABOUT MYSELF IS I STOPPED EXPECTING AND CHASING THE PEOPLE... I HAVE LEFT EVERYTHING ON GOD ... NOW WHATEVER WILL HAPPEN IN MY LIFE I WILL ACCEPT IT SMILING BECAUSE THAT WOULD B WHAT I DESERVE FOR MY DEEDS NO MATTER GOOD OR BAD...

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