I've had anxiety for as long as i can remember and i've suffered from depression since i was 8 years old.. i rememeber when it began it started out suttle, unexplained feelings of sadness and lonlyness..  it didn't become sevre untill i was 12, at that time i was about 50lbs overweight and didn't have a single friend. i remember i hated going to school not because i didn't like the work or i thought it was difficult but because of the other kids. everyday i would get to school and sit in the hall alone waiting for class to start, hoping and praying that no one would notice me. i'd just sit there and wish i was invisible that they couldn't see me, they always did the taughnting never stopped. the things they'd say to me, i'd wish that they'd just kill me. i will never forget the laughter, all the mean things they said could only be topped by the laughter. it was so funny that i was alone, it was so funny that i was fat and ugly, it was so funny that i was poor. the laughter made me want to die, made me wish i was dead. i wanted a place to hide from them, somewhere i could sit in silence. when i went home i would put on a smile and when my parents would ask how my day was i would lie. this is when the lying began, it was a way for my to disassociate myself from reality. i created fake friends, i made up stories about what we did together. i had to face my problems at school, but as long as i kept them a secret they weren't a reality at home

Well all, the wedding is over - I am now a married woman! The family was great, the rehearsal dinner was fun, the wedding ceremony was as perfect as I knew it would be, the reception was fun and the honeymoon was relaxing! Now... back to life... back to reality!

The warmth, love and support from family and friends was overwhelming and touching to both me and Mr. H. They all came to both the ceremony and the reception, and everyone danced, laughed, drank and ate ate ate!!  It felt so wonderful knowing that they all cared so much. :-)

The hate seems to be slowly leaving me, by the way. How can I feel hate when I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the love of my life, when I have friends and family who care so much, and when we have a great dog who wants nothing more than some attention from her mommy and daddy?

I've realized that what comes around truly does go around and the evil people in this world will get what they deserve. Some already have. I do very much beleive in God and know that he is up there just waiting to give goodness to those who live the best life they know how. He is up there taking notes and gives gifts when we least expect them. Gives gifts in the form of loss sometimes. Gives gifts in the form of disappointment sometimes. Gives gifts when we need them the most.

As for struggle? How could we truly appreciate these gifts without it? Struggling and Pain are two of the most terrible things for a human to endure, but without them the good stuff wouldn 't really matter that much, would it? I was 32 when i met my husband and 34 when we married. Some would consider that pretty old to marry - I couldn't think of anything more perfect. God knew that perhaps Mr H and I were not ready for one another until now and that is why he left us to meet in our 30's. I truly believe that we come across others in our lives at just the right moment. I truly believe that God does not make mistakes, but only wants us to grow and learn from difficult experiences.

The most wonderful poem called, "Footprints," is worth reading if you have not. If you have? I know that God has carried me during times in my life - I know that well. I know that sometimes he has put others in my life to carry me when he could not. I know that Mr H will carry me forever as I will carry him.

Sorry for the blabbering and the religion - I'm just feeling so blessed right now it's hard to contain it!!!

i'm so fed up of crying. i'm so fed up of the urge to slit. i'm so fed up of life.

what do you do when you get this far down the line? why keep trying?

 i'm so fed up of trying, when it just comes back the minute i think it's gone.

 it's messing with my head and no one understands. it's taking over everything i do and making it meaningless.

i just want to be back to normal again.

so I havent writen for quite a while, and I'm pleased to say that it's because I havent felt the need to.

I find the summer usually has that effect on me, the lack of school and a bit of sun puts me in a much better mood than normal. It's been the best couple of months I've had in a long time - even with the dismil british weather.

However, the familiar feeling is setting back in now the school time is about to start, not yet feeling the full extent of it I'm trying to shrug it off while it's still at it's weakest. I wish I knew what to do, but I just don't. I guess only time will tell what will happen next.

I stand in the shadow of the truth. In a room. I stand alone. They stand in the light of lies. They stand together. These are the people I love. By their light of lies I have been cast into the shadow of truth. The light of lies shows them brightly. I see their snide looks. I hear thier angry whispers. I see thier betrayel. thier blaim. thier deception, and even hatred. As I am well Hidden within the shadow of truth. they know nothing of my tears, my pain, my torment , my anger, but most of all my love. I am not in the shadow by choice. Thier lies cast me out. After all the truth is more painfull then lies. So I will stay in the shadow of truth until the light of lies fade into the shadow of truth