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Box of Rain

Mother, Teen drug addiction, Depression, Anxiety, Panic, Suicide, God, Jesus Christ, Abandonment, Bi-Polar II, Manic Depression, Post Tramatic Stress Disorder

Been off the Meds and Im feeling Great

Thursday February 6th

So I wish I could show you my med chart because you would be so proud of me. I've been at baseline or feeling neutral for about a month without meds. Also I just finally tapered all the way off the Valium and I noticed about a week after each taper I just felt better. My anxiety dissipated except for just a few moments in time; but I feel like each person has a normal amount of stress in their lives and its just how you handle it.

One moment I had a little hard time working through was when my BFF that lives in another state, well she's like my sister...my family. Well her local BFF had did some drugs with her boss and fried her brain. Now I knew her because every time Ive been to visit my BFF we hung with her. Anyway she ended up with two brain bleeds and multiple mini strokes. They were talking long term care telling her family she'd never be the same. Now this young lady is only 27 guys and she has a daughter thats 8. It really kind of well i wont say wrecked but I will say it affected me to the point my daughter even asked if I was ok. But after a week she pulled through. Thank God.

I also noticed a couple weeks ago my boss came up behind me and slammed his hand down on the desk. It wasnt in a mean spirited way, he was just saying something and that added to the effect and because I didnt see him do it, i had a small anxiety attack. But I was able to walk through it within a few moments by telling myself its ok. calm down.

Then yesterday my fridge went out and I had to rush buy another and it caused some stress or pressure but when I got home and saw it I was really happy to have it. I didnt have all the cash so I had to steal the money from my daughters recital fees to cover it but you have to have a fridge. Besides my boss gave me a bonus and that will cover the fees. And I put the remaining on my credit card.

So no matter what doctor wants to put a name to it...Bi-polar or just Am's. I feel like my stress, my worry is just a part of me. I'd rather train myself to be ok with these life events rather than be on meds. I was laying in bed last night thinking and I dont have a local BFF. I have friends, some good friends here but since I left home and its been 10 years I just havnt found love nor my very own BFF. And that got me to thinking that I havnt completely let go of my past. I spent crazy money taking trips to see my friends all over to keep them in my life and you know I cant do that anymore.

Im no longer in the financial position to do that first off and second I need to build the rest of my life here. Im here. i need to allow myself to be very open to making that connection here. So as Im still allowing the meds to release from my body and am working seriously on how I allow myself to be affected by life and how I am going to deal with it I am also going to allow myself to be more open, engaging. Because I know I feel way better today than I did last month.

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I swear to you I think I was misdiagnosed

Wednesday January 29th 2014

Bipolar shmipolar. I have been off all mood stabilizers and any antidepressants and any type anti-psychotic for over a month now and been charting on mood charts. I have been at baseline-even mood for all but the week I came off the anti-psychotic. I have been getting myself off the Valium and today I am only taking 5 mg at night for the next two weeks and then 2.5 for two weeks and Ill be done.

My anxiety has only been like 1 times per week and its been so mild. I have been irritated and truly mad 1 night but over a real thing. And I got annoyed and frustrated with my boss yesterday but it was over communication breakdown and we got over it.

I'm just going to choose that its "power over the mind."

my sleep sucks. im lucky to get 7 hours and its real hard to get to sleep and stay asleep. That hasn't changed. I see my counselor Friday.

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Insomnia sucks

Thursday January 23rd

Insomnia sucks ass, I took an Ambien, two tramadal and my regular neds and coming off valium is kicking my ass. I have to be up for work in a few hours and can not sleep worth shit.

My Mom came to my office last Monday and said shes refusing the treatment for her hep c stage 4 Cirrhosis of the liver. i was so upset. i mean she told me in my office that she was choosing to die. i believe in Gods healing power but i know that stage 4 Cirrhosis does not just go away. I have friends who have it and not even as bad and without treatment she will be lucky to have 5-6 years.

If you look at her, i mean really look at her you can see the jaundice setting in. Yellow skin/red eyes. So I asked her to leave my office. I couldnt just accept she didnt want t do anything about it.

After a few days I thought about it and decided its her body, her soul, her mind..if she wants to just give up and die then thats her choice. So I as a person who deals with estates every day I wrote her a letter with a referal to a cheap lawyer that would prepare her health directive for $25 and asked her in the letter to make things easier for my brother and I. I asked her to please consider writing the the title to the Honda to him so he'll at least have something as I cant take care of him.

I also asked her to write her obituary so my bro and I wont have to think about it. She then posted that shit on facebook. And i was hurt. She didnt even put the context just that shit about the obituary. And i wrote her and said dont even bother calling me anymore, just post it to facebook. she wrote me back she was no longer my mother, that i abused her for years. i wasnt the abuser. she abandoned me to a step mom who beat me.

But she text me my moms name is my step mom. it was beyond hurtful. i guess theres no going back from that. i tried texting her and telling her i love her but shes done. i defriended her and blocked her on Facebook and then layed awake thinking that our last 5 years I wont even have her around and why? because i asked her to prepare her estate. i mean shit i even have my own done so my kids wont have to think about it.

it makes me sad she wont b here to c daughter and son get married or have kids. so im a monster. anyway, its done now. shes finally got it out how she truly feels. anyway i know she doesnt want to be cremated but if she doesnt have that crap in a health directive my bro and i will be stuck to make horrible decisions. i dont want to do that. it hurts too much.

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Judgement & Advice Needed

Monday January 20, 2014

Hi. G'mornin. So it's Martin Luther King Jr day and I for one honor that mans opinion, judgement and his sacrifice.

Sometimes its hard to know whats right and whats wrong. Especially in daily decisions. For example many of you have read I left my home 10 years ago this December to move 1100 miles away. I didn't move because I had any desire to. I moved because God put circumstances that shut the door for me to be there any longer.

Although I have met friends in my new residence and some of them have been there for me in my darkest time I miss my friends who have been with me my entire life. I long for them. And not in some obsessed way but seriously just miss laughing and being me and being around them. The phone is just not the same.

Anyway I have toiled with the thought and picked and prodded at it tell its pretty much driving me crazy...but I thought of moving home. About taking my 12 year old and going.

I've weighed the pro's and con's and at the end of the day as much as I miss them I can't move right now. God has not shut the door here. In fact if anything he's glued us to this spot. You see my daughter is thriving. She's respectful, she's doing great in school, she has great friends, she has support beyond what you can imagine. She is my number one reason I cant go. Next to that I own a home, a beautiful home I couldn't dream of having that God has graced me with. I have a career with a mere 30 minute commute each way. And a boss who is positive, caring, understanding and thoughtful.

So I sit perplexed with the need to go for a visit, ya know? To see my friends, to climb in my homeland, to swim in the ocean. Its more than a want its a need. But most importantly one of my fav people just lost her husband of 12 years and the father to her four children. And I yearn to be with her. Love on her.

Yet debt looms over my head bright as the sun. I owe $10k in credit card debt and $10k on my car. And I only have one child at home so I will be lucky to get $2k maybe back on my taxes. Out of that money I have to finish paying for my tooth $200, get my car maintenance, another $300 and I have to pay off my department card $150. I need to put $500 away for our yearly camping trip. Its tradition.

And if I was real smart I'd take the rest and pay on my car. But then there's the need to go home. It would be at least $1k to visit. I do get a bonus in February that would pay for the plane ticket. But I would need to pay for the car and that's another $300. Then will need another $250-300 for gas plus our food money. Food would be covered under my normal spending money for the week so I wouldn't need to save for that and about $120 of the gas I would have from my paychecks. But somehow I'd have to come up with about $450 at the minimum.

I just really don't know that I can afford it. The truth comes back to I should do whats right and try and spend all my money on my debt not add to it. But there's this damn need.

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Hugs, Exercise and Positive Thoughts

Thursday Janauary 16th

I just have to tell you I've been on this mission to get at least 8 hugs a day. Seriously you guys even hugs from strangers...it feels so good. I read this article, actually several, about how important hugs are. Read it here:

http://www.freehugscampaign.org/

http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-5756/10-Reasons-Why-We-Need-at-Least-8-Hugs-a-Day.html

Anyway, I think that and the energy Im getting from exercise has just boosted my entire mind. I have not been feeling depressed at all. Not even one day in 3 weeks since quitting that aweful psych med. Also I went to my primary doc yesterday and asked him to help me with the anxiety. Shit I was all anxiety just to go talk to him about the entire ordeal. To my surprise he was very supportive and said yeah being on Valium for two years is not good and is most likely causing me to have worst anxiety.

Anyway Im weaning off the Valium and I wont lie I still have that lil bitch. i especially noticed though the other night when I had a real cup of coffee, OMG. Never again. Decalf only for me.

He prescribed Buspar for anxiety. It has good reviews and its not a benzo so limited side effects. But I really believe I just have to continue on the path Im on. holding God's hand and listening to what he tells me.

But most importantly the divorce from my psych was the best thing that ever happened and Im not going back to a psych. I know my counselor feels its best but I think she'll change her mind when she sees me over the next weeks.

I love you God thank you for covering me with your love and your blood. Thank you for accepting me just as I am and wanting more for me. You make me believe everyday.

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