Today I found out I have a small problem with my kidney. The left one is in bad shape - apparently? It is time to see the specialists - so says my regular doc. Along with the rest of the health issues I have, I suppose that it is almost a comfort to know that my distress may come from some other chemical imbalances?

I am just tired of thinking I am a hypocondreact? My doc seems to think it is no longer ALL in my head. Depression is a funny thing. I have struggled with it and generalized anxiety disorder most all of my life. I just hope that the new doc. (s) will be able to help? I am now be treated for G.A.  Although it takes some time for the meds. to kick in, I will try to keep a positive additude? It is always hard to smile thru the pains of this crazy life. But, what else can a bloak due?

Some day I hope to live a regular life. A life with happiness and love again is all I am asking. Treatment is just the band aid I apply to help. It does nothing to stop the disruptions of life that happen to those of the human population with mental illnesses!

I keep asking myself one question over and over - Will I ever get my Joy back?

So, how yesterday went? It was really cruddy. I tryed to post after typing here for an hour. The only problem was that when I changed the profile view to public,  it erased all muy work. I wonder if anyone else has had this problem?

Anyhow, I am feeling better today; although, I thought today was Friday. I cannot seem to reconcile the lost day yet. I believe that I will try posting this one as is. If someone else has had these problems, please let me know what to do?

Thanx

There is "THAT" FIRST time for everyone, and this is a first for me. I have been felling nothing for so long. Until the last few weeks, I have been sleeping like crap, I cannot seem to concentrait on anything, I eat all the time, and I cry at the weirdest moments. The weeping never seems to go away anymore.You may think I am just a frightened teenager; but in actuallity, I am a middle aged man who is slowly losing his mind!

Last night was pretty tipicle for me. I watched a few movies, and had a bit to eat - 6 english muffins, buttered - then tried to sleep. Sleep didn't come for a long time. When the fitfull rest did shut my eyes, I was up again inside of an hour. I did not really think about anything, I just lay there in the dark for about two more hours.

Maybe I should get help? I have been thinking about how the world would be better without me. Idon't have any ties, and I guess I must face the facts that this blog page is about the only suppotr I have. Sure, I have friends, and they all think I am the life of the party - when I can drag myself to one. I tell stories, sing, dance, and have a great time - not its all performance. I think that learned to act for other people when I was young, coming from a typical Dysfunctional family. Violence was the mainstay of life.

Well, I better stop for now as I seem sort of scattered all over the page. I will try to be better next time?, I just don't want to end up people pleasing here too. I just needed some outlet.