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feeling good

Friday. Weekend starts. Work starts.

I dont know how I'll manage at work when this past two weeks I've slept so little. 2-3½ hours of sleep every night. Before it hasnt been so hard to be awake at the day but today and yesterday was pure pain. My eyes were drooping and I was feeling nauseos and dizzy. This is getting worser every day.

Do you sometimes wish that you have no one? Just so you could lash out on yourself? To hurt yourself the way you deserve fit for you? To finally die? To end your pain for eternal darkness? No? ...oh.. well it has crossed my mind sometimes. I mean think about it, if you had  no one you could do how you please to yourself? ..too cruel, huh? No, but I seriously have thought that. I could finally die, not to care who I'd hurt if I'd do it. The only reason I havent done it again is Ray. He will be heartbroken, I can see it. He is my half brother because of my asshole of a father got someone prego, Ray is my other half. He defends me, makes me smile, giggle and laugh. I can be myself, I can cry the ugliest cry ever and he'd still be there. He is my rock as I am his. We're inseparable, well till I give up.. He is the brain while I'm the humor. He always knows what to do. I love him.

The friend I talked about before, remember him? Yeah? Good. He's awesome. He carries himself with grace and confidence. No matter what he has gone through, he'll stand tall and be himself. But like everyone else, he has a soft spot - his breaking point, I saw that. He was a warrior with determination, confidence and he has a kind, warm heart that makes me want to cry out but after all, he too is a human. He crumbled down to his knees and let me in, he let me see his weak side. A side no one saw before, I was gobsmacked. He showed it to a girl he had known for a week or two and not to someone he'd known longer. But I was there to him like he was there to me. I helped him to get back up and I felt good about myself. I had helped someone who I had just met. I helped him. I felt good to help. Woah.

This is all this time,

I'm still breathing.

Addy xoxo

The pain of Monday

Hi,

Today when I saw myself in the mirror, I almost broke down. I am disgusted with myself. I hate the way I look, speak, eat or just .. breathe. I am so ugly and disgusting that I sometimes wonder how my best friend Ray even puts up with me. I mean, isn't he embarrassed to be seen with me? I would.

And I am, just the thought of someone looking at me makes it hard to breath. I don't want others to see the ugliness and I don't want to see the looks they give me.

I've been working out and skipping some meals and eating less, I've lost weight. Finally. But I pushed myself too far, Im getting dizzy and feel the need to give into the darkness.

My alarm went off at 5am this morning, I needed to wake up earlier than the others - just to cut. I did twenty five new cuts to each of my shoulders. The last ones haven't even healed yet.

I just.. Where did this hyper, cheerful and always happy girl go? I used to be like that but not anymore. 
Does anyone ever wonder that what sets us off? What makes us depressed and why? We just..sink right into it.

Bye,

Addy xx

My first thought today

Hi..

I have no idea if someone will ever read this blog or not but I decided to do this for me.

I wont go into much detail about myself but what I will tell is that I am a teenager. I am almost nineteen, in a month, and I seem normal to everyone. I have parents and siblings. I have a pet and friends.

But only two of them know about my ugly secrets I've been hiding deep inside of me, in my mind.

I have an extremely high depression with a strong self-hatred and self-harm issues. My self-esteem has hit the rock bottom and I dont know how to pick it up.

I have tried suicide a couple of times, always been interrupted by something. Not someone.

I've tried to vent my thoughts and the reasons why I do these things to myself to those two close friends of mine, but they dont understand it. They never do.

I've tried tumblr to vent my feelings but it never worked.

This is my last shot. Im trying this and hoping this might work. I need this to work.

This blog is for me to vent my thoughts and feelings. I am sorry if this might trigger something but I try not to, I really do.

Anyway,

I'm Adelaide or Addy for short, 19 in a month and I like pizza and music.

Have a ..good .. day, I think..

Bye,

Addy xx

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