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I haven't blogged in awhile. I've been feeling really good and my psychiatrist said I can get off my meds in 6 months.  But after that discussion things have just gotten worse. I've been really hard on myself and bene in a terrible mood. I got really mad lastnight because I feel like David never makes time for me. I was so angry and was so tense and needed a release so I cut.  I used a razor so it was more like scraping the skin off than cutting. I feel bad about it.  I dont want to be bad. I wanna be better.


Today started out really bad. I had a good night and went to be around 2 or 3 and then I stayed in bed all day. I kept waking up and I knew I should get out of bed because I have a lot of hmework to do this weekend, but I just couldn't make myself. I wouldn't even answer my mom or sister's texts. I just wanted to stay within the warmth and protectivness of my covers and be left alone. Finally around 3 or 4 I got up and packed my backpack to go to the library. Instead Jon and I wnet to McDonald's. I finally got to the libary around 6 and I've done a lot of my calculus. So I guess the day got better towards the end. I'm hoping to not be as lazy tomorrow so I can get the rest of my stuff done.


I had a very good birthday yesterday.  And I've had a good day today too. My history class was canceled :) Im worried about getting bad again. With little communication with David I'll be alone. I'm scared. Right now though, I just want to feel good.  I feel like I've done a lot better implementing Lorna's positive self talk plan. And I plan to keep it up.


The realization has set in. I was an idiot.  I've been so desperate to have someone closer. I've been talking to lots of guys trying to make a connection.  I lost the only real connection I've ever had. I'm so alone now. I thought Adam liked me and was interested in me. He just wnated sex. I'm just annoying now that I wouldn't give it up easily.  And I'm still desperate. I feel so alone. I want to be held. I want to feel that connection again.  I wasn't good to David and I didn't love him right and I wasn't concerned because I thought I had several guys waiting in line for a chance to be with me. Haha! They all moved on or didn't exist. Not like they'd stick around long after they found out I'm bipolar anyway. I miss my dog. I miss my David. I wanna go home.


Things between David and me have been very rough lately. He and I never get to be together or talk. Sometimes I feel like he doesn't text me back because he doesn't want to deal with me. I think I make him unhappy and worried and stressed and not talking to me helps him avoid feeling like that. It hurts. I dont want to make him miserable. I feel like I make everyone miserable. I just don't know what to do. He can do better than me, but I really don't want him to leave me. Should I stop being selfish and just let him go? It just makes me feel so terrible. We got in an argument this morning about having kids. He wants them. I don't because I don't want them to inherit this from me. I wouldn't be able to deal with that. He got mad-ish because I said that. He said he wouldn't know what to do if we had kids and I got bad again and shut down. I'm really scared about having kids, but I trust David and I would if he wanted them. But he doesn't trust me. It's way too early for me to even start thinking about if I want kids or not so I don't know what to say. I don't know what to do about him. I don't want to bring him down any more. But I really don't want to be without him. I try to support him and let him do whatever he wants and not say anything, but it hurts because even though I know, I know he wouldn't do anything, the thoughts and insecurities are still there. Thinking about it all just makes me want to cry.

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