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I was walking around my room, straightening things up, i was really happy listening to a song that makes me smile and feel alive, and I was trying to be okay and functional. Then? BAM, I hit my bed and started balling my fists and my legs and knee caps scrunched up into my body just before the shaking and trembling won victory over my failing control. The tears went past the point of welling, teeth gritted and lips pursed to hold in the instant groaning scream.  The pain.  The physical pain of ten mins ago was atrocious.  All day I've had vicious spells of 'I can be okay, I can feel okay', and then twists that turn a little too hard to the left or right, but this recent happening was the worst for me today.

Moments like that drain so much energy out of me. Unexpected, uanppreciated, unauthorized physical pain that is brought about because I know I'm a failure, and I know I should be able to just endure daily stresses, and confrontation, and I should just be okay.

A lovely friend of mine once told me "You really need to think about your thinking patterns, and notice when you're thinking in "should's and shouldn'ts".  It was a really good thing to be told, and to take notice of... But it's so hard to follow. I know I should be fine! Tomorrow I hope I'm fine.  I hope tomorrow I wake up and feel pretty, and understand my accomplishments so far in life, and know that people care (and know that I should care).



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