Me

Trying to get help isn't easy. I don't feel ready to go down the NHS/GP route because I don't think I want a diagnosis on my record...it makes it harder to get jobs...also, I am not sure if I am ready for a diagnosis, although it seems more and more evident that I do have clinical depression. A lot of the information online is out of date and I have an aversion to paying for therapy...I want to be told I NEED it not that I CHOOSE it. For some reason, needing it makes me feel less weak than choosing it...no idea why. "No idea" seems to be the answer to a lot of questions I am asking myself recently.

Today I quit my job because it was too much effort to go into work. I really hope I can get back on track...I am sure I can...I am 24 and still young and stupid...I've gotten on track again countless times before...I hope I can again. For as long as I can remember, I have had these "phases"... I shut myself away, I am lethargic/sad, I eat eat eat, my personal hygiene goes down the drain. From the outside, I am popular, intelligent, ambitious...that is why I can't let the outside world see me when I am lonely, stupid, without motivation. I want to be someone my younger brothers are proud of. I want to be someone I am proud of. But it is very attractive to me to be in one of my "phases"...it is safe, I don't have to try, I can just "be"...it's dangerous.