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05.7.2013

My first post....

I don't know if I will stick with this or not, I just needed some place to get my feelings out tonight. I don't really know where to start though. There is so much back story and history to my problems and nobody has ever been able to fully understand my situation. My own family won't even see things from my point of view, which is where I start having problems, because they are part of the problem. My sister especially.... I've had to put up with over 25 years of both physical and emotional abuse from her and nobody has ever stepped in to help ME. For example, the year she stabbed me in my foot, I got in trouble because I defended myself and struck her, and I was the one who got blamed over the entire issue. I didn't start it, I was the one physically injured, yet she got away scot free.

It's the same all these years later except it has become emotional and verbal abuse.  One more historical note on this issue is that I was born with a deadly food allergy to dairy products. She is an absolute slob and has never been careful about my allergies. I can't even count how many meals she has completely destroyed for me by cross contamination. Just a trace amount of anything I'm allergic to will kill me. I make a big deal over anything she has ruined for me or complain about the fact that I must wash my hands after touching every single little surface in the house ranging from door knobs to light switches to counters... I'm afraid for my life to leave my bedroom most of the time and what response do I get for all this? I'm laughed at. I'm laughed at over anything involving being afraid for my life to touch or eat anything in the house as well as all sorts of other various complaints, such as stepping on her stupid dog toys she leaves laying in the middle of walkways for people to step on. I'm laughed at trying to keep her dumb little indoor dog (that she isn't supposed to have and abuses and neglects anyway) away from me because I'm highly allergic to animal hair as well. She degrades me to her son who runs around repeating everything he hears. She spreads lies to me to other people she knows. Everybody always takes her side in everything, including my parents.

If you haven't figured it out yet, we are stuck in the same house. Why not just leave? There is the rest of my problem... I'm coming up on 30 years old, and I'm basicly forced to live in this house like a prisoner. Nobody has ever taught me how to drive and I lack any other means of getting around. Our house is more than 20 miles from town so without a vehicle it's impossible to get anywhere. Both parents work weird shifts and a lot of hours. Mom will usually take me to town 1 day out of the entire month but it's a disappointment every time. It's a 30 minute drive to town, I don't get to go where I want to go on my 1 and only change to get out of the house all month long, and 2-3 hours later it's over and we have another 30 minute drive home. Every trip is usually followed (or preceded) by mom complaining that she never gets to go where she wants to go, even though that's not the case. Besides, she has a vehicle and her own money while I have neither. She can go where she wants when she wants, she just chooses not to. I have no choice in any of it. I have to beg for anything I need or want because I'm trapped in this house and don't have a job or an income. With my allergies and chronic asthma, I could not join the military to get out. Because of those issues (especially the allergies) I cannot seek out a shelter to stay at or find somebody willing to let me move in with them. It would be the same situation where I'm afraid for my life all over again.

No thanks to my situation at home, for years now I have felt myself sinking further and further in my depression. I have no friends or other family to turn to for help. I stay alone in my bedroom almost 24 hours a day, every day. I don't talk to my own family (not that my sister allows that.... anytime I try she rushes in to interrupt right away and I'm then ignored). I'm completely anti-social in person and things have gotten so bad that when I do have a chance to talk I find myself starting to stutter which I had never had any problems with my entire life, and I have a hard time getting anything out. I have no insurance and no transportations to seek out professional help, so here I sit, alone in my bedroom to rot. My parents won't listen to me about my problems. They think the whole issue with my sister is just a silly fued and they don't believe me that I'm to the point where I don't want a sister and I hope every day something bad will happen to her and free me from this abuse I have to put up with. They don't believe me about my depression and other health problems and think I'm just blowing everything out of proportion. What am I supposed to do then, but sit here alone getting worse and worse?

As to the reason for my seeking out somewhere to post to begin with tonight.... I made a comment about how my parents need to force "her" to get rid of her dog after I saw him shrink away from her reaching out for him. I don't like little dogs and I don't want him around me because of my allergies, but I do love animals and it's sad to watch her beat him to the point where he's afraid of everybody reaching for him anymore.... he's left in his crate almost 24 hours a day neglected and half the time left outside overnight in the cold locked in his crate because she's too busy screwing around with her married "friend" most nights. She over heard the comment apparently about needing to get rid of the dog and told me she was the one who killed my parakeet by poisoning his water dish when I was in town with mom one day last year. Mom was right there and did and said nothing! My bird was my best friend and the only real friend I've ever had in my entire life, and she announced right there that she killed him and nobody else would step in and do anything.

How am I supposed to put up with this abuse for this long? Nobody will step in to intervene or help me. I'm not expecting an answer here. I had tried posting on a forum devoted to helping with depression and all I ever got was "you need to seek out professional help" despite the fact that I would state multiple times I can't. I'm trapped in this room all year long, I have no money, no transportation, and no way out. I'm sure that's all I'll end up getting here too in which case I'm sure I'll just give up and leave, but I needed somewhere to write tonight. I have nowhere else to turn to to get anything out :(

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