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Day 993

wow. nine hundred ninety-three days. that is the number of days i have lived without my mom.

take a moment. think about the one person who has a connection with you like no other. think about the one person you see beside you at every major event in your life. birth. graduation. wedding. your children.

and then, one day you are doing normal everyday family things and in one second that person is stolen from you. that person is gone. their body is left for you to mourn over and deal with but that person you need is gone.

for nine hundred ninety-three days i have been depressed. i have anxiety disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, and an overwhelming feeling of guilt.

 

i live my life through the "what if's" and the "how comes". i dont know how to stop. i have tried therapy, drinking, medication, and ignorance. for one year i did not utter my mothers name nor anything about her. i refised to have anything to do with the fact that she was not around. i pretended we were both just too busy to talk everyday. too busy to have anything to do with each other. it made it easier for myself to cope with the fact that it was my fault she was gone.

another time i will share the story but for now please just pray that i find peace... i pray everyday for those who hurt like i do. i am not an overly religious person but if i believe that something else has greater power than me then i can find hope in the idea of someone guiding me to peace.

 

<3 ~allicialynne

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