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So now what

i never really writen anything for others to see its always just been random tangents in a notebook that is later lost in my room to be forgotten. i dont exactly know what to think of myself anymore. i dont see anything to be depressed or upset about in my life. im just there. everyone i know has an identity to define who they are. i cant think of anything ever. im just lost, another face and just someone to fill in space at parties.

anyways the reason i am writing this because i thought i managed to push though everything and live normally and what everyone calls happy. i havent. after over 4 years of being what everyone i see calls clean, meaning no self harm, i broke down and let myself have it. i guess i just wanted to make sure i was still alive. its getting harder and harder to remember that i am actually there, and awake when everything seems the same.

as i read and explore the wonders of the internet and what everyone else who is suffering from depression and every other "illness", i realize that i am basically the same person as them i just never took the time to realise. just today i noticed that i starve myself, for no reason. i dont desire to be supper skinny and have a thigh gap and whatever everyone else wants. i just dont want to be fat ever, just the thought of it makes me angry. i am about 5'6 and 120 pound, i never weighed more then that my whole 19 years of living.b ut thats not the point. i say and act like i eat alot, well constantly like all my "friends" do, but its never more then a few bites, and if i eat the whole thing it will most likely be the only thing i eat all day. yea sure i can decide to eat fully but i dont think or realise i am throwing away tons of food daily, its just become normal for me. i find no joy in eating so why do it? i dont find joy in anything really so i haven seen a problem

im sure this just seems like a bunch of random crap that no one is going to take seriously, but its nice to know someone is going to be bored enough to read it one day and that fine by me.

well relationships are a problem for me . i want to be in love so bad that no matter who i talk to i hope and wish that they will be the ones for me to love. i need to love someone i have such a urge to take care and devote whatever i can to a person its pathetic. but when i finally find someone and date them, it always ends ina disaster. mostly this happens now thanks to a incident with the first person i ever loved. i will never talk about it but it has left me damaged and broken, so far i havent been able to escape it all the way. recently i have had someone torn away from me because our relationship was far from healthy, i cant stand it but theres nothing i really can do. i feel his eyes on me every day while im at school and i force myslef to keep walking in hopes to find a better me.

friendships are basically the same i have a handfull that what everyone outside the circle considers my best fiends. to me its a bunch of BS and just see it as fake and untrue. none of them ever really taken the time to look and ask me anything thats going on, if they do its breif and uncaring. so i quit barking up that tree.

i really cant think of anything to say anymore. maybe the next one i will get more personal about a single topic instead of bouncing around every 5 seconds. trust me i have alot more to say about parts of my life it should seriously be a soap opera.

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