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I'm having a relapse. I can now admit it, I can no longer deny it and keep on telling myself to ignore it or dimiss it as something else when I clearly know what it is. I'm such a depressing human being. It's in my blood I guess, it's not something I can help. I guess I can never really appreciate the good things that life hands me and that is really sad. Of course I haven't always been like this, I used to be happy. It's been a long time since I remember being truly genuinley happy, not having to pretend to. It was indeed a wonderful feeling or so I remember.

This is not a suicide letter or anything by the way. I don't even know who I am anymore and I know some people say "It's just a phase, you'll get over it" , well after nine long painful years of pretending to be something you're not,you do feel lost. I can't distinguish reality from the life I created. The question Who am I? is always on my mind. Every feeling that I have is there but it's like I can only feel it on the surface it doesn't reach me, i'm just numb. I can only feel a glimpse of it and when I don't feel it I pretend to. I haven't been doing so good at pretending anymore, people keep asking me "What's wrong?" and like always I respond with the same answer "Nothing, i'm fine."

For a moment I thought that I was actually fine. I was happy, cheerful even or so I thought but then we moved and suddenly i'm back into this dark place. I think moving was what triggered my depression to come back. At first I was okay then slowly I got deeper and deeper. All I know now is that it hurts ten times worse than the first time, all the lies and fake smiles have finally caught up with me.

It hurts so bad. The only way that I can feel relieved and at peace is by cutting. It's the only relief that I know of that will truly work for me, it has also turned into an addiction. I hate how I don't feel regretful towards it, maybe in the future I will but not now. Like three weeks ago I did it and the next day I felt so much better not even a hint of remorse in me. It's like the perfect remedy for me as horrible as that sounds, it's true though. Cutting just helps me cope with myself, if that makes sense. I don't like myself at all, in fact I truly hate myself. The funny thing is that my sister thinks I love myself so much, if she only knew the truth.

I ahve tried to stop cutting but I don't want to and I can't, it's the only way I have ever known to feel better. Nothing else works, I have tried oh believe me I have tried. I just can't help it. My best friend finally found out last year and she was really helpful, I even stopped for a year. But now she's not here to talk to me and stop me from doing it again. I feel so alone even though I am surrounded by people that "love" me. All I can hope for is for one day to feel as complete and content with myself as I used to be.

I can't believe how completely oblivious people are.  My parents for example haven't noticed my cuts even when they are so obvious, one time I was wearing my sweater and the sleeve rose up, I thought they had noticed but they didn't  or maybe they didn't want to see it.  Anyways this is all for today.

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