alysstodd

i went to dinner with my parents tongiht. I was feeling a little fragile i suppose so maybe it it just the final blow that came.

i watch the royal wedding today, and it was wonderful. hower it brought home again the fact to me that it will never be like that for me. i dont mean the princess dream being lived out. i mean the beautiful white dress, the church the vows that every wonan knows off by heart. the walkin down the isle with the vail, like i practice so many times as a child walking down my grandparents corridors. My grnadmother was telling stories about her wedding, and how wonderful it was my mother crying as she remembered the day she said all those wonderful word to my father. At the very moemnt it sunk it, if i am lucky, and i mean ginueinelyn  lucky i will be able to say my vows of 'partership' to my wife in a souless white box.

i cannot tell you how much i dream of that day. but i know that it will still never be my truie dream. and isnt that what a wedding is supposed to be, your dream come true day? i must remine focus though, and understand and appreciate that that day WILL mean that i get to wake up with my wife everyday.

If i could only explain how much i an disappointed with my life. i really dont think that i am one of those people who just sits back and waits for things to happen to them, and then moans that they dont. i really try, i try so hard. i try so hard to make all the people around me happy, i always put my feelings second, cos i believe that if those around you are happy then you will be too. I try so hard to make smart decisions and the decisions that will give me the bext kind of life i could get. It just never seems to work out. i seem to fail at everything.  I am either not good enough to achieve that goal, or when i do its not what i want. i suppose i should try sucking it up and accepting things insted of trying to make my life someting i would be happy with. i seem to  make everyone around me so angry and resentful when i do that

Some people dont get to live their dream, i think that i am one of those people. That should make it easier tho, I accept that fact, so i should feel some contentment from that shouldnt i?

i try so hard and i fail so badly! I choose love in my life. i can accept love, i need it. it make me happy to be loved, and the proper love that she hold for me, the kind of love that means she can tell you your worst faults, and you listen and she still loves you dispight that mess, and you still love her, either tho she pointed it out. i choose to want that in my life, to aspire to want that for myself. And i found it. but of course it is the most complecated version of that someone could find themselves in. All those people in the world, who dont value what they have, who abuse and mistreat the people around them, and they get to wake up next to each other, but me? if i am lucky i get a webcam, and even that is on my parent restriction right now. Can i explain how demeaning it, so  have the only contact with the person sho is your everything on the eagle eye of your parents? and not because they want to protect you, or  dont approve, but because you might use all their internet allowence up!! i mean comne on, how rediculous is that, that your mental balance depends on BT not getting mad at your webcam use? its yet another thing that you can stack up with other issues that make you feel like a worthless person.

I suppose thething that tipped over the 'edge' tonight is my parents. it was meant as a brief light conversation, nothing else, when i asked how much was in the wedding fund for me... i was joking, i have been told so many times that there is nothing. The i was follish. I had a moment of cuirisoty.. i asked how much my brother got for his wedding, for the rehersal dinner and whatever.  I was told it was unanswerable.. and then i stupidly made a flipant comment..'he gets everything'. I said it with a smile and in my little sarcastic tone... its wasnt mean in a real way, i really idnt mean to touch the nerve i aparently trampled all over. i was told in no uncertain terms that I had cost so much more than my brother, and that they were to add it totals up, i managed to suppass him in a matter of moments. The cost of university, the cost of keeping me, picking me back up... starting my loves again, as they have had to do so many times. It is true my parents have helped me so many times. And i have always been so greatful. i dont expect thier help, i dont come cap in hand. But this information was delivered to me which such a rsentful tone. I had no  idea i had caused them so muhc discomfort and frustration. i broke my heart, because all the things they listed off, i did for them. i didnt want to go to university, i wanted to take a gap year and see where i was. i hated the thought of staying in school any longer than i needed. I tried to hard to convince them that it would be better for me to take a gap year. Get working, get some money some experience, But they wanted me to go. they started so hard with the issue that i wouldnt get anywhere in life if i didnt go to uni, my brother started pressuring me, saying that i would get used to the money, and that i wouldnt go to uni, and that i needed to go. The overall conversations for almost a year was how my life who be better if i want to university. And its not, It was the wrong decisions for me. but i wasnt allowed to make my decision. i was told and told and told... my dad used to say that i would end up and some factory worker if i didnt go to university. And that wold automatically mean i would be unhappy. It was a lie. I hated university. i wasnt ready for it. i was such a broken little girl, runing away to london ws a hugh mistake. But i wanted to make them proud. I wanted to make everyone happy. So off i went. To struggle with isolation, a quickly growing drink and cannabis problem, and then of course along came a sexuality confusion. And at the end of it? a degree that hasnt done anything for me. ohm it did give me a 15,000 ound student debt, but at the time it was worth it, cos they were happy? Right? Tonight it seems that it was nothing but a huge cost for them. The start of the list of costs. what a waste of time, money and my life it was.

The thing that gets me so upset, is that i try so hard. I feel like such a vitim of circumstance.. but thats the excuse that so many people guve for being failures..I only I hadnt lived on the same street as that boy. if only my parents had reacted appropriatly, maybe i would have a feeling of self worth? If only i ahdnt of gone out that night? If only i hadnt gone to that toilet, if i had gone to the one at the front of the building, i woulndt of got caught on my way back out. If only i had the self worth? Maybe i would of gone to the police and not hidden and tried to push it deep down for nine months. LMAO my life sounds lie a comedy of errors.. lmao I want to make a list lmao

- abused at 4, parents no reactoin when i told them

- terrible teenage years, mother told me that abuse was gods way of punishing me, and she would rather have my friend as a duaughter ( funny how things stick with you)

- Gang raped in public by 5 men at 17

- didnt speak about it for 9 months, drank and smoked heavily.

- sucide attempt no.1 ( yes cry for help, shame no one was around to hear it)

- told dr, and was told it was probably my fault, parent very small reaction when they were told.

- off to london, left to own devices, drinking and smoking progressed to dependancy

- sucide attempt no.2  (another cry for help, lol no one all that interested to be honest)

- sexuality, well what words can i use to explain this time? i dont know... lots more self hatred?

- depression number 1, medication, crying, drinking

- sucide attempt no.3, scared the shit out of a lorry driver - by now i am sick of listening to me!

-wasted time in relationships trying so hard to make it work..it didnt, it wouldnt

- parents 'rough patch' loosing repsect for the only person who had been remotely loving towards me, realising that the main motivation for his behaviour towards me, was probably for a cover and distraction.

- attempt number two to pull life together, vis teaching... complete mess

- failed relationship

- fell in love!!! (with a woman in America, logistically impossible to actually be together)

- depression no.2 due to logistical issues, mis medication which induced sucidal behaviours again

- took a risk!! one that I WANTED to take. didnt pay off

-general fertility issues,

- 28 living in parents office, reminded how muhc money i have cost them and unable to access my wife.

of course i know i am in a bad place today, and there are some good things in there. i am highly skilled at dusting myself off, working it out, and starting again. i managed to manage drinking and smoking issues. I managed to pull myself out of a the depths of beyond a few times. I am GREAT with children. Maybe i should try one day and list some of my good qualities. but not today cos i cant see them.