My Life

Well all, the wedding is over - I am now a married woman! The family was great, the rehearsal dinner was fun, the wedding ceremony was as perfect as I knew it would be, the reception was fun and the honeymoon was relaxing! Now... back to life... back to reality!

The warmth, love and support from family and friends was overwhelming and touching to both me and Mr. H. They all came to both the ceremony and the reception, and everyone danced, laughed, drank and ate ate ate!!  It felt so wonderful knowing that they all cared so much. :-)

The hate seems to be slowly leaving me, by the way. How can I feel hate when I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the love of my life, when I have friends and family who care so much, and when we have a great dog who wants nothing more than some attention from her mommy and daddy?

I've realized that what comes around truly does go around and the evil people in this world will get what they deserve. Some already have. I do very much beleive in God and know that he is up there just waiting to give goodness to those who live the best life they know how. He is up there taking notes and gives gifts when we least expect them. Gives gifts in the form of loss sometimes. Gives gifts in the form of disappointment sometimes. Gives gifts when we need them the most.

As for struggle? How could we truly appreciate these gifts without it? Struggling and Pain are two of the most terrible things for a human to endure, but without them the good stuff wouldn 't really matter that much, would it? I was 32 when i met my husband and 34 when we married. Some would consider that pretty old to marry - I couldn't think of anything more perfect. God knew that perhaps Mr H and I were not ready for one another until now and that is why he left us to meet in our 30's. I truly believe that we come across others in our lives at just the right moment. I truly believe that God does not make mistakes, but only wants us to grow and learn from difficult experiences.

The most wonderful poem called, "Footprints," is worth reading if you have not. If you have? I know that God has carried me during times in my life - I know that well. I know that sometimes he has put others in my life to carry me when he could not. I know that Mr H will carry me forever as I will carry him.

Sorry for the blabbering and the religion - I'm just feeling so blessed right now it's hard to contain it!!!

I had a breakdown on Sunday. A full-out crying fest that found me covered in tears talking to my fiance about hate. There is someone walking around this planet who I despise more every day. Someone who has caused me serious damage. Someone who began tying a noose around my neck years ago, and despite his - THANK YOU JESUS - exit from my life, the noose is still tightening around my neck.

Is it wrong to hate? I always felt that it was, and I know in my brain that hating someone who probably doesn't even give you a second thought does nothing but hurt me, but I can't seem to shake it. He has taken from me the short-term ability to do things I want to do with my own life. Christ! He has put me in debt that I cannot escape for another two years. This means that although I would love to teach, I cannot leave the career I am in now. Although my career is just that, an actual career as opposed to a job, it does not light me up like teaching or running a nursery school did. Although there are many aspects of my career that are rewarding, there are also a million headaches I'd rather not deal with; self-absorbed drug addicts who put their own needs above those of their own children, and mentally ill parents who I will admit I fear sometimes.

So... I ask myself again. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to wish bad things upon someone? Even if this person stole from you, verbally abused you, used you, and left the imprints of his heels on your back when he was gone? To be clear, this person I hate is not a good person. He is an abusive user who resembles that of a teenager on summer vacation from school. His own brother called him a wrecking crew that left nothing but destruction in his path. But still... should I just allow the hate to fester? Should I, I can't even imagine, try to forgive and forget? Or just mark it as a learning experince?

I mean, look at me now. I am thin again. I am making a good living. I have family and friends who love me. And, most importantly, I have  a man by my side who loves me with the same passion and depth that I love him. A man who is the best friend I've ever had. A man who I am fiercely attracted to. A man who makes love to me like a master.  A man I am marrying this month. A man that I feel God put on this earth for me to meet and fall in love with. The most wonderful, kind, caring, loving, passionate, handsome and just AWESOME man I have ever known. This man is my angel on earth. I am so lucky to have him. Why in God's name am I allowing hate to brew and boil in my body when I have been so blessed these last two years? Is it normal? I just don't know.

How can you feel so lucky and blessed and so unlucky and ANGRY at the same time? I mean seriously? I wish I could punch this man in the face and knock his danm teeth out. I wish I could repeatly kick him in the groin. I wish that I could cause him SEVERE pain. My therapist said it's normal and justified - just as Mr H did. I can see their point, but can you see mine? Why allow this DOUSCHEBAG to keep affecting my life?

I think I have to try and let it go. It's just that everytime I pay any money towards the debt that he caused I get so mad. At him. At myself for allowing it to happen.

One good thing? I did sue the fucker. And I won. Although I have not seen any money, the lawyer has filed the Judgement against him with the state, and he will either have to fill out a financial statement or he will be arrested. Is it wrong to hope he is arrested? To hope that Big Bob at the prison makes him his boyfriend?

I think what gets me the most is that I really do try to be a good person. I try to do the right things and think all the right things as well. I try very hard. I try to not judge and give people the benefit of the doubt. It's in my head that hate is wrong and I don't want to feel that way. Live that way. BE that way. I just want to move on with my life with Mr H and never have to look back again. Even in hate.

I think I am going to work on this hate thing. Perhaps once the debt is gone the hate will be gone too. I guess that remains to be seen...

I remember being in college and taking about 20 writing  classes, from Creative Writing to Journalism. In all of these classes we spent time, "Free Writing," in journals. Since this blog is my journal, I am going to give it a try. Please forgive spelling and grammar errors, as i will just be writing until I stop.

I learned something on the internet today about control. I've always known I had the weakness of being controlling about most things, but I never really bothered to learn why. Why do I always need to be the one to make things happen? And why, when I have no control, do I get angry, frustrated and sometimes upset to the point of crying? These articles I read this morning definitely helped me understand better.

The articles explained that for a person that is controlling, particulary a woman who is controlling, it is about fear. It is because the woman feels that unless she is controlling a situation, the situation will fall apart and hurt her. That is the root of the control issue. And then, when control is taken, anger and frustration take it's place. These emotions are also about fear, according to the article.

When I read that, I saw a light bulb go off in my brain. Such as with my bachelorette party, I felt the NEED to get involved because I was so afraid that if I did not, people I cared for would be left out UNINTENTIONALLY. I was also afraid that if I did not mention it, people would not care enough about me to show up. So I got involved. Then I got yelled at for getting involved. I did not realize that by getting involved, I was basically saying to my sister and cousin that I did not trust them. It wasn't that. It really wasn't. It was my FEAR making me obsess about it. I fear that I am not liked enough for people to show up for me. That's the truth.

I want to stop being like this. I want to stop my fears from coming out in control, anger and frustration. I am afraid my dog won't listen to me, so I yell at her and lose my patience. Sometimes I'm afraid that Mr H will change his mind about me so my fear forces me to try and take care of everything so he does not have to worry about anything. This way he sees me as the person in his life who gets things done so he does not have to concern myself with any of it.

The result of all this control? Pushing people away and hurting them. Guilt overtaking me for hurting the people I care the most about. Hurting the ones I love the most. I can't say how much I don't want to do that.

Mr H and the dog are my family. I love them both so very much - but then why don't I trust them not to hurt me? I feel like consciously I do trust Mr H. I trust him with all of my heart and soul, but it seems that my subconscious is telling that unless I take control of a situation, the outcome will hurt me in the end. Not on purpose. I know Mr H would never hurt me on purpose... so what the FUCK is the deal then?

I want so desperately to surrender all of my fear, control and anger. I was to surrender myself completely to Mr H. It's funny though. All of this time I thought I was. I love him so much that I honestly thought that I could not give more of myself to him than I already had. But I can.

I am going to go back to therapy with a psychologist to help me. I cannot lose my Mr H, nor do I want him to stay with me and marry me because he feels obligated or because of my tears. I want Mr H to marry me because he truly wants to. Because he KNOWS that we are soul mates and best friends.

I found a therapist named Dr. B that I am anxious to begin with. I want her and Mr H to help me understand why I am so scared all the time. Was it my early adolescence? My father, who is a wonderful man now, was a verbally abusive alcoholic from the time I was about 10 until I was 14. Does this root of my problem come from him? Is it because I had no control?  Is it because my dad told me that I looked like a slut and that I was no good? Is it because of the times that dad locked me out of the house when the dishes weren't done properly? In the winter? In shorts? Please don't misunderstand me. I have forgiven my father years ago. But even through forgiveness do the scars remain? Was I so out of control for four years that I have now spent the last 20 years looking to make sure I am never hurt like that again? But Mr H would never hurt me like that! I am so confused.

Then I thought... was it the bullying I received when I was 11-13? I was verbally bullied to the point that I would run home from school and cry alone in my room every day. I never defended myself either. I listened to the horrible things they said and watched the other children laugh at me. Sometimes I even laughed even though I was hurting so badly. Is that a loss of control? Could it be that? Could it be both? I just don't know.

All I do know is that I PRAYING for help with this. I am hoping that Mr H and the psychologist can help me too. I am reaching out for help, and I think that's a good thing. I've looked up control and anger management, and I will be utilizing the anger management techniques. I will go to the doctor and ask her to please help me with my impatience, control and anger issues. I want to be a better person. For everyone in my life - especially for the love of my life... Mr H.

My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. I am hurting the people I love the most. The guilt of that is ripping me up inside. Should I take my half a Xanax that I brought to work? What should I do?

Is the first step in fixing something admitting it? Yes, I think it is... Because then, as soon as it's admitted, the problem can be addressed and solved. I am determined to solve this problem. I want to be a good wife and mother. More than anything in this world. I never ever want to hurt or disappoint Mr H. I don't want to yell at the dog. I just want to be happy. And I have realized something. Since I let go of any part of the bachelorette party, I've been much more relaxed about it. Nothing is up to me. OH. MY. GOD. It is self-inflicted stress I put on myself. There is no need.

I remember when i had my nervous breakdown. I was a person I did not recognize and I wanted it to change but did not know how. I was in breakdown/anxiety/depression mode for six months. Then I went to therapy. I cannot tell you how quickly the therapy worked to get me going. I started workign with children, and magic happened. I need that magic again. I need to understand. I need to be a patient, loving and kind wife to the love of my life. I need to be a better person in general. I need to be happy so I can help the people I care for the most happy too.

How do you forgive and let go? I used to be the type of person who would NEVER have posted that, "I Still Like Me," blog. The thought of hurting anyone on purpose has always been beyond me. I've always been more comfortable writing my thoughts out... but I have to admit that I kind of assumed one of those women was going to read it. At the time, I genuinely HOPED that she would. Although what was written were my true feelings, I still feel badly that she probably read it and was more than likely hurt by it. Even though she's hurt me a number of times, I have to try and remember who I really am. A person who does not hurt anyone on purpose. The truth is? I'm disappointed and proud of myself at the same time. Proud that I was finally able to defend myself after all this time, but disappointed that someone, even someone who hates me so much was possibly hurt by MY actions. I am sorry if my words hurt this person. It was very wrong of me.

Part of my anxiety problem is obsession. Something gets planted in my head. I begin to become part of it. Then, without realizing it, I begin to get full-on obsessed with it. I have a great deal of trouble letting things go. Doctor says that is is, in fact, part of my GAD.

Also, I have always had trouble deciphering between defending myself and just being a total bitch. Or... is it that people are so used to me NOT defending myself that when I do they cannot beleive it and automatically tag me as, "bitch?" So confusing.

How do I stop the obsessions? Not just with the two women mentioned previously not liking me, because, frankly, I don't like them either I've decided, but with EVERYTHING.

As has been pointed out to me, my anxiety causes my obsessions, but why have my obsessions been so negative lately? Why have I become obsessed with not liking certain people and just assuming that everyone is out to get me and no one really likes me or will be there for me?

I have thought a lot about this, and have decided that I am going to try my best to control my obsessions and keep them POSITIVE. Nothing wrong with obsessing with the positive, right? Well... I understand any obsession is not a fantastic way to live, but since it is, in fact, part of my illness, which is part of my life, then I must accept it. I must also try to keep things on a positive tip. I have always been a positive person. What happened? When did everything go South? Has it just been that I've been pushed to the point of lashing out? Am I just missing Mr H? Am I nervous that the wedding won't go as we planned?  What's wrong with me?

I understand that we all have a dark side and no one is perfect, but I really want the positive girl I used to be back. And starting at this moment, I will be fighting like hell to get her back. For me. For my friends and family. For my enemies. And especially for Mr H.

Thanks for listening.

I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. There are two people somewhat in my life who do not like me. One of them does not like me simply because I exist. The other does not because I don't allow her to bully me as she does so many others.

It made me think... is it me? I have been happy with the person that I have become in the last four years, but these people treating me like I was less than human made me really stop, think, and take stock in the woman that I am.

The first one, Christ... she doesn't even know me.  She has decided that I am, in fact, the devil, and has proceeded to take every opportunity to make me look bad, ignore me, and be BLATENTLY and RUDELY obvious in her distaste for me. Screw her. She has hurt my feelings for the last time. She has taken up even a fraction of my thinking for the last time. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HER. About two years ago I committed a very very MINOR infraction upon her, and she has taken that and decided that I was no good-even after I not only apologized to the bitch, but tried to make amends as well, as we have a mutual friend whom I did not wish to put in the middle of this nonsense.  Now? She can rot as far as I'm concerned.

R -O -T in her own self-inflicted misery.

The other one is that bitchy co-worker of mine. I have learned that she is extremely judgemental about everyone. If you do not do things the way she advises you or thinks you should, she's just plain mean. I do things my own way, thank you. I take advice, process it, and make my own decisions. NOT HERS.  Let me tell you... this bitch knows if someone moved a danm pen on her desk and wants to know who it was! The girl is just viscious. I've talked to others in the office about it, and it seems to be the general consensus. I even hear the way she talks to her clients. Wow. She expects respect but rarely gives it in return. I'm done with her too. I will work with her and be cordial, but nothing else. I had to invite her to the wedding because she is in my unit, but honestly? I'd rather she didn't even show up.

These two women are obviously either unhappy with their lives or just hateful people. I'm not really sure which. I have felt sympathy for both of them in the past, but now? I just don't care at all anymore. You can only be stepped on so many times before you lose your ability to give a shit. I now officially DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.

So the point? Although I have plenty of faults and things about myself that I would change, and will continue working to change throughout my whole life, I still like who I am. Yes, I am inpatient. Yes, I am blunt. Yes, my sense of humor can be warped sometimes. Yes, I talk too much. Yes, I have a BIIIIIIIIG mouth sometimes. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I get frustrated with my family and our dog. Yes, sometimes I say the wrong things at the wrong time. But... I also know that I am human. And that is what being human is.

I have spent the last few days really hating myself and wondering how I can change myself. I'm done with that. As I stated, I will always try to alter the behaviors that I recognize as liabilities, but I will still love the ones that I see as assets. Besides... there's only two people who openly don't like me, and lots more that do! Especially Mr H... he really loves me as deeply and passionately as I love him. He's always on my side. He always shows me how much he loves me.  It's such a wonderful feeling after years of emotional abuse and lonliness. I will love him for the rest of our lives together...and there will be plenty!

Life... love... children... friendship... and phenominal sex!!! The future for Mr and Mrs H.  :D