My Life

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Life is pretending.

Pretending at work that I am ok when I am not. Not at all.

Pretending that a horrible person, if you could call him that, has not destroyed my life.

Pretending that my insides are not being eaten away every moment.

Pretending that prayer actually works.

Pretending that I am strong.

Pretending that I did not fuck up so badlythat my life is not in turmoil.

Pretending that I can hide my feelings.

Pretending that I am not shaking and almost crying at every second.

Pretending that anxiety does not control me.

Pretending that I am a decent person worthy of the love of the love of my life.

Pretending that I am not a pushover sap.

Pretending that I can survive anything.

Pretending that I am not in prison.

Pretending that I am enough.

Pretending that all I do is enough.

Pretending... Pretending... Pretending...

The pain is so bad right now I don't know what to do.

The fear is pressing up against my body. It is enclosing me like I am in a jail cell.

The fear is so close right now that I don't know how to escape it.

Pretending that fear does not control me.

I love you...

As I wrote before, I am now married to the love of my life and it honestly feels like the best decision I have ever made for myself. My life is now complete with the man that God sent for me to marry. We had a beautiful wedding, glorious honeymoon, and a few weeks of married life before my sweet husband had to go back to his country because of Immigration laws. Ugh.

Last night I took him to the airport and although all of the usual feelings were there - sadness, anger, frustration and pain, it somehow felt even worse this time. He is now my HUSBAND. He is not just my boyfriend or even fiance, but the man I stood in front of friends, family and God for goodness sake pledging my love, loyalty and committment too. This seperation is just... wrong. On every possible level.

I miss him already. I spent all day and night yesterday crying. Knowing the hurting that I was going to experience today. Knowing the hurting he was going to experience today. We are just no good without each other. One thing he did say, which I agree with, is that we own each others hearts and nothing, not even distance can take that away or seperate us emotionally. I have already spoken to him and we will see each other via web cam later, but how I wish I could touch him right now.

And Mr H... I worry about him. I worry about how he will get through each day of this. I worry that I am his wife and I am supposed to take care of him, and I am not there to do it. I try so hard. I try to call, text, write, send cards... I try to be there with him as much as I can. Is it nearly enough though? He does the same for me and I am grateful... but nothing compares to kissing hello, holding each other and even just eating dinner and watching TV together. :-(

This morning my routine went right back to before the wedding. It was horrible. I feel just plain horrible right now. I miss my husband so much... BUT, I am at work and cannot indulge myself into tears. Is that a good thing? Distraction?

I am going to see him next month but it never feels close enough. We are going to work on Immigration then as well, but that doesn't even feel close enough. I have to say that I don't care about anything right now expect making it possible for us to be together permanently, and never have to seperate again. I don't care about the money. I don't care about this job. I don't care about anything right now. I am so fucking sad.

Forgive me for rambling... I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

Well all, the wedding is over - I am now a married woman! The family was great, the rehearsal dinner was fun, the wedding ceremony was as perfect as I knew it would be, the reception was fun and the honeymoon was relaxing! Now... back to life... back to reality!

The warmth, love and support from family and friends was overwhelming and touching to both me and Mr. H. They all came to both the ceremony and the reception, and everyone danced, laughed, drank and ate ate ate!!  It felt so wonderful knowing that they all cared so much. :-)

The hate seems to be slowly leaving me, by the way. How can I feel hate when I am so blessed to be married to my best friend and the love of my life, when I have friends and family who care so much, and when we have a great dog who wants nothing more than some attention from her mommy and daddy?

I've realized that what comes around truly does go around and the evil people in this world will get what they deserve. Some already have. I do very much beleive in God and know that he is up there just waiting to give goodness to those who live the best life they know how. He is up there taking notes and gives gifts when we least expect them. Gives gifts in the form of loss sometimes. Gives gifts in the form of disappointment sometimes. Gives gifts when we need them the most.

As for struggle? How could we truly appreciate these gifts without it? Struggling and Pain are two of the most terrible things for a human to endure, but without them the good stuff wouldn 't really matter that much, would it? I was 32 when i met my husband and 34 when we married. Some would consider that pretty old to marry - I couldn't think of anything more perfect. God knew that perhaps Mr H and I were not ready for one another until now and that is why he left us to meet in our 30's. I truly believe that we come across others in our lives at just the right moment. I truly believe that God does not make mistakes, but only wants us to grow and learn from difficult experiences.

The most wonderful poem called, "Footprints," is worth reading if you have not. If you have? I know that God has carried me during times in my life - I know that well. I know that sometimes he has put others in my life to carry me when he could not. I know that Mr H will carry me forever as I will carry him.

Sorry for the blabbering and the religion - I'm just feeling so blessed right now it's hard to contain it!!!

I had a breakdown on Sunday. A full-out crying fest that found me covered in tears talking to my fiance about hate. There is someone walking around this planet who I despise more every day. Someone who has caused me serious damage. Someone who began tying a noose around my neck years ago, and despite his - THANK YOU JESUS - exit from my life, the noose is still tightening around my neck.

Is it wrong to hate? I always felt that it was, and I know in my brain that hating someone who probably doesn't even give you a second thought does nothing but hurt me, but I can't seem to shake it. He has taken from me the short-term ability to do things I want to do with my own life. Christ! He has put me in debt that I cannot escape for another two years. This means that although I would love to teach, I cannot leave the career I am in now. Although my career is just that, an actual career as opposed to a job, it does not light me up like teaching or running a nursery school did. Although there are many aspects of my career that are rewarding, there are also a million headaches I'd rather not deal with; self-absorbed drug addicts who put their own needs above those of their own children, and mentally ill parents who I will admit I fear sometimes.

So... I ask myself again. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to wish bad things upon someone? Even if this person stole from you, verbally abused you, used you, and left the imprints of his heels on your back when he was gone? To be clear, this person I hate is not a good person. He is an abusive user who resembles that of a teenager on summer vacation from school. His own brother called him a wrecking crew that left nothing but destruction in his path. But still... should I just allow the hate to fester? Should I, I can't even imagine, try to forgive and forget? Or just mark it as a learning experince?

I mean, look at me now. I am thin again. I am making a good living. I have family and friends who love me. And, most importantly, I have  a man by my side who loves me with the same passion and depth that I love him. A man who is the best friend I've ever had. A man who I am fiercely attracted to. A man who makes love to me like a master.  A man I am marrying this month. A man that I feel God put on this earth for me to meet and fall in love with. The most wonderful, kind, caring, loving, passionate, handsome and just AWESOME man I have ever known. This man is my angel on earth. I am so lucky to have him. Why in God's name am I allowing hate to brew and boil in my body when I have been so blessed these last two years? Is it normal? I just don't know.

How can you feel so lucky and blessed and so unlucky and ANGRY at the same time? I mean seriously? I wish I could punch this man in the face and knock his danm teeth out. I wish I could repeatly kick him in the groin. I wish that I could cause him SEVERE pain. My therapist said it's normal and justified - just as Mr H did. I can see their point, but can you see mine? Why allow this DOUSCHEBAG to keep affecting my life?

I think I have to try and let it go. It's just that everytime I pay any money towards the debt that he caused I get so mad. At him. At myself for allowing it to happen.

One good thing? I did sue the fucker. And I won. Although I have not seen any money, the lawyer has filed the Judgement against him with the state, and he will either have to fill out a financial statement or he will be arrested. Is it wrong to hope he is arrested? To hope that Big Bob at the prison makes him his boyfriend?

I think what gets me the most is that I really do try to be a good person. I try to do the right things and think all the right things as well. I try very hard. I try to not judge and give people the benefit of the doubt. It's in my head that hate is wrong and I don't want to feel that way. Live that way. BE that way. I just want to move on with my life with Mr H and never have to look back again. Even in hate.

I think I am going to work on this hate thing. Perhaps once the debt is gone the hate will be gone too. I guess that remains to be seen...