My Life

How do you forgive and let go? I used to be the type of person who would NEVER have posted that, "I Still Like Me," blog. The thought of hurting anyone on purpose has always been beyond me. I've always been more comfortable writing my thoughts out... but I have to admit that I kind of assumed one of those women was going to read it. At the time, I genuinely HOPED that she would. Although what was written were my true feelings, I still feel badly that she probably read it and was more than likely hurt by it. Even though she's hurt me a number of times, I have to try and remember who I really am. A person who does not hurt anyone on purpose. The truth is? I'm disappointed and proud of myself at the same time. Proud that I was finally able to defend myself after all this time, but disappointed that someone, even someone who hates me so much was possibly hurt by MY actions. I am sorry if my words hurt this person. It was very wrong of me.

Part of my anxiety problem is obsession. Something gets planted in my head. I begin to become part of it. Then, without realizing it, I begin to get full-on obsessed with it. I have a great deal of trouble letting things go. Doctor says that is is, in fact, part of my GAD.

Also, I have always had trouble deciphering between defending myself and just being a total bitch. Or... is it that people are so used to me NOT defending myself that when I do they cannot beleive it and automatically tag me as, "bitch?" So confusing.

How do I stop the obsessions? Not just with the two women mentioned previously not liking me, because, frankly, I don't like them either I've decided, but with EVERYTHING.

As has been pointed out to me, my anxiety causes my obsessions, but why have my obsessions been so negative lately? Why have I become obsessed with not liking certain people and just assuming that everyone is out to get me and no one really likes me or will be there for me?

I have thought a lot about this, and have decided that I am going to try my best to control my obsessions and keep them POSITIVE. Nothing wrong with obsessing with the positive, right? Well... I understand any obsession is not a fantastic way to live, but since it is, in fact, part of my illness, which is part of my life, then I must accept it. I must also try to keep things on a positive tip. I have always been a positive person. What happened? When did everything go South? Has it just been that I've been pushed to the point of lashing out? Am I just missing Mr H? Am I nervous that the wedding won't go as we planned?  What's wrong with me?

I understand that we all have a dark side and no one is perfect, but I really want the positive girl I used to be back. And starting at this moment, I will be fighting like hell to get her back. For me. For my friends and family. For my enemies. And especially for Mr H.

Thanks for listening.