My Life

I remember being in college and taking about 20 writing  classes, from Creative Writing to Journalism. In all of these classes we spent time, "Free Writing," in journals. Since this blog is my journal, I am going to give it a try. Please forgive spelling and grammar errors, as i will just be writing until I stop.

I learned something on the internet today about control. I've always known I had the weakness of being controlling about most things, but I never really bothered to learn why. Why do I always need to be the one to make things happen? And why, when I have no control, do I get angry, frustrated and sometimes upset to the point of crying? These articles I read this morning definitely helped me understand better.

The articles explained that for a person that is controlling, particulary a woman who is controlling, it is about fear. It is because the woman feels that unless she is controlling a situation, the situation will fall apart and hurt her. That is the root of the control issue. And then, when control is taken, anger and frustration take it's place. These emotions are also about fear, according to the article.

When I read that, I saw a light bulb go off in my brain. Such as with my bachelorette party, I felt the NEED to get involved because I was so afraid that if I did not, people I cared for would be left out UNINTENTIONALLY. I was also afraid that if I did not mention it, people would not care enough about me to show up. So I got involved. Then I got yelled at for getting involved. I did not realize that by getting involved, I was basically saying to my sister and cousin that I did not trust them. It wasn't that. It really wasn't. It was my FEAR making me obsess about it. I fear that I am not liked enough for people to show up for me. That's the truth.

I want to stop being like this. I want to stop my fears from coming out in control, anger and frustration. I am afraid my dog won't listen to me, so I yell at her and lose my patience. Sometimes I'm afraid that Mr H will change his mind about me so my fear forces me to try and take care of everything so he does not have to worry about anything. This way he sees me as the person in his life who gets things done so he does not have to concern myself with any of it.

The result of all this control? Pushing people away and hurting them. Guilt overtaking me for hurting the people I care the most about. Hurting the ones I love the most. I can't say how much I don't want to do that.

Mr H and the dog are my family. I love them both so very much - but then why don't I trust them not to hurt me? I feel like consciously I do trust Mr H. I trust him with all of my heart and soul, but it seems that my subconscious is telling that unless I take control of a situation, the outcome will hurt me in the end. Not on purpose. I know Mr H would never hurt me on purpose... so what the FUCK is the deal then?

I want so desperately to surrender all of my fear, control and anger. I was to surrender myself completely to Mr H. It's funny though. All of this time I thought I was. I love him so much that I honestly thought that I could not give more of myself to him than I already had. But I can.

I am going to go back to therapy with a psychologist to help me. I cannot lose my Mr H, nor do I want him to stay with me and marry me because he feels obligated or because of my tears. I want Mr H to marry me because he truly wants to. Because he KNOWS that we are soul mates and best friends.

I found a therapist named Dr. B that I am anxious to begin with. I want her and Mr H to help me understand why I am so scared all the time. Was it my early adolescence? My father, who is a wonderful man now, was a verbally abusive alcoholic from the time I was about 10 until I was 14. Does this root of my problem come from him? Is it because I had no control?  Is it because my dad told me that I looked like a slut and that I was no good? Is it because of the times that dad locked me out of the house when the dishes weren't done properly? In the winter? In shorts? Please don't misunderstand me. I have forgiven my father years ago. But even through forgiveness do the scars remain? Was I so out of control for four years that I have now spent the last 20 years looking to make sure I am never hurt like that again? But Mr H would never hurt me like that! I am so confused.

Then I thought... was it the bullying I received when I was 11-13? I was verbally bullied to the point that I would run home from school and cry alone in my room every day. I never defended myself either. I listened to the horrible things they said and watched the other children laugh at me. Sometimes I even laughed even though I was hurting so badly. Is that a loss of control? Could it be that? Could it be both? I just don't know.

All I do know is that I PRAYING for help with this. I am hoping that Mr H and the psychologist can help me too. I am reaching out for help, and I think that's a good thing. I've looked up control and anger management, and I will be utilizing the anger management techniques. I will go to the doctor and ask her to please help me with my impatience, control and anger issues. I want to be a better person. For everyone in my life - especially for the love of my life... Mr H.

My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. I am hurting the people I love the most. The guilt of that is ripping me up inside. Should I take my half a Xanax that I brought to work? What should I do?

Is the first step in fixing something admitting it? Yes, I think it is... Because then, as soon as it's admitted, the problem can be addressed and solved. I am determined to solve this problem. I want to be a good wife and mother. More than anything in this world. I never ever want to hurt or disappoint Mr H. I don't want to yell at the dog. I just want to be happy. And I have realized something. Since I let go of any part of the bachelorette party, I've been much more relaxed about it. Nothing is up to me. OH. MY. GOD. It is self-inflicted stress I put on myself. There is no need.

I remember when i had my nervous breakdown. I was a person I did not recognize and I wanted it to change but did not know how. I was in breakdown/anxiety/depression mode for six months. Then I went to therapy. I cannot tell you how quickly the therapy worked to get me going. I started workign with children, and magic happened. I need that magic again. I need to understand. I need to be a patient, loving and kind wife to the love of my life. I need to be a better person in general. I need to be happy so I can help the people I care for the most happy too.