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I had a breakdown on Sunday. A full-out crying fest that found me covered in tears talking to my fiance about hate. There is someone walking around this planet who I despise more every day. Someone who has caused me serious damage. Someone who began tying a noose around my neck years ago, and despite his - THANK YOU JESUS - exit from my life, the noose is still tightening around my neck.

Is it wrong to hate? I always felt that it was, and I know in my brain that hating someone who probably doesn't even give you a second thought does nothing but hurt me, but I can't seem to shake it. He has taken from me the short-term ability to do things I want to do with my own life. Christ! He has put me in debt that I cannot escape for another two years. This means that although I would love to teach, I cannot leave the career I am in now. Although my career is just that, an actual career as opposed to a job, it does not light me up like teaching or running a nursery school did. Although there are many aspects of my career that are rewarding, there are also a million headaches I'd rather not deal with; self-absorbed drug addicts who put their own needs above those of their own children, and mentally ill parents who I will admit I fear sometimes.

So... I ask myself again. Is it wrong to hate? Is it wrong to wish bad things upon someone? Even if this person stole from you, verbally abused you, used you, and left the imprints of his heels on your back when he was gone? To be clear, this person I hate is not a good person. He is an abusive user who resembles that of a teenager on summer vacation from school. His own brother called him a wrecking crew that left nothing but destruction in his path. But still... should I just allow the hate to fester? Should I, I can't even imagine, try to forgive and forget? Or just mark it as a learning experince?

I mean, look at me now. I am thin again. I am making a good living. I have family and friends who love me. And, most importantly, I have  a man by my side who loves me with the same passion and depth that I love him. A man who is the best friend I've ever had. A man who I am fiercely attracted to. A man who makes love to me like a master.  A man I am marrying this month. A man that I feel God put on this earth for me to meet and fall in love with. The most wonderful, kind, caring, loving, passionate, handsome and just AWESOME man I have ever known. This man is my angel on earth. I am so lucky to have him. Why in God's name am I allowing hate to brew and boil in my body when I have been so blessed these last two years? Is it normal? I just don't know.

How can you feel so lucky and blessed and so unlucky and ANGRY at the same time? I mean seriously? I wish I could punch this man in the face and knock his danm teeth out. I wish I could repeatly kick him in the groin. I wish that I could cause him SEVERE pain. My therapist said it's normal and justified - just as Mr H did. I can see their point, but can you see mine? Why allow this DOUSCHEBAG to keep affecting my life?

I think I have to try and let it go. It's just that everytime I pay any money towards the debt that he caused I get so mad. At him. At myself for allowing it to happen.

One good thing? I did sue the fucker. And I won. Although I have not seen any money, the lawyer has filed the Judgement against him with the state, and he will either have to fill out a financial statement or he will be arrested. Is it wrong to hope he is arrested? To hope that Big Bob at the prison makes him his boyfriend?

I think what gets me the most is that I really do try to be a good person. I try to do the right things and think all the right things as well. I try very hard. I try to not judge and give people the benefit of the doubt. It's in my head that hate is wrong and I don't want to feel that way. Live that way. BE that way. I just want to move on with my life with Mr H and never have to look back again. Even in hate.

I think I am going to work on this hate thing. Perhaps once the debt is gone the hate will be gone too. I guess that remains to be seen...


# looking4peace [Member] Email on 08/16/10 at 18:03
It sounds like you have a lot going for you now. You are getting married starting a new life. The more you hold onto the past the more it will weigh you down. The damage has been done. You can't and shouldn't beat yourself up about it any longer. It is wrong to hate, I believe...I dislike a whole bunch of things but I try not to hate them. By you hating and putting so much negative towards him, makes you him. Like you said..."let go" you will wake up one morning and laugh about it, well maybe snicker....congrats on your upcoming wedding.
# Mrs H [Member] Email on 08/16/10 at 19:01
Hi - I do so welcome the feedback! And I know you are right. Hating only weakens me. :-( I am trying to move on. It's just so difficult when this PRICK did what he did and has seemingly gotten away with it! Even though I sued him and won, I highly doubt I will see one penny of the money, and he will always find some woman stupid enough to take care of him. Ugh. BUT -

You are quite correct that I should be focusing on my new future with the greatest man in the world for me. A good, decent, kind and hard-working man who would never use me that way. I do feel lucky... thanks again and welcome!!!

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