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As I wrote before, I am now married to the love of my life and it honestly feels like the best decision I have ever made for myself. My life is now complete with the man that God sent for me to marry. We had a beautiful wedding, glorious honeymoon, and a few weeks of married life before my sweet husband had to go back to his country because of Immigration laws. Ugh.

Last night I took him to the airport and although all of the usual feelings were there - sadness, anger, frustration and pain, it somehow felt even worse this time. He is now my HUSBAND. He is not just my boyfriend or even fiance, but the man I stood in front of friends, family and God for goodness sake pledging my love, loyalty and committment too. This seperation is just... wrong. On every possible level.

I miss him already. I spent all day and night yesterday crying. Knowing the hurting that I was going to experience today. Knowing the hurting he was going to experience today. We are just no good without each other. One thing he did say, which I agree with, is that we own each others hearts and nothing, not even distance can take that away or seperate us emotionally. I have already spoken to him and we will see each other via web cam later, but how I wish I could touch him right now.

And Mr H... I worry about him. I worry about how he will get through each day of this. I worry that I am his wife and I am supposed to take care of him, and I am not there to do it. I try so hard. I try to call, text, write, send cards... I try to be there with him as much as I can. Is it nearly enough though? He does the same for me and I am grateful... but nothing compares to kissing hello, holding each other and even just eating dinner and watching TV together. :-(

This morning my routine went right back to before the wedding. It was horrible. I feel just plain horrible right now. I miss my husband so much... BUT, I am at work and cannot indulge myself into tears. Is that a good thing? Distraction?

I am going to see him next month but it never feels close enough. We are going to work on Immigration then as well, but that doesn't even feel close enough. I have to say that I don't care about anything right now expect making it possible for us to be together permanently, and never have to seperate again. I don't care about the money. I don't care about this job. I don't care about anything right now. I am so fucking sad.

Forgive me for rambling... I needed to vent. Thanks for listening.

8 comments

# Amber [Member] Email on 10/13/10 at 23:16
I wish I could make you less sad. I'm so happy for you. The last time I was here you were so excited and anxious for the wedding to arrive. Just think about the waiting to get to this point, the frustration of that time, and now, you're his WIFE. Think about how amazing it will feel to look back someday and be his wife and LIVING together. This current time will be a mere dream in the past, and the future holds so much more than the past ever could. :)
# Mrs H [Member] Email on 11/03/10 at 18:32
I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to respond! I changed my email address and forgot to have my blog site email forwarded! Thank you so much for not only commenting on my post but for caring and actually reading them! I love the last line... "this current time will be a mere dream in the past, and the future holds so much more than the past ever could." It's absolutely lovely, true and very wise! Thank you!! I wish I could have seen it after I wrote that post. I am feeling better now, mostly because this time next week I will be on my way to see my sweet husband. :-) I am unbelievably happy that this phenomenal man came into my life, trust me. Thanks again, Amber. It means the world to me that you care.
# drowning not waving [Member] Email on 11/22/10 at 05:28
Hi Mrs H, how are you doing?
I must confess I haven't read all of your blogs yet. I've only been on here for a couple of weeks but I have been touched by the number of supportive comments you have posted for other people and their blogs.
My latest blog has had 22 views but not one comment.
I feel like I know you so well even though I haven't read all that you've had to say...you are one caring lady.
Good on you..
Drowning not waving. xx

# Mrs H [Member] Email on 11/22/10 at 08:40
Hi Drowning! How nice and lovely of you to notice that. I appreciate it more than you know. I do try to read as many blogs as possible, but with my job and just life in general it's not always so easy. I'm glad you feel like you know me - I have read some of yours as well, and will continue to do so. You're quite caring as well! This is such a wonderful community here... I'm so glad people like us are able to connect with each other through it.

How am I? Well... right now my husband is sitting a foot away from me as I came here to celebrate a birthday with him. I am leaving tomorrow, so we're both rather sad at the moment. Luckily, we will be back together in just a couple of weeks, hopefully, and be able to spend Christmas, New Year's and his birthday together. Loving someone like this, the way I am in love with my husband is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's a feeling that I cannot possibly begin to explain, but only that I wish for every good person in the world to feel. It's the current distance that is so difficult. The distance feels like our hearts are being ripped out each time we are forced to say good-bye. I will simply be looking forward to being with him again and celebrating our first Holidays together as man and wife.

How are you?
# drowning not waving [Member] Email on 11/25/10 at 22:47
Hi Amy,
Thanks for the above comment...I have just written a reply to your "An exercise in free writing".
I did read the above from you the other day and then promptly forgot to write back...naughty of me, I'm sorry.
You are so blessed to have found the love of your life...as you say, every good person deserves to find that one special person and fall head over heels in love with them....good on you.
I'm sorry it is sooo painful for you both to be apart, can he get a green card now that your married?
Please don't put your family and friends needs before your own. YOU are the most important person in your life and your happiness is first and foremost.
Then Mr H, then your family and friends. Do what makes YOU happy.
I thought I found that special someone a few years ago...he was the nicest man...we had so much fun together but like me, he too had self-esteem issues and didn't feel capable of supporting me emotionally. He'd say.."Don't lean on me Nik, I'll fall over! Go and talk to your girlfriends"
I wasn't in love with him as he was me, but then, I have never been in love with anyone, that takes trust doesn't it!?
I am my own worst enemy and do not look forward to the rest of my life alone, protecting my feelings, but alone. I must lighten up, take a risk, take a chance, it might just pay off!
No doubt you're home again and feeling so sad, it's now 26th Nov....
I look forward to hearing back Amy,
Nik xx
# Mrs H [Member] Email on 11/30/10 at 19:08
Hi Nik,

Sorry for the delay. I've been on a vacation and adjusting back to work has been busy busy busy!

I do feel lucky to have found my Mr H, but believe me, it took time. I don't know if I ever had serious trust issues, but I have to tell you, even if I did, Mr H would have broken through it. I don't think our own issues get in the way when we truly find the right person for us. This man you were with obviously was not strong enough to see all of the awesomeness in you because he couldn't see any in himself. He obviously was not the love of your life or you would still be with him. Your love is out there... just don't be afraid to let him enter your mind and your soul. Build a friendship first. Start with that type of trust. The rest will absolutely follow. That's how me and Mr H began. A very deep and flirty friendship before we just fell in love with each other. It will happen.

And risks? Do they pay off? Without a doubt! And if the risk ends up not resulting in what you wanted, you either learned something from it, or the result you weren't expecting turned out to be exactly what you needed. :)

Good luck, Nik.
# drowning not waving [Member] Email on 12/02/10 at 01:27
Hi Amy,
When I read your very first blog some weeks ago now, I remember thinking, this woman is so very wise. I had a picture of you in my head and for some reason I imagined you to be retired, like, over 60...(the Mrs H name made me think this for some reason).
How wrong I was.
So, I have now decided that you must be an old soul..:)..or a quick study, or both!
Thankyou for your latest words, you bring me hope.
All for now,
Nik.
# Mrs H [Member] Email on 12/02/10 at 14:51
Hey Nik!

Wow! Over 60, huh? I take it as a compliment though. :) Thanks. I am very glad I give you hope, Nik, because there is so much hope out there for all of us. Please understand that it was not long ago that I felt hopeless for a better life. A life that I could share with someone who loved me as I loved them. Someone who did not take advantage of my natural kind but weak nature. You will find it too, Nik. Just try so hard to open your heart as soon as you can. You obviously have a lot of love to give. Don't be afraid to give it. That's the best advice I can offer you. :)

Amy

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