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Mrs H
02/11/11

Pretending

Life is pretending.

Pretending at work that I am ok when I am not. Not at all.

Pretending that a horrible person, if you could call him that, has not destroyed my life.

Pretending that my insides are not being eaten away every moment.

Pretending that prayer actually works.

Pretending that I am strong.

Pretending that I did not fuck up so badlythat my life is not in turmoil.

Pretending that I can hide my feelings.

Pretending that I am not shaking and almost crying at every second.

Pretending that anxiety does not control me.

Pretending that I am a decent person worthy of the love of the love of my life.

Pretending that I am not a pushover sap.

Pretending that I can survive anything.

Pretending that I am not in prison.

Pretending that I am enough.

Pretending that all I do is enough.

Pretending... Pretending... Pretending...

The pain is so bad right now I don't know what to do.

The fear is pressing up against my body. It is enclosing me like I am in a jail cell.

The fear is so close right now that I don't know how to escape it.

Pretending that fear does not control me.

I love you...

 

2 comments

# drowning not waving [Member] Email on 02/16/11 at 21:48
Hi Amy,
I've come on here now for the first time since before Christmas.
Checking to see if Mrs H has posted anything is the first thing I do...:)
And sure enough....
I'm sorry you are still struggling so much.
Sometimes I think we just have to keep on pretending until we even fool ourselves....sort of like, we are what we believe we are.
I think of you often am am sad to read that you are in pain like this.
Please hang in there...
Fond regards,
Nikki (drowning not waving).
# Mrs H [Member] Email on 02/17/11 at 17:08
Hey Nicki,

Thanks for writing to me and thanks for checking my blogs. I do appreciate that. The pain I feel right now is unreal... That is the truth. I wish I could tell you different but it seems that everything is so fucked up right now. Everything I do and say is wrong. My husband, my co-workers... I just feel so out of place right now. Like I don't belong anywhere because I am such a total fuck-up. I hope to God it passes. I miss... I just miss...

I hope you are well... I am sorry that I cannot offer more right now. My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. I'm surprised I'm writing this much, really. I did not want you to think that I don't appreciate your feedback though. Thanks so much.

Me

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