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In response to: Pretending

Mrs H [Member]
Hey Nicki,

Thanks for writing to me and thanks for checking my blogs. I do appreciate that. The pain I feel right now is unreal... That is the truth. I wish I could tell you different but it seems that everything is so fucked up right now. Everything I do and say is wrong. My husband, my co-workers... I just feel so out of place right now. Like I don't belong anywhere because I am such a total fuck-up. I hope to God it passes. I miss... I just miss...

I hope you are well... I am sorry that I cannot offer more right now. My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. I'm surprised I'm writing this much, really. I did not want you to think that I don't appreciate your feedback though. Thanks so much.

Me
PermalinkPermalink 02/17/11 @ 17:08

In response to: Pretending

drowning not waving [Member]
Hi Amy,
I've come on here now for the first time since before Christmas.
Checking to see if Mrs H has posted anything is the first thing I do...:)
And sure enough....
I'm sorry you are still struggling so much.
Sometimes I think we just have to keep on pretending until we even fool ourselves....sort of like, we are what we believe we are.
I think of you often am am sad to read that you are in pain like this.
Please hang in there...
Fond regards,
Nikki (drowning not waving).
PermalinkPermalink 02/16/11 @ 21:48

In response to: Feeling Broken

Mrs H [Member]
Hey Nik!

Wow! Over 60, huh? I take it as a compliment though. :) Thanks. I am very glad I give you hope, Nik, because there is so much hope out there for all of us. Please understand that it was not long ago that I felt hopeless for a better life. A life that I could share with someone who loved me as I loved them. Someone who did not take advantage of my natural kind but weak nature. You will find it too, Nik. Just try so hard to open your heart as soon as you can. You obviously have a lot of love to give. Don't be afraid to give it. That's the best advice I can offer you. :)

Amy
PermalinkPermalink 12/02/10 @ 14:51

In response to: Feeling Broken

drowning not waving [Member]
Hi Amy,
When I read your very first blog some weeks ago now, I remember thinking, this woman is so very wise. I had a picture of you in my head and for some reason I imagined you to be retired, like, over 60...(the Mrs H name made me think this for some reason).
How wrong I was.
So, I have now decided that you must be an old soul..:)..or a quick study, or both!
Thankyou for your latest words, you bring me hope.
All for now,
Nik.
PermalinkPermalink 12/02/10 @ 01:27

In response to: An Experiment in Free Writing

Mrs H [Member]
Hey Nik,

Hello again! I do live in America... east coast. :) You're from down under are you? A friend of a friend of mine moved there to be with her Australian born husband and came back for my friend's wedding with an Australian accent! It was shocking to say the least. It is a rather cool accent though. :)

I also am guilty of putting undue pressure on myself, believe me. I am good at my career because of the perfectionist in me, but it sure does do a number on my generalized anxiety disorder! Stomach pain, obsessive thoughts... ugh. I've been dealing with obsessive thoughts all day today and it's been exhausting. Did I mention that I have OCD? Oh yes. Just another quirk that my husband is incredible about! :)

You are very hard on yourself, Nik. I don't understand that. You seem very cool. Have you ever checked out the chat room connected to this site? It's wonderful if you have not. There is no potentially dangerous content for your computer on it, so just click, "run" when the Java window pops up a second time. Trust me if you haven't been there. You'll love it and the people will love you and benefit from you as well.

Let me know if you check it out!

Amy

PS and yes, please do call me Amy. :)
PermalinkPermalink 11/30/10 @ 19:13

In response to: Feeling Broken

Mrs H [Member]
Hi Nik,

Sorry for the delay. I've been on a vacation and adjusting back to work has been busy busy busy!

I do feel lucky to have found my Mr H, but believe me, it took time. I don't know if I ever had serious trust issues, but I have to tell you, even if I did, Mr H would have broken through it. I don't think our own issues get in the way when we truly find the right person for us. This man you were with obviously was not strong enough to see all of the awesomeness in you because he couldn't see any in himself. He obviously was not the love of your life or you would still be with him. Your love is out there... just don't be afraid to let him enter your mind and your soul. Build a friendship first. Start with that type of trust. The rest will absolutely follow. That's how me and Mr H began. A very deep and flirty friendship before we just fell in love with each other. It will happen.

And risks? Do they pay off? Without a doubt! And if the risk ends up not resulting in what you wanted, you either learned something from it, or the result you weren't expecting turned out to be exactly what you needed. :)

Good luck, Nik.
PermalinkPermalink 11/30/10 @ 19:08

In response to: Feeling Broken

drowning not waving [Member]
Hi Amy,
Thanks for the above comment...I have just written a reply to your "An exercise in free writing".
I did read the above from you the other day and then promptly forgot to write back...naughty of me, I'm sorry.
You are so blessed to have found the love of your life...as you say, every good person deserves to find that one special person and fall head over heels in love with them....good on you.
I'm sorry it is sooo painful for you both to be apart, can he get a green card now that your married?
Please don't put your family and friends needs before your own. YOU are the most important person in your life and your happiness is first and foremost.
Then Mr H, then your family and friends. Do what makes YOU happy.
I thought I found that special someone a few years ago...he was the nicest man...we had so much fun together but like me, he too had self-esteem issues and didn't feel capable of supporting me emotionally. He'd say.."Don't lean on me Nik, I'll fall over! Go and talk to your girlfriends"
I wasn't in love with him as he was me, but then, I have never been in love with anyone, that takes trust doesn't it!?
I am my own worst enemy and do not look forward to the rest of my life alone, protecting my feelings, but alone. I must lighten up, take a risk, take a chance, it might just pay off!
No doubt you're home again and feeling so sad, it's now 26th Nov....
I look forward to hearing back Amy,
Nik xx
PermalinkPermalink 11/25/10 @ 22:47

In response to: An Experiment in Free Writing

Mrs H [Member]
Hi drowning,

Thanks for reading my words! I can actually understand quite well your desire to control everything for fear of it not being done correctly or at all. I believe this comes from a desire for perfection that people like us have. With the help of my sweet husband, I am continually learning that perfection does not exist, therefore, I should stop thriving for it. Trust me when I say that there are plenty of times that I fall into the, "I must control all," frame of mind, but I definitely recognize it more easily now and try my hardest to control my need to control. It is a daily battle for me, however.

I am also aware that I have two speeds in me... "full throttle," as you put it, and "lazy ass," as I put it! I am either going full speed ahead or doing nothing. I type fast or not at all. I walk fast or not at all, etc.

As for your self-esteem issues... have you sought any professional therapy? Talked to a good friend about it? I can appreciate self-esteem issues and am at a loss as to how to improve yours, drowning. What have you tried if anything?

You be kind to yourself too. :)
PermalinkPermalink 11/25/10 @ 19:08

In response to: An Experiment in Free Writing

drowning not waving [Member]
Hi Mrs H.
This is the third time I have tried to reply to this post, every time I do, I lose the page.
So, to be short and sweet, I too had a tough father who made me feel worthless and never good enough.
I put enormous pressure on myself as a child all in an effort to get his approval, just a "Well done" once, was all I was after. It never happened.
He only acknowledged me to discipline me...
Now, as a result, he is the harsh critic in my head, the not good enough, not worthy, fear driven anxiety and panic that never goes away.
The control issues I have are anxiety and fear driven too.....they stem from the fear of relinquishing it to someone else and trusting that they will do it (whatever it is) as well as I can or want them to.
To this day I cannot comfort myself, calm myself down or nurture that little girl inside me because I feel unworthy.
I am 44, still single and in such tight control of everything I do and say that I am exhausted.
All my energy is often gone because I am functioning on full throttle.
So, my therapy for me is to try to relax, listen to the things around me, even if just the birds...to focus on what I'm looking at and try to think nothing, to focus on the space between the thoughts.
Easier said than done.
I am just about to throw this laptop through the window, it has a mind of it's own and if I cannot post this to you I'll scream!!
I hope this might have been some help to you.
There is definately a link between you now and your father's treatment of you as a child.
Be kind to yourself girl..
All for now,
Drowning not waving xx
PermalinkPermalink 11/25/10 @ 00:49

In response to: Feeling Broken

Mrs H [Member]
Hi Drowning! How nice and lovely of you to notice that. I appreciate it more than you know. I do try to read as many blogs as possible, but with my job and just life in general it's not always so easy. I'm glad you feel like you know me - I have read some of yours as well, and will continue to do so. You're quite caring as well! This is such a wonderful community here... I'm so glad people like us are able to connect with each other through it.

How am I? Well... right now my husband is sitting a foot away from me as I came here to celebrate a birthday with him. I am leaving tomorrow, so we're both rather sad at the moment. Luckily, we will be back together in just a couple of weeks, hopefully, and be able to spend Christmas, New Year's and his birthday together. Loving someone like this, the way I am in love with my husband is the most wonderful feeling in the world. It's a feeling that I cannot possibly begin to explain, but only that I wish for every good person in the world to feel. It's the current distance that is so difficult. The distance feels like our hearts are being ripped out each time we are forced to say good-bye. I will simply be looking forward to being with him again and celebrating our first Holidays together as man and wife.

How are you?
PermalinkPermalink 11/22/10 @ 08:40

In response to: Feeling Broken

drowning not waving [Member]
Hi Mrs H, how are you doing?
I must confess I haven't read all of your blogs yet. I've only been on here for a couple of weeks but I have been touched by the number of supportive comments you have posted for other people and their blogs.
My latest blog has had 22 views but not one comment.
I feel like I know you so well even though I haven't read all that you've had to say...you are one caring lady.
Good on you..
Drowning not waving. xx

PermalinkPermalink 11/22/10 @ 05:28

In response to: Feeling Broken

Mrs H [Member]
I'm so sorry that it's taken me this long to respond! I changed my email address and forgot to have my blog site email forwarded! Thank you so much for not only commenting on my post but for caring and actually reading them! I love the last line... "this current time will be a mere dream in the past, and the future holds so much more than the past ever could." It's absolutely lovely, true and very wise! Thank you!! I wish I could have seen it after I wrote that post. I am feeling better now, mostly because this time next week I will be on my way to see my sweet husband. :-) I am unbelievably happy that this phenomenal man came into my life, trust me. Thanks again, Amber. It means the world to me that you care.
PermalinkPermalink 11/03/10 @ 18:32

In response to: Feeling Broken

Amber [Member]
I wish I could make you less sad. I'm so happy for you. The last time I was here you were so excited and anxious for the wedding to arrive. Just think about the waiting to get to this point, the frustration of that time, and now, you're his WIFE. Think about how amazing it will feel to look back someday and be his wife and LIVING together. This current time will be a mere dream in the past, and the future holds so much more than the past ever could. :)
PermalinkPermalink 10/13/10 @ 23:16

In response to: Is it Wrong to Hate?

Mrs H [Member]
Hi - I do so welcome the feedback! And I know you are right. Hating only weakens me. :-( I am trying to move on. It's just so difficult when this PRICK did what he did and has seemingly gotten away with it! Even though I sued him and won, I highly doubt I will see one penny of the money, and he will always find some woman stupid enough to take care of him. Ugh. BUT -

You are quite correct that I should be focusing on my new future with the greatest man in the world for me. A good, decent, kind and hard-working man who would never use me that way. I do feel lucky... thanks again and welcome!!!
PermalinkPermalink 08/16/10 @ 19:01

In response to: Is it Wrong to Hate?

looking4peace [Member]
It sounds like you have a lot going for you now. You are getting married starting a new life. The more you hold onto the past the more it will weigh you down. The damage has been done. You can't and shouldn't beat yourself up about it any longer. It is wrong to hate, I believe...I dislike a whole bunch of things but I try not to hate them. By you hating and putting so much negative towards him, makes you him. Like you said..."let go" you will wake up one morning and laugh about it, well maybe snicker....congrats on your upcoming wedding.
PermalinkPermalink 08/16/10 @ 18:03

In response to: Everything Passes

Mrs H [Member]
Thanks, anne-penelope! I appreciate the kind words. :-)
PermalinkPermalink 05/27/10 @ 18:45

In response to: Everything Passes

anne-peneloppe [Member]
Dear MrsH, I'm glad you feel better today, yes , everything passes....All bad things come to an end eventually.
PermalinkPermalink 05/27/10 @ 18:02

In response to: Even with Anxiety You Need Life Goals!

Mrs H [Member]
Ah, thanks Delilah! I could say the same about you regarding friendship... And there are definitely worse things than being addicted to chocolate - I'd rather be a choco-addict than the danm smoking!!! Thanks again for replying. :-)
PermalinkPermalink 04/22/10 @ 19:47

In response to: Routine

Mrs H [Member]
Congrats on the dog!!! Pets are fantastic at giving us a reason to get up in the morning, huh? Dakota has gotten me through quite a lot. :-) Thanks for commenting... I can always count on you!
PermalinkPermalink 04/22/10 @ 19:46

In response to: Even with Anxiety You Need Life Goals!

delilah [Member]
That's a good list! Don't forget to break each goal into smaller manageable goals. I certainly think you've already achieved the "be a good friend" you are always there for me when I need encouragement.

On my list I've finished my presentations and have revision planned for Friday. Not started the healthy eating one yet, I'm still addicted to chocolate! Never mind, there are worse things.

Keep up the good work Mrs H.
D
PermalinkPermalink 04/22/10 @ 00:48
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