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I remember being in college and taking about 20 writing  classes, from Creative Writing to Journalism. In all of these classes we spent time, "Free Writing," in journals. Since this blog is my journal, I am going to give it a try. Please forgive spelling and grammar errors, as i will just be writing until I stop.

I learned something on the internet today about control. I've always known I had the weakness of being controlling about most things, but I never really bothered to learn why. Why do I always need to be the one to make things happen? And why, when I have no control, do I get angry, frustrated and sometimes upset to the point of crying? These articles I read this morning definitely helped me understand better.

The articles explained that for a person that is controlling, particulary a woman who is controlling, it is about fear. It is because the woman feels that unless she is controlling a situation, the situation will fall apart and hurt her. That is the root of the control issue. And then, when control is taken, anger and frustration take it's place. These emotions are also about fear, according to the article.

When I read that, I saw a light bulb go off in my brain. Such as with my bachelorette party, I felt the NEED to get involved because I was so afraid that if I did not, people I cared for would be left out UNINTENTIONALLY. I was also afraid that if I did not mention it, people would not care enough about me to show up. So I got involved. Then I got yelled at for getting involved. I did not realize that by getting involved, I was basically saying to my sister and cousin that I did not trust them. It wasn't that. It really wasn't. It was my FEAR making me obsess about it. I fear that I am not liked enough for people to show up for me. That's the truth.

I want to stop being like this. I want to stop my fears from coming out in control, anger and frustration. I am afraid my dog won't listen to me, so I yell at her and lose my patience. Sometimes I'm afraid that Mr H will change his mind about me so my fear forces me to try and take care of everything so he does not have to worry about anything. This way he sees me as the person in his life who gets things done so he does not have to concern myself with any of it.

The result of all this control? Pushing people away and hurting them. Guilt overtaking me for hurting the people I care the most about. Hurting the ones I love the most. I can't say how much I don't want to do that.

Mr H and the dog are my family. I love them both so very much - but then why don't I trust them not to hurt me? I feel like consciously I do trust Mr H. I trust him with all of my heart and soul, but it seems that my subconscious is telling that unless I take control of a situation, the outcome will hurt me in the end. Not on purpose. I know Mr H would never hurt me on purpose... so what the FUCK is the deal then?

I want so desperately to surrender all of my fear, control and anger. I was to surrender myself completely to Mr H. It's funny though. All of this time I thought I was. I love him so much that I honestly thought that I could not give more of myself to him than I already had. But I can.

I am going to go back to therapy with a psychologist to help me. I cannot lose my Mr H, nor do I want him to stay with me and marry me because he feels obligated or because of my tears. I want Mr H to marry me because he truly wants to. Because he KNOWS that we are soul mates and best friends.

I found a therapist named Dr. B that I am anxious to begin with. I want her and Mr H to help me understand why I am so scared all the time. Was it my early adolescence? My father, who is a wonderful man now, was a verbally abusive alcoholic from the time I was about 10 until I was 14. Does this root of my problem come from him? Is it because I had no control?  Is it because my dad told me that I looked like a slut and that I was no good? Is it because of the times that dad locked me out of the house when the dishes weren't done properly? In the winter? In shorts? Please don't misunderstand me. I have forgiven my father years ago. But even through forgiveness do the scars remain? Was I so out of control for four years that I have now spent the last 20 years looking to make sure I am never hurt like that again? But Mr H would never hurt me like that! I am so confused.

Then I thought... was it the bullying I received when I was 11-13? I was verbally bullied to the point that I would run home from school and cry alone in my room every day. I never defended myself either. I listened to the horrible things they said and watched the other children laugh at me. Sometimes I even laughed even though I was hurting so badly. Is that a loss of control? Could it be that? Could it be both? I just don't know.

All I do know is that I PRAYING for help with this. I am hoping that Mr H and the psychologist can help me too. I am reaching out for help, and I think that's a good thing. I've looked up control and anger management, and I will be utilizing the anger management techniques. I will go to the doctor and ask her to please help me with my impatience, control and anger issues. I want to be a better person. For everyone in my life - especially for the love of my life... Mr H.

My anxiety is at an all-time high right now. I am hurting the people I love the most. The guilt of that is ripping me up inside. Should I take my half a Xanax that I brought to work? What should I do?

Is the first step in fixing something admitting it? Yes, I think it is... Because then, as soon as it's admitted, the problem can be addressed and solved. I am determined to solve this problem. I want to be a good wife and mother. More than anything in this world. I never ever want to hurt or disappoint Mr H. I don't want to yell at the dog. I just want to be happy. And I have realized something. Since I let go of any part of the bachelorette party, I've been much more relaxed about it. Nothing is up to me. OH. MY. GOD. It is self-inflicted stress I put on myself. There is no need.

I remember when i had my nervous breakdown. I was a person I did not recognize and I wanted it to change but did not know how. I was in breakdown/anxiety/depression mode for six months. Then I went to therapy. I cannot tell you how quickly the therapy worked to get me going. I started workign with children, and magic happened. I need that magic again. I need to understand. I need to be a patient, loving and kind wife to the love of my life. I need to be a better person in general. I need to be happy so I can help the people I care for the most happy too.

 

How do you forgive and let go? I used to be the type of person who would NEVER have posted that, "I Still Like Me," blog. The thought of hurting anyone on purpose has always been beyond me. I've always been more comfortable writing my thoughts out... but I have to admit that I kind of assumed one of those women was going to read it. At the time, I genuinely HOPED that she would. Although what was written were my true feelings, I still feel badly that she probably read it and was more than likely hurt by it. Even though she's hurt me a number of times, I have to try and remember who I really am. A person who does not hurt anyone on purpose. The truth is? I'm disappointed and proud of myself at the same time. Proud that I was finally able to defend myself after all this time, but disappointed that someone, even someone who hates me so much was possibly hurt by MY actions. I am sorry if my words hurt this person. It was very wrong of me.

Part of my anxiety problem is obsession. Something gets planted in my head. I begin to become part of it. Then, without realizing it, I begin to get full-on obsessed with it. I have a great deal of trouble letting things go. Doctor says that is is, in fact, part of my GAD.

Also, I have always had trouble deciphering between defending myself and just being a total bitch. Or... is it that people are so used to me NOT defending myself that when I do they cannot beleive it and automatically tag me as, "bitch?" So confusing.

How do I stop the obsessions? Not just with the two women mentioned previously not liking me, because, frankly, I don't like them either I've decided, but with EVERYTHING.

As has been pointed out to me, my anxiety causes my obsessions, but why have my obsessions been so negative lately? Why have I become obsessed with not liking certain people and just assuming that everyone is out to get me and no one really likes me or will be there for me?

I have thought a lot about this, and have decided that I am going to try my best to control my obsessions and keep them POSITIVE. Nothing wrong with obsessing with the positive, right? Well... I understand any obsession is not a fantastic way to live, but since it is, in fact, part of my illness, which is part of my life, then I must accept it. I must also try to keep things on a positive tip. I have always been a positive person. What happened? When did everything go South? Has it just been that I've been pushed to the point of lashing out? Am I just missing Mr H? Am I nervous that the wedding won't go as we planned?  What's wrong with me?

I understand that we all have a dark side and no one is perfect, but I really want the positive girl I used to be back. And starting at this moment, I will be fighting like hell to get her back. For me. For my friends and family. For my enemies. And especially for Mr H.

Thanks for listening.

I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching lately. There are two people somewhat in my life who do not like me. One of them does not like me simply because I exist. The other does not because I don't allow her to bully me as she does so many others.

It made me think... is it me? I have been happy with the person that I have become in the last four years, but these people treating me like I was less than human made me really stop, think, and take stock in the woman that I am.

The first one, Christ... she doesn't even know me.  She has decided that I am, in fact, the devil, and has proceeded to take every opportunity to make me look bad, ignore me, and be BLATENTLY and RUDELY obvious in her distaste for me. Screw her. She has hurt my feelings for the last time. She has taken up even a fraction of my thinking for the last time. I'M FUCKING DONE WITH HER. About two years ago I committed a very very MINOR infraction upon her, and she has taken that and decided that I was no good-even after I not only apologized to the bitch, but tried to make amends as well, as we have a mutual friend whom I did not wish to put in the middle of this nonsense.  Now? She can rot as far as I'm concerned.

R -O -T in her own self-inflicted misery.

The other one is that bitchy co-worker of mine. I have learned that she is extremely judgemental about everyone. If you do not do things the way she advises you or thinks you should, she's just plain mean. I do things my own way, thank you. I take advice, process it, and make my own decisions. NOT HERS.  Let me tell you... this bitch knows if someone moved a danm pen on her desk and wants to know who it was! The girl is just viscious. I've talked to others in the office about it, and it seems to be the general consensus. I even hear the way she talks to her clients. Wow. She expects respect but rarely gives it in return. I'm done with her too. I will work with her and be cordial, but nothing else. I had to invite her to the wedding because she is in my unit, but honestly? I'd rather she didn't even show up.

These two women are obviously either unhappy with their lives or just hateful people. I'm not really sure which. I have felt sympathy for both of them in the past, but now? I just don't care at all anymore. You can only be stepped on so many times before you lose your ability to give a shit. I now officially DO NOT GIVE A SHIT.

So the point? Although I have plenty of faults and things about myself that I would change, and will continue working to change throughout my whole life, I still like who I am. Yes, I am inpatient. Yes, I am blunt. Yes, my sense of humor can be warped sometimes. Yes, I talk too much. Yes, I have a BIIIIIIIIG mouth sometimes. Yes, I make mistakes. Yes, I get frustrated with my family and our dog. Yes, sometimes I say the wrong things at the wrong time. But... I also know that I am human. And that is what being human is.

I have spent the last few days really hating myself and wondering how I can change myself. I'm done with that. As I stated, I will always try to alter the behaviors that I recognize as liabilities, but I will still love the ones that I see as assets. Besides... there's only two people who openly don't like me, and lots more that do! Especially Mr H... he really loves me as deeply and passionately as I love him. He's always on my side. He always shows me how much he loves me.  It's such a wonderful feeling after years of emotional abuse and lonliness. I will love him for the rest of our lives together...and there will be plenty!

Life... love... children... friendship... and phenominal sex!!! The future for Mr and Mrs H.  :D

 

So, I seem to be making some headway in my life. Although my anxiety is still there, controlling it seems much easier now. Not a simple feat by any stretch of the imagination, but deep breathing and talking to Mr H about it seems to help A LOT. :-)

As for work, that seems to be going better too. I did something mean to my co-workers because the previous month they had hurt my feelings. I felt guilty about it. I wrote them an apology, and they all seemed to accept it - even Mrs. Unpleasant. She, in fact, wrote me an email back talking about moving on. That was pretty good.

Also, I got into work this morning to a gift! One of the supervisors here, not mine, but one of them left me a beautiful mirror and a card, telling me that I am appreciated for the work I do here. That was a lovely thought and the mirror really is nice. She even made it purple because she remembered that it was one of the wedding colors. The card and gift gave me a nice warm feeling, actually.

As for the wedding, things are progressing! Everything but the honeymoon is set, and I'm beginning to calm down a bit about the whole thing. I have to admit that I was STRESSING big time, but now that the rehearsal dinner is set as well, things are calming down for me. Now, I just need my fiance in town! He is coming the first week in August and staying until the end of  September (hopefully) and I can't wait! I miss him so much. I miss the everyday things, ya know?

So... the wedding is going to be so lovely. The place is set. The rehearsal space and dinner is set. The invitations are ready to go out. The cake topper bought, the bubbles bought, the champagne flutes, the cake cutter, the rose petals and confetti... all bought! The pillow for the ring bearer is there, and all of the gifts we are giving those participating are bought as well. The ceremony is mapped out, the unity candle has been purchased - we are well on our way!

Things left to do... finish my special art project gifts for everyone; finish putting the favors together; order the candy for the favors; table seating for the wedding; writing out the place cards; book the honeymoon; mail the invites; wrap the gifts for everyone; make locket-size photos for the mothers' gifts... anything else? I'm sure but with Mr H here we will face it all together. :-)

I'm so thrilled to be marrying the love of my life. See? 34 is AMAZINGLY better than 24!!! Remember that all of you 20-somethings... thanks for reading.

I know I'm probably somewhat still feeling sorry for myself because Mr H is gone until August, but I just feel so out of place everywhere lately.

First there is work. I do not fit in with my unit at all. Even the only real friend I had in my unit seems to be turning against me somewhat. She questions everything I do and every decision I make. We used to be able to complain together, now she gets defensive and constantly tells me what she thinks I do and say wrong. What happened to our friendly and fun rapport?

The other girl I've mentioned in the past is pretty much the same. I just don't care anymore.

My supervisor, and the other girls, with the exception of the new worker in our unit seem to be part of this little club that I am not a member of. I keep asking myself it it's because I am of a different race than them. I just don't know.

The new girl in the unit is ok, I guess. She's quiet and keeps to herself most of the time, but after enduring three years of a French radio station BLASTING in my ear, the quiet is welcome.

Then there are my friends. My bridal party and family threw a beautiful bridal shower for me in May. Please understand that I was and am grateful and flattered by the amount of thought and work that went into it, and am also grateful for the people who did show, but my mind is a bit consumed with those who did not. The one girl in my unit did not because she was hung over - nice, huh? Another one forgot, and yet another one stated that she received, "something," in the mail, but she did not remember what it was. Unfortunately, the girl in the unit who has always been my friend did not receive her invitation. I do NOT blame her at all. But the others? Am I that forgetable? Am I that inconsequential?

Also, why are my friends letting me down so much lately? My closest friend outside of my family cannot make it to my entire bachelorette party. Myc ousin was supposed to come to my make-up and hair trial but won't be now because there is no one coming for her son to play with. I have to stress that I've gone to EVERYTHING for them. Showers, bachelorette parties, fittings for bridesmaids dresses that were SERIOUSLY far away, weddings, birthdays, births of their children - ALL of it. I just feel like because I am marrying later in life than them, they are just simply too busy for me.

Yes, they give apologies and excuses... but I can't help but think that I don't really matter to them. My feelings don't. Am I just sad? Am I being overly sensitive? Am I just missing Mr H so much that everything that happens feels like a personal attack? Is it hormones because I have my period? I honestly don't know. I just wish I could shake this feeling of disappointment and alienation.

I know I miss my fiance desperately right now, that I know for sure. I know that with him is where I feel the most comfortable, where I fit in the most. That is honestly the only thing I know for sure. Mr H is never too busy to be there for me. Everyone else is. I know they have their own lives, and if Mr H was here with me I would probably be in the same boat. But I just can't help feeling that I have NEVER let these women down when it came to their weddings or their children. Is is selfish for me to feel let down?

I just don't know... thanks for listening.

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