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So, everything passes, I suppose. The woman who was angry at me is no longer. I wrote her an email of apology and she accepted it. :-)  I am quite pleased about that. Our rapport seems to be back on track. I hate having people mad at me. Especially when I did not purposely hurt their feelings.

The girl at work is the same. Our verbal contact is quite limited which suits me just fine. She's just not a person I would choose to have in my life if I had a choice. She keeps taking the teacher's exam, and failing. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that she'll pass it one day soon and be gone. She's just too stressful a person for me to deal with.

I am slowly getting used to Mr H being away from me again. I teared up writing my food shopping list because there were not Mr H items on it, and going to bed and waking up without him is difficult. I also miss him terribly for dinner, cuddling and just plain old conversation and laughs, but I keep telling myself that everything truly does pass, and before I know it, it will be time for him to return to me where he belongs so we can get married.

I have left a full water glass out on the kitchen counter where he left it, and I still have a half empty carton of orange juice in the refrigerator- and I don't drink orange juice. I wonder when I will be able to take care of those??? I love seeing that glass and juice there. I even have his empty deodorant bottle in the bahtroom. It makes me feel like he is still there... just out and I am waiting for him to come home.

Even though I know that good things are coming our way, this stupid waiting game is TORTURE. I want to hold his hand. I want to be in his arms. I want to touch his handsome face. Luckily, with technology, I get to see that handsome face every day, but it is just not the same.

It's also hard because not only do I need him, but he needs me too. We got used to doing things as a team, and when that is gone, even temporarily, it hurts like hell.

One of the million things I miss is walking through the front door after work and seeing him sitting on the sofa working on his lap top, our dog sitting close by. My family at home waiting for me so we can eat dinner and talk. I would walk through the door and he would look up at me with a smile, take his carpal tunnel brace off, rise from the sofa, and give me the biggest warmest hug I could ever ask for. There, with my head comfortably on his chest, hearing his heart beat and feeling the warmth of his skin, I could leave the world of Children's Services behind and melt into my personal life.

But... it will pass. Everything comes in time. People have to wait nine months for the arrival of their child, I can wait two months for the return of Mr H. Although my stomach twists and the emptiness I feel without him consumes me, I am trying to be strong - both for myself and for him. He needs my strength and I am here to give it to him. I love him so much.

 

I haven't written in a month. The reason? I've been happy for a month. My beloved Mr H was here from Europe and we had a beautiful life together while he was here. It was like a preamble to what our married life is going to be like, and having it end yesterday was hard. It seems to get more difficult each time we say good-bye. Shouldn't it get easier? But no. There we were, hugging and telling each other how much we loved one another and would miss one another. There I was, crying my eyes out watching him disappear after he went through security. I do try to put things in perspective. He will be back in a couple of months, and when he returns, it's our wedding! This is a man that will be my life forever, and one day, nothing, not even immigration will be able to stop us. I just miss him so danm much right now. I am in work, but if I was not, I would be writing this through my tears.

He said something that hit home for me. He said that every time we are together we learn more about each other. He said that the more he learns about me, the more he wants to spend his life with me. I feel the same exact way. Is there ever a time when you stop learning new things about someone? If you had asked me a month ago if I knew everything there was to know about Mr H I would have said, "yes," with total confidence. But I spent the last month learning even more! What a pleasure it has been. What an honor. What a fantastic, handsome, humble, sweet, charming, love of my life this man is!

I'm also struggling at work. Apparantly I said something that I did not think was insulting to someone here and she is angry at me. I swear, sometimes this big stupid mouth of mine gets me into trouble. I honestly did not know she would take my comment in the manner she did. I wrote her an e-mail of apology, I hope she accepts it. I like and respect this woman and feel truly sick to my stomach that she is mad at me right now. I know it will pass, but when? I just hope that she forgives me.

Also, there is a woman in my unit who I think, if possible, hates me even more than she used to. This woman is pushy, bossy and often mean. I used to have a real love/hate relationship with her, but it seems that the hate is overwhelming me at the moment. I've tried to figure out what it is about me that she detests so much. Is it my mouth? Is it my work? Is it the color of my skin? I'm not sure.

Mr H says it's because I work faster and produce more than her and she's jealous. Is that possible? Maybe... I mean, she was the only  person in the building who specialized in what me and three others now do for the department, and she did train me. Does it bother her that I no longer need her advice? That I have, perhaps surpassed her?

I am also the only white person in my unit, and she has said somewhat racial things to me in the past. Could that really be it?

She is also super religious and with that comes extreme arrogance in her case. She is homophobic (one of my unit members is a lesbian) and self-righteous. She thinks that her opinions are straight from God and the rest of us are wrong. Could that be it? That I am not a religious person and she resents that?

Or is it me? Am I just utterly unlikeable in a hundred different ways and just rub many people the wrong way? God, I hate doubting myself and who I am. When I tured 30, I really thought I knew exactly who I was and who I wanted to be. I thought I knew limitations and when not to talk. I just find my mouth going and going and going sometimes!

I am remarkably sad today, friends. My love is gone for two months. I've insulted someone I really like. And my co-worker is openly MEAN to me. Self-relfection time, I guess.

Thanks for listening.

Well, Mr. H is here and I could not be happier about it! We have been talking, holding hands, cuddling, and making love and it's been wonderful. We talk. We eat together. We help each other. We are a wonderful team, honestly. He's only been here for a week, but I feel that he never left, and we took off from right where we left off in November and January.

The problem? I don't want him to leave again. I know he has to, but it's so hard. He is there for me when I am shaking with anxiety, and I am there for him when he is down with depression. He allows me to cry and complain to him, and I allow him to winge and carry on to me. It is truly wonderful. :)

I love cooking his dinner, and he loves helping me with the daily grind of life. I love watching him eat what I make him, but he doesn't really enjoy the few pounds he put on since he got here!

He will be leaving back to his home at the end of the month, and although I know we still have a few beautiful weeks together, I could cry right now that he is going again. He is my FIANCE, soon to be my husband. It is natural for us to be together, not apart. And besides that, how will I help him with his depression from so far away? I know we've managed before, but it's never easy, I assure you.

Alas...I can only count the days when he returns for our wedding. But then? He will leave again until the fucking government allows us to live together forever.

Please don't misunderstand me. I would rather have Mr H even through a computer screen than anyone else in the whole world, it's just that  a piece of me is missing when I am not with him. It's hard going months without touching his hand and his head. But? I can always touch his heart, I suppose.

Thanks for listening.

 

As I stated above, even if you are plagued with anxiety and/or depression, Life Goals are important, I think. I just decided to write mine down. So here they are... in no particular order:

1.  Get out of debt

2.  Remind myself every day that I am worthy of loving and being loved

3.  Marry my true love (this one will come true this year!)

4.  Have at least one child, if not two.

5.  Find inner peace

6.  Own a home

7.  Keep myself at a healthy weight

8.  Stop smoking

9.  Remember patience... espcially with our dog

10. Forgive anyone who has ever hurt me.

11. Always appreciate my wonderful Mr H - and let him know my appreciation every day

12. Be a good friend

13. Be a good daughter and daughter-in-law

14. Be a good sister

15. Be a good aunt

16. Be a good wife

17. Be a good mother

18. Be a good person

19. Make everlasting peace with God

20. Accept my own mortality and be OK with it

21. Give people the benefit of the doubt whenever possible

22. Do something to make the world a better place for our children

23. Understand that although my career is exhausting, it is worth it

24. Tell Mr H I love him every moment I can

25. Visit Ireland

26. Be able to live anxiety-free without medication

27. Know that perfection is not possible. That if it seems so, it is an illusion.

28. Accept the things I cannot change

29. Delete the word, "regret," from my vocabulary

30. Accept the people I love for exactly who and what they... warts and all. And to still   love and respect them anyway.

I wonder if I'll think of anymore... hm. I think this is a good start though. Thanks for reading. :)

Mrs H
04/12/10

Routine

Routine. Every morning I get up at the same time, put the kettle on, let the dog out, use the bathroom, pour my coffee, and eat my cereal.  I write an e-mail to Mr. H.

I have a cigarette. I sit and watch 15 minutes of TV while having my coffee.  I make the bed and strategically place dog toys on the floor so that Dakota will not pee on it.

I do the breakfast dishes. I get my clothes together and put them in my bedroom. I turn the shower on. I brush my teeth. I clean my ears. I shower and get dressed.

I put my contacts in and moisturzie my face.

I finish dressing, do my make-up and my hair. I put shoes on. I put perfume on.

I go around pulling up blinds and opening windows depending on the weather. I let the dog in. I fill her water bowl. I take her for a walk.

We follow the same route there and back. I pull her collar off once inside the hallway. I get the same treats out every day. I make her sit. I throw them to her and sneak out the door.

I take the car to the corner, turn left then right then left again, go to the store and buy my coffee. I have a cigarette on the way to work. I park. I come into work.

It was just so easy for me to type that routine out! Is routine good? I know we all get sick of our routines, but they really are necessary evil, aren't they? When you think about it, what happens when your routine gets disturbed? You don't know what the hell to do... at least I don't.

I guess I shall embrace my routine knowing that although it can feel mundane, I'd be totally screwed up if it changed suddenly! I also take the same route to work each day. I remember when my route got detoured! Ugh!!! It not only messed with my head, it made me late for work!

Sometimes my routine gets me down. I feel like there must be more to life than this. I just try to keep in mind that routine is a necessary and important part of life.

 

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