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I've come to an interesting conclusion as of late. I have always been the butt of every joke. I have always been the one it was not only ok to laugh at, but it was expected. It started in my family and just simply branched out to my friendships. I am now 33, turning 34 this month, and it seems to have crept right into my work place.

I'm so sick of people. So sick of everyone right now. So sick of my co-workers. So sick of being yelled at by clients, and laughed at by the people I work with. I know I'm repeating myself, and I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow, but right now, this is how I am feeling.

Everyone is dealing with something. Why is it so hard to beleive that I  could actually be dealing with something too? No one here at this shit job cares. They all think I'm supposed to just laugh along with it all. I'm supposed to just plaster a stupid smile on my face while they make jokes at MY expense.

Am I being overly sensitive? I don't know. Am I just frustrated? Is my patience growing particulary thin because all I want is Mr H here and nothing is going to feel right until I see him walk through customs this month? I DON'T KNOW. The only thing I know for sure is that I feel hurt and upset inside right now.

What is it about me that makes people want to joke at my expense all the time? Am I just an idiot? A fool? My brother once told me that it was my reaction to being laughed at that caused them to keep doing it. Is it that, or is that I just say the stupidest things at the worst times?

I don't know. I want to go home.   :(

Well,  I'm happy to report that with Spring comes Mr. H! He seems to be feeling somewhat better lately, and most importantly, he seems to know ho much I love him, and that I will never ever leave him. :-)  Thanks for all of the advice, my friends. It was all appreciated and taken.

I'm also happy to report that Mr. H is coming to visit me for a whole month! He will be coming mid-April and staying until mid-May. Our hello's are always wonderful, but our good-bye's are always crippling. I hate saying good-bye to him. Except some pretty sad post's after he leaves!

It seems that lately although all is going well, I'm feeling some blues for no reason. I wake up with the fresh air coming through my bedroom window, but that dang bed feels so big without Mr H! Going to sleep is the same way. I keep his photo next to me on the night stand, holding onto the fact that he will be here in just a couple of weeks.

Also, this job can get to a person. The person who sits next to me BLASTS a foreign language radio station, and talks really really LOUDLY on the phone in the same language. I stay at my desk for lunch, and it is often not peaceful thanks to this big mouth and his stupid radio. EVERYONE has asked him to be respectful and turn it down, and although it does go down for a day or two, it's right back up to where it started after that. The latest piece of good news is that he is moving to another seat!!! It should happen next week-please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Anyway... I know a loud radio from a big-mouth co-worker doesn't seem like a big deal, but it truly screws up my day and makes me tense. I cannot wait for this rude son-of-a bitch to move. And the kicker of it all? He's a reverand... WOW.

I've always found that the super-religious people I know are the rudest and nastiest people I come in contact with. Why is that? Superiority complex? A belief that they can do nothing wrong because they are in, "God's favor?"

I'll tell you this... I pray to God all of the time. I believe in him, heaven, angels and hell. I don't think God listens to the more religious folks more than those of us who just try to live a good life, treat people as we want to be treated, and respect others.

Wow. What a rant! Sorry about that folks!!!

As anyone who has read my blog previously knows, I am deeply in love wtih a man that I call Mr. H. He is without a doubt the right person for me. I have never had a second guess as to our compatibility and our ability to live a wonderful life togther. I am so sorry to say that Mr. H is not doing well right now, and I am powerless to help him it seems.

This danm depression has a hold on him so tightly right now, that just about every attempt I've made at getting through to him has failed. He knows I love him, but he is convinced that my love will fade and I will leave him. He is convinced that he is not good enough for me. Not good enough for anyone, really. Not good enough to live the life he desires and deserves.

I constantly tell him how much I love him and need him. I constantly tell him that we are two parts of the same person. I constantly tell him that I will not disappoint, betray or forsake him. I constantly tell him that I cannot wait to be his wife. I know that he believes it deep down inside himself, but this horrible cancer called depression keeps making him doubt it.

This horrible cancer called depression makes him think that he is not good enough. This cancer eats away at his insides, and atlhough I am trying to be the chemotherapy and radiation, I think I am failing in killing those bad cells. Mr. H goes into remission, but it seems to keep rearing it's ugly head.

I can't express the love I have for this man. I would rather lose an arm, my hearing and my eyesight than him. How do I break through? How do I help him to see the extraordinary man that he really is? How do I help him? All I want in this whole world is his happiness.

I am here fighting for him, and I know he appreciates it, but I am afraid that he is going to walk away from me. From US. It's so hard for him to see hope and love when we are so far apart from each other. He is scheduled to visit me in just a few weeks, and I pray every night that he can and will hold on until I can hold him and help him chase the demons away.

I love him so much. I'm not even sure if love is a big enough word. My feelings for him run so deep that I can't even reach them. They are just there inside me. They just ARE. Everything we are is part of each other.

I will never give up on the man I love. I am always going to be in his corner, with the gloves on, fighting this evil bitch with all of my might. Together, I know we can get through anything and everything. I hope he still believes that.

 

Hey You!  Your new skin looks really great, but you can't see the captcha so I can't respond on it! If you want to,  please send me your e-mail address and I'll get to you that way.  I want to share with you, and actually with anyone else who wants to read this.

I was involved in a difficult and loveless relationship for a long time. I used to wonder what it would take for this jerk to love me. You know what I realized? He was not CAPABLE of it. Not only that, but he did not deserve me. Trust me, beautiful - this man that you are focusing on does not deserve you either.

One day, this JERK gave me what I like to call the gift of good-bye. He left me and I could not be luckier that it happened. You deserve someone who will love you, respect you, and be your best friend. Someone who will allow you to be the kick-ass person that you are, and love you even more for it. Don't settle for half a partner, beautiful.

I don't know you, but I have read the things you have said, and I can tell you that you deserve about a million times more than crying yourself to sleep over some guy who doesn't treat you right.

You always talk about how you want your Mr H. You can have him, beautiful. You just have to let go of the ugliness of the past and move on. Be alone for a while. Get to know and love the strong, independent and fantastic woman that YOU are. As soon as I did that, Mr. H came into my life and showed me what it felt like to be loved and cherished. Two years later, he's still doing it.  He also allows me to love him back, and hold onto him as tightly as I want and need to.  Everyone deserves this extraordinary feeling, beautiful. You are no exception, and I truly hope that you get it.

And you're right. Ending things with this man will cause you pain. But aren't you in pain now, my new friend? The difference, however, is, that the pain you are in now will not stop. Once you say goodbye, the pain will actually go away and allow you to move on with your life.

I swear this has been one of the worst months I've had in a very long time. My career requires me to go to court and testify in hearings and trials, and I usually go once or twice every month or two. The month? Six times!! Not only is it a pain in the patootie to get dressed up, but the parking at the court house is crazy expensive. I've spent nearly $60 on parking this month alone. Yes... we get reinbursed, and I'm sure I'll appreciate the money when it comes in, but shelling it out in the first place is troublesome sometimes.

I've also been crazy tired between the, "Spring Ahead," time change, a million meetings and trainings, and my usual monthly visitations with clients. (In case anyone is wondering, I work as a social worker with children and families).

My peace of mind comes knowing that I can come home every night and relax and talk to Mr. H. I'm also so looking forward to his visit in a few weeks that I can hardly contain myself, honestly. Maybe that's part of the stress of this month? I'm not exaclty the most patient person in the world, and I do so wish that he was coming tomorrow instead of in three weeks...

Thanks for listening, all.

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