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Mrs H
03/18/10

Can't Win

Does anyone else ever feel like they just cant' win? I swear that I have spent most of my life being happy for other people, never seeking out attention from anyone, espcially my family. I have always been the butt of every joke in the family, and I have always listened as everyone else talked about their lives, their marriages, their raises, their pregnancies. I rarely said no when I was asked to do something, even if it was inconvenient for me to do. I feel like I always listened, respected and did for those I love.

Finally, I am at the point in my life where there are good things happening for AMY. I have a beautiful fiance, am doing well in my job, and have lost 14 pounds so far. I am proud of myself and actually happy for myself... for the first time in a long time. I feel like I've been through so much shit in my life, including crippling depression and ongoing anxiety, that I'm allowed to focus on myself and be happy for ME right now.

I have to admit that I struggled to become even remotely selfish. I struggled to accept that sometimes a person deserves and needs to put their own needs in front of everyone else's. Yes, I am quite focused on my diet and exercise routine. And yes... I am quite focused on making our wedding a priority. Why am I made to feel guilty now?

My sister had an accident not too long ago. She fell and serverly broke her ankle. The day it happened, I was there with her at the hospital. I've made trips to her apartment and sifted through dirty clothes to bring them over to my parents house where she is staying. I've bought her cigarettes, stayed with her for HOURS when no one else was there. She was there for me when I was down on my luck, and I was trying to do the same. Apparantly, it was not enough.

Yesterday, I accidentally tripped over her broken leg. Please understand how extremely guilty I feel about it, but also that it was 100% accidental. I apologized profusely, and even made another trip to her apartment and went through stinky clothes to bring her exactly what she asked for.

So today, when I dropped off the clothes, we started talking. I apologized again, and my sister decided to tell me that it was not that I tripped over her leg that she was angry about, but the fact that all I do is think about myself lately. That, if I had not been rushing to get home and complete my workout, I never would have fallen. That all I talk about lately is my weight loss and wedding. That although she is happy that I am so happy with Mr. H and that I'm buying new clothes for my new figure, she and everyone else is tired of hearing about it. That she was trying to lose weight before she fell, and now she's stuck in the house, unable to do anything.

Now, of course, she had me thinking. Am I that bad? Do I obsess too much with other people? Did my family get so used to me saying yes to everything that when I'm finally focusing on myself and my own life, they see me as selfish?  Is she the only one who sees me like this, or am I annoying everyone else too?

I don't know. All I know is that I really do try to be a good person, family memeber and friend to people. Are they just not used to me like this? Or did I become a selfish cow now? Boy. I have a lot to think about.

 

Mrs H
03/15/10

Decisions

I find myself both happy and unhappy at the same time. I know I am truly blessed to have found someone to love and who loves me back, and this makes me happy. I am unhappy that we are apart right now. I am lonely without him. Between my high anxiety and his depression, I think it is even harder being apart.

I also find myself at a crossroads. I am so willing to move away to be with him, but scared at the same time. I would love it if he moved to my country with me, but scared for him at the same time. The only thing that is totally clear to both of us, is that we must be together-for life is an empty shell without each other. I cannot wait to marry him live with him forever and always. But where? That question still creeps into my mind. It is a question that we have often talked about but have still not found the answer. One of us will stay safe in familiarity, the other will partake on a great adventure of the unknown. I am willing to go on this trip as long as Mr H is by my side.

He thinks I will be unhappy if I move away to be with him. The question is... will I? I have thought so much about this, and I know I will miss my family and friends. The only thing I know for sure is that the pain of being away from him far outweighs the pain of being away from all of them. I think I can handle seeing my family and friends a couple of times a year, but not being with Mr. H is like a bullet through my heart. I know he needs me there, and I am stuck here. I know that together we can face the world together. I know that if I did move there after we are married, I would be sad and homesick at first, but life would begin to develop around me and we would be happy. His smile makes me happy. Being in his arms makes me happy. Eating, laughing, sleeping and talking together makes me happy. MR H MAKES ME HAPPY. I have a happiness that I have never before known when I am with him. I know that I will make friends if I move there. How do I convince Mr. H that I am not only willing and able to move there to be with him, but there is a part of me that really really wants to? All I can do is keep telling him, I suppose, until he truly believes me. I know that his trepidation is all because he is concerned for my happiness, and I am flattered and honored by that. But he needs to know that I am concerned for his happiness as well.

There are pros and cons to a move either way, which I sometimes think makes it more difficult. If it were totally clear where we should be one way or the other, the answer would be simple, wouldn't it? But since life is never easy, here we are. Both of us willing to move, both of us scared to move. Both of not wanting the other to be unhappy. Is that what love is? Caring more for his happiness than my own and vice versa? I think that is what unselfish love is, anyway.

And I also have to say, when Mr H and I are together, I don't care much for being around other people. I resent anyone taking away from our time together, and greedily want him all to myself. There is a huge part of me that truly believes that living in his country will give us the time we need to love each other without interruption. The time that we have missed due to the distance is owed to us, and I really do think that living in his country will give us that time. We DESERVE that time.

Anyway... that is my thought for the day. I love him more every day, and only want to spend every moment I can with him. I want to live with him and our dog. I want to have children together; create a family together where we can both finally be happy in the life that we both want. Mr H... I will move there with you. I pray that you will believe me and have faith in me. In US. In the strength of US. We are not you and I anymore... we are US. And that is the answer to the most important prayer I've ever had. I love you.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR:


Finding my sweet fiance - Mr. H taught me how to love and be loved without question. I hope to God that he knows how truly grateful I am for having him in my life. I hope to God he knows how much he means to me and that I will be his sunflower forever and beyond.


My Family - Though sometimes disfunctional, my family has always loved and supported me.


My Friends - Although my friendships have become a bit sparse, I am happy with the one's that have stood the test of time and the ones that have come into my life more recently.


Our Dog - Our dog drives me nuts sometimes, but what a miraculous creature she is! She loves unconditionally and only wants a treat, a walk, a stroke and our love.


My Car - It gets me where I need to go!!


My Job - Although utterly stressful sometimes, and undenieably boring at other times, I understand it is a blessing to have a career right now, and even better about it... I get a hand in putting families together.


I have always believed, well, since my nervous breakdown 12 years ago anyway, that everything happens for a reason. That even the worst events in our lives have been pre-determined by God, and that all of the trials we are put through are happening in order for a greater purpose to be served. For instance? I never would have met my fiance if I had not fallen back into my anxiety two years ago. I do not feel like going into details, but trust me... it's a FACT. That particular supposed badness turned into the best thing that has ever happened to me in my life. Shouldn't that be enough for me?

I'm not saying that I don't believe that anymore, because I most certainly do, but it's the time between the bad thing and the reward that I'm having a hard time with I think! I just exist every day, waiting. Waiting for my fiance to visit again. Waiting to pay off my debts. Waiting for the law suit against my good-for-nothing ex to pay out. Waiting for my and Mr. H's wedding day. Waiting until he and I get to live together forever. Waiting, waiting, waiting!

How do you cope with the waiting game? Five days a week I get up when I'm still tired, walk the dog so she can pull me around, come to work and either be bored out of my mind or crazy busy, go home to the one and only highlight of the day, talking to Mr. H, then work out before eating dinner, or just eat dinner on my off-workout days, do dishes, wash my face, put pajamas on, enjoy my only other highlight, saying good night to Mr. H, and go to bed. Excitement - hardly. Lonely for Mr. H? Very much. On the weekends, I do get more sleep, but the lonliness and WAITING are still there.

I guess I just feel sick and tired of waiting for the life I want and know I will have one day to start. I am tired of paying off debt that I did not create. I am tired of taking on responsibilities that should not be mine. I am tired of walking into an empty house every day and going to sleep saying goodnight to Mr. H's photo instead of his live self. Tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop because this stupid anxiety tells me that it always will. TIRED.

I know that I should be grateful, and I am, for many things. I will post my, "grateful list," in my next post. I just felt like venting today.

 

I have been spending the last week or so just trying to keep myself together. I am very afraid that my fiance is back to losing hope and faith in life. Not in us, but in himself. I love him more than I can say, and I hate seeing his heart breaking... for when his breaks, so does mine. We are inside of each other at this point. I just wish I could take a trip into his brain and enstill who he really is inside his mind. He is so smart and talented... he's got so much to offer the world. In truth, he is a brilliant, kind and sensitive man, and anyone who crosses his path is blessed to know him. Why can't he see it? Why can't I help him see it? I would give my life to see him happy. I know he is happy that he and I are together, but he is not truly HAPPY. I want him to know that we will win in this life together. I want him to know that together, we can get through anything and everything. I want him to see himself through my eyes. How do you do that? How do you make someone know how extraordinary and special they really are? How do you help someone find the strength that is bubbling inside of them? He is the best man I know, or have ever known. A gem and a light in my life. He is the man who showed me what it feels like to be loved and to love back. Selflessly and completely.

As for me? The crazy snow here is getting to me. Third storm with over 12 inches so far. God, do I hope it's over now!! Also, work is both difficult, dull and insane all at the same time. My belly is churning with anxiety over it all. I just wish our wedding was tomorrow and I could become his Mrs. H. I want to give him children and a beautiful life. I want us to kiss goodnight each evening and embrace warmly before we sit down to eat dinner together. Just a regular, hum-drum ordinary life. Is that too much to ask for?

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