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I've been so sad and anxious the past week and I'm not sure why. I think it might be because, and I'm sure anyone who has been reading this will know and be sick of hearing, I truly miss my fiance. He made plans to come and see me, but God help me it seems so far away - 8 weeks from now. I keep getting up every day and feeling the lonliness that only he can fill. I go to work, get frustrated, come home and feel the rest of the lonliness overcome me. Although I smile and laugh, there is always a tinge of sadness behind it.

I k eep telling myself to continue pressing forward, that every day that goes by is a day closer to seeing him. I keep telling myself that we will be married this year, and that after that, everything else will be easier. I tell myself a lot of things, but the pain and emptiness I feel inside is very hard to talk to sometimes.

I've blurted all of this out to him and I'm afraid he will think that I no longer want our relationship - which could not be further from the truth. Being with him is worth every moment of pain that we endure now. Knowing that we are going to be able to be together every day is what keeps me going. Sometimes I think it's the only thing that keeps me going. That thought, and seeing him and talking to him every day on Skype. I sincerely cannot wait to become his wife, and I don't ever want him to doubt that for one second. I hope you looked at this sites information I gave you, and I hope you are reading this, honey. I would endure ten years of this if it meant that we would be together in the end. I love you.

Am I just being inpatient? I don't know. All I do know is that I love him and I miss him. I know that I cannot wait to stand before him, all in white, in front of God our families and friends and pledge my life and love to him. I know for sure that he is true love of my life and my best friend in this world. I know that my life is just better with him in it.

Mrs H
02/19/10

I miss him

I have to say that I am filled with desire and wanting right now. I miss my fiance so badly I can hardly breathe sometimes. Most of my life has been one trial after another, but when I am with my betrothed, trials do not exist. I get to lay my head on him, close my eyes, and feel the safety and love he gives me. I truly cannot wait to marry him.

I'm filled with lonliness for him right now. Sometimes my anxiety reaches catastrophic levels, and he is the only one who can talk me down from it. I have realized that he is my gift from God, actually. I'm not saying he is perfect, but he is, quite simply, perfect for me.

I had a bad anxiety day on Thrusday, and even though we are not in the same room, hell, the same continent right now, he sees my anxiety and has me talk about it. He talks me through it until it eases and I can focus on other things. It got me thinking... what in the world did I do for my panic before him?

So, I just wanted to write down that I miss him. More every day. It does not get easier but more difficult to face the days without him by my side. It's getting more difficult to walk into the empty house, when all I want to see is him there. It's getting more difficult cooking for one, when I'd much rather be doing it for two. It's getting more difficult to fall asleep without him beside me. More difficult to wake up alone. Nothing is easier without him here. Not a thing.

For anyone who has thier significant other right there next to them, please think about me next time he or she annoys you. The next time his snoring keeps you up, or she had the TV on too loudly, just be so grateful that you get to crawl in bed with each other that night. Be grateful that he or she is by your side. It's a blessing... cherish it.

Mrs H
02/13/10

Tarot

So I went to a party that I thought was going to be about hiring a make-up artist for our upcoming wedding, and I ended up not only hiring the make-up artist, but a hair stylist, and I also got my tarot cards read!

I have to admit that I was a bit nervous about having my cards read, but it actually turned out to be quite interesting...

Although she saw the pain of my past, it was nice for her to see the, "destiny," cards were all positive. She basically said that although I had a lot of hurt in the past, my, "fortune," was turning, and she saw a lot of happiness in my present and future! YAY!!

She saw my fiance and me. She saw that our love was, "true," full of, "passion," and happiness. She also told me what I already knew... that the sex is PHENOMINAL!!!  ;-)

She did see my father sticking his hands in everything in my life as well. She told me that if we do decide to live in my future husband's country, it will be ugly at first... but then all will be fine.

I have to say that although I was scared to have the cards read, it was something I did to have a little fun and to get into the spirit of the party. She was very kind, and she also listened really well! See, a Tarot reader, unlike a psychic, needs to have a conversation to predict what the cards you draw are really about.

Oh...another good thing. Financially my fiance and I are going to be fine. We will always work hard, but it will always pay off in the end.

I have to say that I am looking forward to beginning a life with my fiance - I absolutely cannot wait! The distance is so difficult, especially days like tomorrow - Valentine's Day - but I carry him in my heart and mind all of the time and try to keep focused on the grand finale!

So... things have been quiet on my dad's front so far, which is very good! I think it's a great idea to let him think that we will definitely be living here, while my fiance and I are quietly making the decision by ourselves, FOR ourselves. The most important thing to me is living with my honey... that will never change. All I want is to make a life with him and start our family together. :-)

Speaking of fiance's... I miss my so desperately!!! We just got over a foot of snow here, which sucks enough, but to be here alone during this just merely reminds me of how much I crave my man... My office was closed today - we could've spent this day together, almost making the inconvenice of snow worth it! As I played with OUR dog and OUR nephew... all I kept thinking was - there is a giant hole in me right now! I was with family, I know. But how could that really be when the most important part of my family was not there?

We will make it through this seperation because I cannot imagine my life without him in it. I cannot imagine my fiance not becoming my husband. I have waited my whole life to find the perfect man for me, and here he is!! Danm the Atlantic Ocean.

And this snow!! Ugh... February. Digging my car out... taking the bus to work so I don't lose my parking spot - SUCKS. Those of you who live in places that don't get snow - appreciate it! It may look pretty on post cards and in movies, but trust me. When your tires spin because you're stuck in it, and your legs are wet and freezing after shoveling it? Not so pretty...

But I have spring to look forward to. I have my fiance coming to visit with me for a while then too!!! I close my eyes every night imagining when we are finally together again. It is what gets me to sleep at night, and what gets me through every day.

I have gone through a lot in my personal life that was not so good, I feel I should mention. I've been used, emotionally abused, stolen from, and royally screwed over. Just when I thought all hope was lost... there he was. Slowly coming into my life. First as my friend, then as the man I desired above all else, then as my lover... my fiance... and soon to be husband.

Life can work out. No matter what you've been through. Hold on, stay as positive as you can, and remember that everyone gets what they deserve in the end.

Mrs H
01/26/10

Dads...

So, like I wrote in the previous entry, my father is making it difficult for me to move away from home. Are all father's like this, I wonder? Don't parents simply WANT their childrn to move out and be on their own? What is wrong with mine? I swear... he would have me living under his roof still if he had his way. I know my father loves me, but I began to wonder... is it about control as well? Can he watch over me and give me, "advice," if I am close by? Or, am I not giving him enough credit? Is it really just that he will miss me if I leave? I'm actually not even sure at this point. My father is a very good man who seems to have the best of intentions. He's got his problems too - he's a recovering alcoholic who falls off the wagon now and again - but a wonderful and caring man all the same.

I made a mistake with an ex a long time ago. I am a different person now. More mature. I've learned so much since then. Does he think I'm the same girl I was then? Is that why he's holding on so tightly?

My fiance now is an amazing man... an honerable man. I know he sees it... do dad's just have a hard time letting go?

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