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October 31, 2010

Haven't been on here in quite some time. I figured when I started that it would help and I would want to do it, but it doesn't...and I don't. I feel like just giving up...for good this time.

October 13, 2010

It has been a little while since I have had time to write anything. I have been feeling so low lately and I can't seem to get out of it. I rarely talk to the few friends I have...I just sleep. Sleep and work and sleep and school. I seem to be eating a lot too, which is never a good thing. I have a half marathon I am signed up for this Sunday and I am scared that my back is going to stop me. Degenerative Disc, mild scoliosis, and some bulging discs. That is what I have to deal with daily. And since I began to work 30+ hours at work, the pain has been worse. My doctor has me on some medication to help but it doesn't seem to help much. I am almost positive that my back hurting so much has put me into this horrible mood for the past three weeks.

I saw my mom this past Monday and we went to Apple Hill with my boyfriend and roommate. My roommate picked a large pumpkin and I picked a half bushel of apples. We have been making pies ever since. Her more so than I. She has about 10 pumpkin pie fillings in the freezer and I only have one apple pie filling in there. When I cam home from work today I wanted to peel more apples and fix up another batch, but I didn't. I watched a few episodes of The Simpsons on Hulu then fell asleep for three hours. My cats woke me up because they were hungry...I would have slept straight through until morning most likely. Now I sit here in my bed, with the entire apartment to myself. And I will continue to sit here until my boyfriend shows up, then I guess I will go to bed...

I just wish that I had energy to do something. Why can I never shake this helpless lonely feeling?

October 4, 2010

Here I sit again, with things I should be doing but again I have just lost interest. Sunday was my mother's birthday...I worked all day. I sent her flowers though, which she loved. I wish I could have visited her though. Soon hopefully. After work on Sunday I drove up to my cousin's house and spent the night with her. That was nice. I miss being happy like that. I miss being around friends and just enjoying doing anything or nothing. Since I graduated early I sort of separated myself from everyone I knew. I am pretty good at just disappearing into the background and isolating myself. Not that I ever really wanted to, I just do. But visiting with my cousin was wonderful. I wish I could have stayed longer. On the way home my boyfriend and I stopped at a fruit/veggie stand. It was my favorite one so far and I do believe that it is worth driving the 45 min from my apartment to get my greens. When I finally got home today, my boyfriend said he was going to take a quick nap and ended up sleeping most the day. I stayed up and cleaned. Mondays are my cleaning days. I got a lot done. I just wish I had more money to fix some things up. I would like to finally have some decent bathroom decor, besides that I am pretty happy with how everything in my apartment flows. I am looking at a new duvet cover though. I might buy it. Its not like I don't have the money to get it, it is on sale and pretty cheap for a duvet cover...I just don't know if I should buy it. I think its cute and I do believe it would match with my room but my boyfriend didn't seem too thrilled about it. I think he said something like "Well, I don't really have an opinion...but it is you." It is you. What does that mean? The pattern on the duvet cover kinda makes me smile...but I don't make myself smile often. I have come to the conclusion that I am so hard on everyone because I dislike myself. I try so hard to get everything perfect but I fail. I am not a straight A student. I can barely pass math classes and I get mostly B's in everything else. My roommate and I are in the same Funeral Service Program and she has been getting better scores than I have on our exams. It is pretty upsetting. The other day I tried to make myself feel better by telling myself that it was okay that she got a better score because I am better looking. I don't even know how it worked but it did. I shouldn't be so worked up about looks. I am gaining weight anyway. I am not going to say that I am gorgeous but I am easy on the eyes. Generic. That's how I look. Short brown hair, big brown eyes, 5'6". I have a small waist but I think my hips and butt are too big. "It is called an hourglass figure" said some lady in a department store fitting room once when I was complaining about trying on dress pants. Hourglass would mean that I have a bust to match my hips, and I don't. It was nice that she tried to make me feel better though. Some people truly have good hearts. I had a sweet old man come into work Sunday who was a kind as kind can be. I adored him and he adored me. We chatted for awhile then he came back with his wife for dinner. They were so cute together. He called her his lady. I hope to have that some day...

October 2, 2010

I guess this is the beginning of my blog...I needed a way to get everything out without really talking...so here it goes...Today I had work from 7:30a-3p, and I had to work with my boss' son again. He is an okay guy; young and semi-entertaining, but he always has to argue with me and he never works fast enough. By the time he gets done filling a crepe, the poor thing is all dried out and crispy. I can't serve that to a customer at all, meaning I have to remake a crepe and fill it myself which puts us behind. When it is not busy I don't mind him there, he makes jokes and keeps me laughing. I enjoy laughing. After work I came home to take a nap. I have been so tired lately. Painfully tired. I fear that I might be coming down with something, besides the usual depression and mood swings. While napping I had some horrible dreams...I dreamt about not having a place to live anymore and losing my job and failing my classes...and failing life. After waking from fright, I had to meet up with a new tutor I was trying out for my PreCalc class; he was horrible. He had no better an idea than I did about the material. He ended up not taking my money, so I shouldn’t be complaining. Then I came home, hoping that my boyfriend would be here and the dishes would be done and the trash taken out...I was wrong. My boyfriend is at his place playing some game and the trash sits next to the receptacle continuously bearing its odor. I live on the third floor. The THIRD floor. I don't enjoy walking down the stairs and across the parking lot to throw out the garbage. I am not fat or anything, I have the ability to do it; just lazy. I have been sitting here since 7p, trying to find something meaningful to do with myself. My roommate is home now but she doesn't provide stimulating conversation. It's unfortunate. I have homework and exams to study for but I just can't find it in me to do anything right now. I hate this feeling...

 

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