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18/05/11

Permalink 01:13:06 pm, by andy1970 Email , 861 words   English (GB) latin1
Categories: andy1970

So why am I here? Well I'd imagine that like so many on here I'm finding things a struggle. Not just necessarily at the moment but for some time but just not prepared to admit defeat.

And to admit defeat was to be guilty of failure.

And to be guilty of failure was to be a nobody.

Well I didn't want that did I? I still felt young, I still had plenty of time ahead of me so what could go wrong?

And then it hit me.

Well it hit me last weekend at a function I was attending. For quite some time now I've been attracted to a girl. Now herein lies one of the problems, my name might give away my age, and the girl I was interested in was quite a bit younger. Ok so she wan't "jailbait" but there was a significant gap between us. No worries, people always said I was like someone many years younger than my age ... are they calling me immature???


I had met her at a local sports club where we both shared a passion for the same hobby and over the months we built up a really good friendship. People always thought we were a couple anyway, so the toughts began to occur, "well why not"? But I'm shy and never been that confident in this sort of thing. So I decided not to be so direct and ask her out but try and get her to admit what her feelings were to me rather than the other way round.

Well as you may have guessed nothing came of it, so friends we remained with me harbouring thoughts for her but never knowing how she really felt for me. And we have a really good friendship, I could confide in her so much that I wouldn't with others, including my own family, and I felt good around her.

I was happy.

Life was fun, even though we weren't at a place where I'd really have loved to have been.

And it was love. I love her. And despite what happened last weekend, I still do.

Now, other friends of mine have told me not to bother with her, that she's a bit of nightmare and that I should keep clear and not get involved. And at times she can be difficult to deal with, a real life Kate from Taming of the Shrew. But I could live with that, it may have been difficult but the rewards would have been worth it.

Recently I've been helping her out with a few things as she's had a resonable amount of trouble in her life, and this is fine, that's what friends are for. So last weekend we went to this function as friends, nothing more, with me praying that I didn't get too drunk and make a fool of myself! So we drank and chatted away and danced a bit as well. "This is good" I thought, "just a bit of fun".

Then late in the evening she ended up with a group of others and one slightly inebriated individiual. Well he's drunk, she'll see through that ... won't she??

No.

First it was a bit of light touching, arms round each other, nothing more.

Then it became closer.

Then they went outside.

And this was in front of everyone else there.

No shame. No hiding. No fear. No remorse.

I left.

Someone was kind enough to give me a lift home otherwise it would have been a very long and lonley walk on a dark night. I told him about why I'd wanted to leave. He seemed kind of shocked that I felt that way about her and suggested I was better off out of it. But that was no good to me, I wanted to turn back the clock and stop what had happened. I wanted to go back some time and tell her the truth. I wanted this sudden pain to stop.

Humiliation.


He dropped me off at my home but I wandered about the streets for a while before going in. My mind was spinning and I was lost in a world of negative thoughts. Swearing at God for letting me down and wondering what I had done to be punished like this.

 

And this is when it hit me, and this is why I'm here.

I'm heartbroken, and I don't mind admitting it.

 

That night I didn't sleep, all I could think about was her ... and him.

I'm frustrated, and I don't mind admitting it.

 

We've been in touch since that day but I've said nothing about what I saw, yet from what she's told me to her it was nothing. Nothing?! That hurts, to see her act that way and in such a manner I never thought she was capable of.

I'm hurting, and I don't mind admitting it.

 

She is not the person I thought she was.

I feel let down, and I don't mind admitting it.

 

But I will not shed tears over her, I refuse to.

I feel depressed, and I don't mind admitting it.

 

Now begins the journey ...

 

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