There's just so much sadness. Everywhere. In me. Around me. In everyone. Pain and loss and hurt and...I will always be trapped in the past. I cannot let go of it all. I've been fighting so hard for the last seven years. I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to swim against the tide. I just want to sink below and drown, drown, drown. I want to close my eyes and give up.
So I'm just going to sit here, without talking, without smiling, without eating, without sleeping, without moving. I am going to sit here and force myself to breathe. Breathe in and breathe out, second after endless second of minute after endless minute of hour after endless hour, of day after endless day. May my system shut down soon and give me peace.
Everything is quiet. If I close my eyes long enough, I can convince myself that I've left this world behind. Everything is quiet. Quiet is the sound of sadness.
It will be alright. Breathe in, breathe out. One more second. One more minute. One more hour. One more day.
It's raining. In between the continuous rain and dreary skies of last semester and the startling blue skies and blinding sunlight of this semester, it feels good to see a little grey again. The feeling of being inside wrapped in a blanket curled up in bed while it pours down on my roof is comforting; at least everything's right externally even if inside it feels like there's a dark abyss threatening to close in (I mentioned melodrama in my last post, didn't I?). I'd like to turn off the lights and light a candle, but that isn't possible right now. The rain always does sound like memories falling down and it's making me nostalgic (more nostalgic than usual).
Can you feel homesick if you don't really have a place to call home? Is the feeling of being at home dependent on being comfortable in a certain place or being comfortable with the people around you? I feel so uprooted at times, so out of place. I wish I could find somewhere I belong...somewhere where I didn't have to consciously think about fitting in, because I would already be a part of the place.
I want very much for it never to be Monday again. Everything about new beginnings and fresh starts is lost on someone who remains stubbornly stuck in the past. I know I will stay up late again today, in an attempt to keep Monday at bay, even though I ought to know better. So much for yesterday night's resolutions.
I make decisions based on how right they feel to me at that particular moment, and that feeling of something being right doesn't have any logical or rational basis whatsoever. It's just a particular feeling. That's why I regret my decisions so often after I make them, and why other people have to battle against my random whims and fancies to get work done out of me. That also happens to be why I went against almost all of yesterday's resolutions and why I messed up. Again.
Now, the way I look at life is that it's endless. An endless cycle of day and night until you cop it and die. Until the moment of your death, it is endless and infinite. So if I mess up today, there's still tomorrow to try again or to mess up again, unless I die tonight, in which case it won't matter anyway. Basically, I have the potential to mess up again and again for an eternity of days until I die. It's not a nice thought. But I know I will try again and again for an eternity of days, because I obviously haven't given up on life yet--I'm still here, aren't I? And it will be a struggle that some days I will find unbearable (tomorrow is probably going to be one of them, because of the decisions I made today), but maybe there will be a day or two when the struggle's worth it, because I'll end up doing something right for a change. If I can't give up and quit (believe me, I've wanted to do that so badly), I'll just have to keep going, struggling or otherwise through life.
So it's 2:44 am on a Saturday night. Or Sunday morning, depending on how you look at it. And I'm lying awake again, wanting so badly to be free of all of this. Wanting to push away the melancholy once and for all, and be able to let people in.
I refuse to let people in at this point of time. All of my relationships (and I don't mean in the romantic sense) have been completely mangled (there really is no other word for it) by my...instability. Each time I tell myself I'll start anew, I'll start with a clean slate, they don't even have to know about my "dark side" (melodramatic as hell, as ever), they don't have to be dragged into this, but I find myself wanting them to know, to understand, to be there for me. I'm just so desperately needy and that makes me clingy and obsessive and all those words that ought to scare people away. And they do. Not the words, but the behaviour. The absolute abnormality--even though normal is such a despicably boring word--and the absolute patheticness of the whole deal. I want people, and yet part of me is content to sit back and isolate myself because dealing with people is difficult. Not only do they have to put up with me (a Herculean task, I promise you), but I would also have to put up with them. And you can't just back out of relationships when things start to get complicated. I suppose it all boils down to fear, and the real reason I'm still stuck feeling this way--I'm afraid of change, even if it's for the better. Afraid of letting loose, letting go, even though I say I want to be free of it all.
Of course all of this (it being nighttime, me being awake, and alone, and depressed--what's new?) makes me think about life and the ever-elusive meaning thereof. I sound like a pompous snot, but there you have it. And technically, I'm thinking more about death than I am about life. Of course. Because depression and suicidal thoughts/tendencies go hand in hand. But it's not about suicide anymore for me (yes, I've come a long way, and if there's anyone who's reading this who hasn't gotten to this point, you can do it, you will wake up one day and not want to kill yourself desperately anymore), it's probably not even about death, it's more like respite. A vacation from the voices in my head. A nice long sleep (it doesn't even have to be dreamless!). Oh, I will go on living, even if it feels pointless from time to time (who am I kidding, most of the time), but it would be nice to have some time off from struggling with everything. A nice easy day without having to try to temper the extremes.
Tomorrow, I will try and wake up and for once not groan and moan about it being another day to get through. Because it's still the weekend, even though Sunday means the weekend's about to get over, and come Monday I'll start counting down days till Friday again. And because tomorrow is another day, and my life isn't that bad at all. I may not be so good at living it, but I will give it my best. Tomorrow I will take a shower, finish my work and not put it off. Tomorrow I will try and go to sleep before 2 am, because I really do need to sleep for more than 5 hours. And in between all of those resolutions I'll have to remember for once, I will try and have some fun.
And on that note, goodnight! (I need to wake up before noon)