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For Broken Hearts

Listen to this if suffering from relationship problems and it will make you feel better (Christina Perri-Jar of Hearts)

Death Before Life

I think Ive died a thousand times, some times ive wanted to, sometimes ive not had a choice but....hey here I am alive and kicking.  I was a small child 5 or 6 when I remember the darkness creeeping up on me, I spent desperate lonely days with terror in my heart a feeling of dread and impending doom, nightterrors-I was a strange kid always a loner other kids seemed to sense I was different eventually I became a victim, a solitary unprotected unsupported angry and scared child that lashed out and rejected everyone.  I cant remember hugs, I was and am uncomfortable with the whole emotions thing.  Mum and Dad gave up on me pretty young, adding to my feelings of isolation, I must be bad, evil I thought!!  all these angry emotions overwhelming me, my unpredictability and reckless regard for anything frightened even me, often I didnt know what I was going to do next, and because of this boy have I made some terrible mistakes in my life, train wreck, car crash spring to mind.

 

Soooo, now at 45 yrs I have finally been given a diagnosis of BPD, my god it has a name.  After countless suicide attempts, and trialing just about every anti-depressant drug there was since 10 yrs, stays in hospital, psychiactric wards endless bloody psychologists, therapies la-de-da etc etc. I find the (voices in my head) are all part of it, nothing to be ashamed of, just take the anti-psychotics and bobs your uncle.  Not quite that easy.

 

So my disaterous life endless failed relationships, not just men, but friends, family, colleagues whomever has started to make sense.  Ive got to fight it but I know what to fight now, so there is Life after Death ive been there I'm here!!

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