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Edge of a cliff...

Well, I've had to move back home and in with the parents and I feel stupid because all my friends are doing it, I've never been good at anything I've ever done and feel like there's no reason for me to be here, I just go through life feeling numb, thinking of ways to end it all.

My best friend's brother killed himself on the 17th as it was my best friend's birthday. I have my uncles funeral to go to this week, I'm tired of being here and trying to fight to be here when there's an easier way out. My parent's are both suicidal and I've followed yet again. Went to the doctors last week and she said she'd put me into theripy for it, I know I need to keep going, I'm a role model to my two girls (Cousins that I've brought up as their father was ill) plus if I did find my way out, my parents would be burdened with another death and they'd both kill themselves, especially my father as we were his only blood related kids.

I don't even know a word to describe what I'm feeling any more except numb, like there's only one way out, I'm trying to keep my head held high and concentrate on my future but unfortunatly it looks bleak.

Moving on

So, I've made some changes and decided to have my boyfriend move in with me, the coursework is stressful but that's universitety for you. Glad my boyfriend is here, he helps me get around as my knee is still really bad but I never realised how stressed out I get living with people. Going to keep this one short tonight as there isn't much to say really.

Until next time!

-Anna

Pointless life

Having another down day, I can't walk so I can't get to uni at the min, meaning I missed an important lecture, I have 6 pounds to last me until my finance comes in (Was supposed to be in last week). And now I can't keep my horse where he is because I can't afford his saddle yet, failing to see the point in life at the min.

It never ends..

It's been a hard life so far, it is for everyone I guess, I've been depressed  since I was young, seems quite silly wasting life away thinking about being somewhere else.

Never really written a blog before so I should probably start with the background.

I was always happy as a child, grew up like any normal child. Not a care in the world, loved school, had great friends, loving family a quiet village and enough fields to run around until my heart was content. It all changed when I was 9.

I still remember walking up the stairs to find my big brother (He was 14 at the time) bending over with a stomach ache. My brother was the most caring person I've ever known, he had some special needs but nothing that stopped him living life as he wanted, he'd make us dens when we were bored, he kept me happy, but he was never ill. He went to the doctors a few times but always got sent home, they would say "It's just a stomach bug" Or "We couldn't find anything wrong with him" But my mum pushed to get him into a local hospital for more tests, we'd go and visit him and play on the playstation in the games room laughing about him having it easy but all of a sudden the happiness vanished and he was rushed to another hospital as his lungs had shut down and it was too dangerous to airlift him, that was the last time I ever spoke to him.

In the next hospital he wouldn't wake up, he had fallen into a coma. I would leave every day after school and travel for an hour to see him, my parents never left his side and my sisters came home to look after my nephew and I. I would sit next to his bed talking to him, begging him to get better, I could see my parents were frantic and it scared me even more, the last time I ever saw him, I spent all day ill at school as my sisters were still visiting him so I couldn't go home, we wen't to the hospital after school and I was so ill I wasn't allowed to go in and see him, eventually I managed to get some medicine off a doctor, put a mask on and then I was allowed in, I spoke to him and we all sat around his bed, my dad took us down to the cafe for a drink and I could see that he was giving up. That night I kissed him goodbye told him to get better so we could get back to normal and left.

The next day I was stood in line for a burger at school, and I got dragged out by a teacher. I was excited when I saw my dad, to me then he looked happy and he was joking with a teacher, the teacher looked at me with tears in her eyes but it wen't straight over my head and we chatted happily as we walked home, when we were back I bounded into the livingroom smiling at my mum who was sat on the couch, I asked "Is Jon home?" Grinning at her, she kept a straight face and told me to sit on her knee, as I sat there she told me "Jon has died we did everything we could" And we burst into tears her rocking me saying "My poor baby" Over and over. It's weird how vivid some memories can be.

We had his funeral and played The Zephyr Song by the red hot chilli peppers and You've got a friend. I wore the brightest dress I had and we released a load of bright bloons for him. The time between that and secondry school is a blur, I'd skip school constantly, I was always crying myself to sleep but I kept telling myself it'd get better.

A year later when everything seemed to be getting a little better I was sexually abused by a distant family member, I finally got the confidence to tell my parents, 10 years later.

When I got into secondary school I got really depressed, it was the same school my brother went to when he died, it had a plaque on the wall with his name on as if it didn't hurt enough, I'd get into fights over it, I never attended but in the last year I gave myself a push, I wanted to make him proud.

Whilst in school, after a few years of feeling depressed and fighting constant suicidal thoughts I decided to tell my parents I thought I was depressed, I wasn't sleeping, I barely even ate but my mum refused to listen telling me I didn't know how it felt to be depressed so I tried to forget about it. About a year later I tried to kill myself. I had been slitting my wrists for some time but it wasn't doing anything so I walked to the biggest cliff near mine and stood on the edge in tears, my best friend at the time had luckily come down to find me as we would spend days playing there, he ran up to me grabbed me and hugged me hard. I loved him as a brother and I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me, he saved my life that day.
We went out bowling with my family a few weeks after that and I forgot to wear a long top, my mum noticed the scars on my arms and wouldn't stop screaming at me, I know now that she was probably panicking as she didn't want to lose another child but at the time it felt like I needed support more than that.

I almost got raped around that time, a man that lived close to me came into the house but luckily I managed to get him out, although trying to wake my mum up failed as she'd taken her sleeping tablets, I've been raped twice since then so undistandably I'm terrified of men, it seems strange an 18 year old being scared of men, I remember getting home and standing in the shower for hours scrubbing at my body in tears.

I kept skipping college when I started then but I told myself I need to make my brother proud so I started working harder on my assignments and finally managed to make everyone proud by getting into university, I still can't sleep or eat much and it's hard being as depressed as I feel, I still feel so suicidal sometimes and now I live on my own it gets harder, the worst thing is, I sometimes wish it was me instead of my brother, I know it should've made me treasure life more but every day gets harder, I don't have the confidence to talk to a doctor about it due to my parents reaction (Which is why I'm pouring my heart out here) everything scares me, my friends think I'm so confident and I have it easy but it's so hard being where I am. Luckily I have a really supportive boyfriend, he keeps me going when things get too hard, he's the one of only men that I trust and can handle me on my down days.

The amount of people in my life that have been close to me that have died and I haven't felt anything, it's horrible because I know I should, I'd stand at the funeral and look at people crying and feel nothing, it's horrible but nothing compared to my brother. At my nana's funeral, an aunties, an uncles and a friends I couldn't cry, I just feel empty.

It's been a hard life so far, it is for everyone I guess, I've been depressed  since I was young, seems quite silly wasting life away thinking about being somewhere else.

Never really written a blog before so I should probably start with the background.

I was always happy as a child, grew up like any normal child. Not a care in the world, loved school, had great friends, loving family a quiet village and enough fields to run around until my heart was content. It all changed when I was 9.

I still remember walking up the stairs to find my big brother (He was 14 at the time) bending over with a stomach ache. My brother was the most caring person I've ever known, he had some special needs but nothing that stopped him living life as he wanted, he'd make us dens when we were bored, he kept me happy, but he was never ill. He went to the doctors a few times but always got sent home, they would say "It's just a stomach bug" Or "We couldn't find anything wrong with him" But my mum pushed to get him into a local hospital for more tests, we'd go and visit him and play on the playstation in the games room laughing about him having it easy but all of a sudden the happiness vanished and he was rushed to another hospital as his lungs had shut down and it was too dangerous to airlift him, that was the last time I ever spoke to him.

In the next hospital he wouldn't wake up, he had fallen into a coma. I would leave every day after school and travel for an hour to see him, my parents never left his side and my sisters came home to look after my nephew and I. I would sit next to his bed talking to him, begging him to get better, I could see my parents were frantic and it scared me even more, the last time I ever saw him, I spent all day ill at school as my sisters were still visiting him so I couldn't go home, we wen't to the hospital after school and I was so ill I wasn't allowed to go in and see him, eventually I managed to get some medicine off a doctor, put a mask on and then I was allowed in, I spoke to him and we all sat around his bed, my dad took us down to the cafe for a drink and I could see that he was giving up. That night I kissed him goodbye told him to get better so we could get back to normal and left.

The next day I was stood in line for a burger at school, and I got dragged out by a teacher. I was excited when I saw my dad, to me then he looked happy and he was joking with a teacher, the teacher looked at me with tears in her eyes but it wen't straight over my head and we chatted happily as we walked home, when we were back I bounded into the livingroom smiling at my mum who was sat on the couch, I asked "Is Jon home?" Grinning at her, she kept a straight face and told me to sit on her knee, as I sat there she told me "Jon has died we did everything we could" And we burst into tears her rocking me saying "My poor baby" Over and over. It's weird how vivid some memories can be.

We had his funeral and played The Zephyr Song by the red hot chilli peppers and You've got a friend. I wore the brightest dress I had and we released a load of bright bloons for him. The time between that and secondry school is a blur, I'd skip school constantly, I was always crying myself to sleep but I kept telling myself it'd get better.

A year later when everything seemed to be getting a little better I was sexually abused by a distant family member, I finally got the confidence to tell my parents, 10 years later.

When I got into secondary school I got really depressed, it was the same school my brother went to when he died, it had a plaque on the wall with his name on as if it didn't hurt enough, I'd get into fights over it, I never attended but in the last year I gave myself a push, I wanted to make him proud.

Whilst in school, after a few years of feeling depressed and fighting constant suicidal thoughts I decided to tell my parents I thought I was depressed, I wasn't sleeping, I barely even ate but my mum refused to listen telling me I didn't know how it felt to be depressed so I tried to forget about it. About a year later I tried to kill myself. I had been slitting my wrists for some time but it wasn't doing anything so I walked to the biggest cliff near mine and stood on the edge in tears, my best friend at the time had luckily come down to find me as we would spend days playing there, he ran up to me grabbed me and hugged me hard. I loved him as a brother and I never got the chance to tell him how much he meant to me, he saved my life that day.
We went out bowling with my family a few weeks after that and I forgot to wear a long top, my mum noticed the scars on my arms and wouldn't stop screaming at me, I know now that she was probably panicking as she didn't want to lose another child but at the time it felt like I needed support more than that.

I almost got raped around that time, a man that lived close to me came into the house but luckily I managed to get him out, although trying to wake my mum up failed as she'd taken her sleeping tablets, I've been raped twice since then so undistandably I'm terrified of men, it seems strange an 18 year old being scared of men, I remember getting home and standing in the shower for hours scrubbing at my body in tears.

I kept skipping college when I started then but I told myself I need to make my brother proud so I started working harder on my assignments and finally managed to make everyone proud by getting into university, I still can't sleep or eat much and it's hard being as depressed as I feel, I still feel so suicidal sometimes and now I live on my own it gets harder, the worst thing is, I sometimes wish it was me instead of my brother, I know it should've made me treasure life more but every day gets harder, I don't have the confidence to talk to a doctor about it due to my parents reaction (Which is why I'm pouring my heart out here) everything scares me, my friends think I'm so confident and I have it easy but it's so hard being where I am. Luckily I have a really supportive boyfriend, he keeps me going when things get too hard, he's the one of only men that I trust and can handle me on my down days.

The amount of people in my life that have been close to me that have died and I haven't felt anything, it's horrible because I know I should, I'd stand at the funeral and look at people crying and feel nothing, it's horrible but nothing compared to my brother. At my nana's funeral, an aunties, an uncles and a friends I couldn't cry, I just feel empty.

About 3 months ago a very close friend died, he was my boyfriend's best friend but I loved him like a brother, he spoke to me all night and at 00:13 he hung himself, the last thing he ever said to me was "Much love miss Douglas, much much love" I felt like my lowest all over again, I can't get the words out of my head and by the time I realised what he was going to do, it was too late, I had to ring his best friend up and explain it all to him, that is amongst the worst nights I've ever had, I'm so down and I don't know what to do, I feel like I have no support but I'm trying to be strong.

 

 

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