... a depression and anxiety blog and chat room community.

Bookmark and Share

Up again at 3 am

All I am thinking is why can't I move on. I see a therapist but I can't talk abouta anything real. About 2 years ago I tried to kill myself. I can't help but feel that I could be draged down again at any moment. I have tried to express that thought but it seems that even when I tell her I don't want to go back to a dark place that she doesn't see how serious a fear it is. I can't sleep. I can't say anything that makes it a big deal. I am not the one who makes a big deal out of things. I always seem pretty good. I don't know how to turn it off I grew up in an abusive house hold and I don't know how to turn the smile off and say I not OKAY! I have always had to act and I just want to turn it off for 50 minutes every other week so I can come to terms with all the F***ed up crap I had to deal with. I had come pretty close with my last therapist and then we had to move for my boyfriends job. That's another thing that drives me insane we are more than just boyfriend and girlfriend we want to be together forever why can't he just nut up and ask me already. Can he sense that there's more crazy in there and he doesn't know if he wants to be saddled with it forever? If he does he hasn't said as much.

Everytime I make a mistake I instantly feel completely worthless. I feel frightened and I am just waiting for someone to come at me and try to kill me. It is exhuasting because I am human. I forget about a small check that someone decides to cash a month later. I drop a dish here or there and it breaks. I try to kill myself and end up alienating my entire family and myself. I burn dinner. I am human I make mistakes and I realize this is normal but everytime big or small I feel like I am going to die. I feel like such a disapointment like I am worthless and I don't deserve the people in my life. I get angry inside at the people who have hurt me and made me this pathetic woman. It's my fualt though which is who I always end up mad at and I just can't forgive myself. I can be angry at them for what they did but I can't be angry at them for who or what I became. That's my fualt.

Stupid awful things happen to people all the time and some people use it to make themselves better people. I didn't do that. I have wallowed in it. I don't know how to become better for it. I feel weak and worthless and undeserving. When I do feel something good about myself I instantly feel guilty. I don't feel like I deserve to feel good. I use the word feel a lot when I could use the word think because I logically know that what I think about myself is not true. However that does not change the fact that I think it and feel it.

My responses tend to be different in size to what is actually happening. For instance I mess up I am 10 minutes late for work and I feel like someone is literally going to try to kill me and I have to fight my instinct to run or hide and go on with my work. Logically I know it is rediculous I should not be so upset or scared no one has ever tried to kill me for being late to work but it doesn't matter I am.

I am up again at 3 am thinking about all this stuff that doesn't matter but it does because I can't move on. I am stuck here. I am trapped by my own f***ing brain and it sucks.

Depression Blogs - Depression Journals - Anxiety Blogs - Anxiety Journals - Depression Chat Rooms - Anxiety Chat Rooms

Copyright 2010 www.depression-blogs-chat-rooms.org All rights reserved.