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Hugely confusing encounter !

Many years ago, (before John) I dated a man for a while, the relationship was rather carefree, we were young, went to parties, got drunk and stoned together. He was three years younger than me, charming and mischievous, but also totally unreliable, the kind that agrees to meet one day, and never turns up untill three month later, and expects things to pick up where they were left, as if he had only been gone for a day! my friends kept telling me he was no good,but back then, I fell under his spell, I know it sounds a cliche, but, it was a typical case of a kind of sensible girl attracted by the "bad boy"  type. Isoon became hopelessly infatuated,I found it romantic when he called me in the middle of the night, to tell me to catch the first train to london in the morning, so we can have a great day out, but the fell asleep and forgot all about it! The last days we spent together will remain unforgettable, he turned up on my doorstep unexpected, and persuaded me to call in sick at work the next day, as he had plans for us.We spent the next three days skyving, smoked joints on the beach, went to the rides on the fairground , came back to my place , ordered a massive take away, drank champagne, and then has the most amazing time in bed.The next day, he had to go, he say he'd call soon, and never did, he stopped returning my calls, he kind of disapeared , I was a bit bitter , but not too surprised, it was typical of him after all. Soon after,I met John( that is another story) and moved on. However, even though I had no intention whatsoever to try getting him back, he kept appearing in my   dreams, at  times of turmoil and confusion, and in those dreams, we walked, and walked endlessly, in changing landscapes, and he spoke to me , some words of wisdom, giving me advice on how to live my life. 

Life carried on, year after year, went throug ups and downs, I moved and settled in this town, Ihad no idea he still lived there, and I was not bothered weather he did or not.Still,the first time I bumped into him in the the tow center, in a cafe, five minutes away from my flat, it was a bit of a shock , he had not noticed me on that occasion.There were to be many more occasions, many more opportunities within the next few years, sometimes, I knew he could not have seen me, sometimes, I was not sure, sometimes, if I was looking a mess, I would hurry up and walk on by, so he would not see me like that.

Anyway, it became clear that we lived in the  same neighbourhood, as we kept meeting, but we never spoke once. I had no hard feelings, held no grudge , if he had waved at me to come over, I happily would have obliged, but, he did not, wether he was deliberately blanking me out or not, it was his problem, I had other things to worry about!

The last encounter , a few days ago, could have been like any other, on my way to the shops, I saw him, sitting in that cafe, as usual, he probably works nearby and must be on his tea break. I 'm so used to seing him so often, it hardly registered, and I turned round the corner, heading towards the library, admiring shop windows and enjoying the last sunshine of the season.The next minute, I heard somebody calling my name, I turned round, and here he was! He seemed extremely surprised to see me, even more surprised to find out I 've been living in this town for so many years( I 'm not sure I can believe him) He suggested we meet for  drink, and wanted to exchange phone numbers, To my horror, I realised my phone was at home, next to the ironing board( I'm no good with numbers, I can't remember it) My heart sank , and even more so when he said he was not on Facebook! fortunately, I had a pen, and wrote down his number, we chatted o the pavement for about five minutes before going our separate ways.

For some reason, the whole episode seemed so unreal that it did not actually sink in as a reality, and I spent the rest of the day as planned, cooll headed. It is a very bad timing for us to pick up our friendship, and I can not help thinking that, he probably did notice me before, and was not bothered,and the only reason he approached me, is to ask for a favour, but maybe I am a bit cynical....who knows....I resolved to phone him next week, and meet up for a casual drink, out of curiosity, In wowed not to get too close, not too involved. He might be charming , he might be a good laugh, but, He is still unreliable and manipulative .

That was three days ago, and the reality downed on me, we spoke, he wants us to meet, after ten years, and , over the weekend,I found myself, remembering fondly all the mischief we were up to, ten years ago, and suddenly, I can not wait to see him again, the only thing that is stopping me from calling him right now, is........My hoarding habbit.....the mess......



Feet on the ground or head in the clouds?


Hi everybody!

I t has been a bery long time since I have not posted anything, I did visit the site  every now and then,out of habbit, but somehow found it hard to focus on what I read. I have been on Fluoxetine for quite a while now, and noticed considerable improvements in my life, but there is only so much that the little pills can do, and , admitedely, I 'm still struggling. Still trying to control my hoarding habbit,with little succes, I feel a lot calmer inside, but have not achieved anything remotely constructive. I hang on to the belief that practice makes it perfect, but how much longer will I have to practice and reharse life before I start enjoying it? 


A month later

It has been one month and a week since the first Fluotexine capsule dissolved in my belly, and allowed me to see a new world unfold before me. A world where miracles do not happen, but where, with a bit of common sense and willpower , you can achieve a better quality of life. Fear has loosened it's iron grip, so I can walk, and breathe, and think. Admitedly, I am yet to take concrete positives steps to tackle some of the issues that led to the final breakdown, five years of dysfunctionnal living can not be undone in a month time , but at least, I feel a bit stronger, a bit steadier, a bit more focused.

One of the first improvements I noticed, was that within a few days of taking the pills,is, I felt a lot more confident, or a lot less self conscious about my physical appearance.I no longer spend hours deciding what to wear, no longer waste half the day discarding one outfit after the other, I still have the occasional "Dont know what to wear" moment but, what woman doesn't?I gained a few pounds, mainly because my appetite returned when I started the treatement, but, to be honest, it is nothing to worry too much about, I 'm not super skinny, nor overweight, just average normal womanly figure, I will not waste time or energy in slimming, for that is the least of my priorities. As for the compulsive hoarding of clothes and beauty products, I still have the odd urge to buy a bright pair of socks, or a cheap piece of bling jewelry, but, I try, most of the time , to stop and think, then realise that my life will not be better if I get one more pair of shoes, one more jar of body butter. And last but not least, I have secured myself an appointement with an eye surgeon in London, to discuss what can be done for my  right eye, severely affected by thyroid disease, I did a lot of internet reseach on the subject, apparently , in most cases, most patients return to nearly normal, with hardly any visible defect. Even though I am terrorised at the thought of the pain, the trauma of the surgery, the bruising and the anestetic, I 'm started to actually look forwards to this opreation  . Before the thyroid disease, I could say I was rather attractive( trim figure, good skin, long blond hair), then, it happened, my right eye started to swell up, and no ammount of medication could put it right. I can't say it was the only reason for my excuriating breakdown, but it certainly contributed to it. My doctor is very supportive, and seems to believe that there is a lot they can do, so now, I just wait and see,gather up all my strengh, and keep myself heathy and in good spirit in preparation of the big day.

The awakening

9 days since I started taking Fluotexine, worked a week , on nights again, I did not feel too different while on duty, perhaps just a litte bit more more relaxed, but, it has been business as usual, had my annual review with my manager, and got praised for my achievements, I kind of knew I had done well this year,but , to have it comfirmed gave me a huge boost.

However,I came back on wednesday and felt rotten, terribly tired, and with a negative outlook on  life in general, this was a bit of a set back, as I was expecting to start feeling better , comforted by the medicine, I decided to give myself time, put my discomfort down to the tiredness caused by working the night shift for so long.  Wednesday and thursday passed in a dull slowness,something similar to a hangover. Then it happened , quite suddenly, I was drinking a cup off coffee in bed, I was my usual self, but the next minute, it happened, i actually felt something that ressembled happiness, it felt like a beautiful and rare butterfly had entered the room and was resting on the edge of my bed, I did not know what to do,get up and make the most of this sudden outburst of positivity, and get some chores done? but then, getting up might have scared the butterfly away, so I choose to stay still , and look at my butterfy marvel at it, still in disbelief, wishing very hard the feeling would stay.

I must have dozed off, for I awoke several hous later, I must have needed the sleep! The butterffly was still here, but looked tired and faded, so I revived it by putting some music on, something I have not done in weeks!

I went out to the shops, it took me less time than usual to get out, pausing atb the door still, with the door on the handle, but the fear was not there, a slight anxiety, but it was rather manageable this time, so, off I went!

I took the butterfly with me to go  groceries shopping untill it started to fade again, the went home and had a cup of tea, and watched the marvel flutter, then fade, then come back, he fade, then retrurn...etc....

So, that 's how it feels when the pills start working, that is a nice feeling, I let it wrap round me like a soft woolly blanket, and I float away towards the horizon, I 'm not on top of the world, but I 'm in  a good place already.

A year ago

It 's already been a year since I started this blog, I remember it like it was yesterday, that trip to the Samaritains office, which turned out to be closed, the freezing cold, the coat I was wearing.

Yes, it's been a year, year of pouring my heart out, a year of reading other's stories. I remember the pain I felt at being isolated because of the phobias, the anxiety, the weird ritual with the phone, I also remembermy will to fight, my determination to beat it, and my despair following each relapse.

I 'm still fighting, I have not won yet, but, help is on the way, it will be a bumpy ride, but I might be a bit safer now. I swallowed my fisrt pill 23 hours ago, and a ready feel slightly, very slightly different, like something is slowly opening up, I know it takes up to three weeks to see some real results, but I definitely have mellowed since yesterday, or could it be that I am telling myself to be less anxious? Last night, I did not sleep much, I have not slept well all week, so , I did return to bed after  cups of coffee, to wake up again in the early hours of the afternoon, I was craving food, feeling sleepy, then exited, I could feel the little pill work it's magic inside my belly, then in my brain, welcoming the warmth it provided. No, I can't say today was totaly anxiety free, for the monster has fluttered before me on  a few occasions, however, it is early stages, so for the first time in ages, I can say I am on the road to recovery, for real,this time......

Another 25 minutes untill I take the second pill.....bliss!

have I finally found the way out?

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