Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

This morning, at around 9 o'clock, I lay in bed, thinking it would have to be some kind of good day,it was sunny, and although it has yet to be comfirmed, I have been invited to dinner by a couple of friends I know from work, so I would have to get going, get ready, put on my happy face, it always does me a lot of good to see them.

I was just about to get out of bed and make some coffee, when I heard a  KNOCK ON THE DOOR. I froze, pulled the duvet over my head, concentrated on my breathing. Considering all the possibilities .Suppose somebody saw all that unopened mail outside my door, and concluded that I might be dead, or incapacited, in severe distress, and needing assistance, suppose they sent the POLICE, or THE   SOCIAL  SERVICES, to check on me!!! Suppose they got hold of a spare key from the landlord, and let themselves in, WHAT   THEN  WHAT  TO DO ?!!! ........On the other hand, it is Sunday, Easter Sunday, whoever they are, would they come on a Sunday?  Sunday is normally the dy when I can let my guard down a bit....but who was it  then???..................   Perhaps the authorities know about me alrady, and have traced the next of kin, my parents, perhaps it is them at the door, coming to ask for an explanation, and there will no doubt be drama then......the knock is not very loud, it is a quick, rapid, nervous knock, no big loud, evenly spaced bangs, I did not recognised any footsteps coming up the stairs, I did not hear any at all, I was not paying attention, it was Sunday morning!!!!! ....Could it have been a friend?   I have still a few friends left, but, at this time in the morning? Without phoning before hand? I don't think so.  Or are they knocking on the neighbours 'door, not mine, but because their door is so close to mine, it sounds the same, that has happened before, I did put myself in a state of panic, and it was noone for me at all , but next door!.........I listened again to the building, sombody' footsteps in the net door flat, he is probably, going to open his door to whoever is coming to visit him at such an early hour. The knocks have ceased rather quickly, at any rate, it was a minor incident, I did not hear any voice calling my mame, there was no one urging me to respond,    no:    "Are you all right in there, do you need assistance?"        Neither :  " Open the door, we know, you are here"  And, no sirens, no dogs,no walky -talkies  either........

False alarm then, I sigh with relief and made a cup of coffee.

But will I ever be able to live normally??? will I ever put my life right and stop the vicious circle?  need help, but don't know who to turn to.