Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

It has been a long tome since I did not post anything, I have been away for work, then unfortunately,my computer decided to break down! that was extremely frustrating, I rely a lot on my computer, admitedly I am a bit of an internet addict! However, I took it in my strde and did not get too worked up about it, becoming a ball off stress will not help, so I left it well alone for a whole weekend, today only, I was prepared to call the technical helpline, but as soon as I switched it on, I heard the little singing tone that announces that all is working well, what a relief! I still do not know what went wrong, but since it has "healed " on it's own accord, I 'm happy and keep my fingers crossed.

No major disrtuption occured in my life this week, or at least, no visible one. I read a Ruth Rendell novel , should I really read novels like that, knowing that they play on the reader's anxiety? Toxic, or therapeutic? Anyway, when I got to the part when the main character conceals the body, followed by delusions that all will be well, illusions soon to be dashed by faer of being found out, I did recognise myself. Of course, I did not kill anybody, the burden I am concealing is a big bundle of letters, that used to pile up at the front door, but about a week ago, I crept out in the dark, grabbed themwithout looking, avoiding looking at them at all cost, and stuffed them all inside a shopping bag., and then stuffed the shopping bag inside a travel bag.....and yes, I did feel better, so much better that I have actualy been able to get out and about a bit more this week, out of sight , out of mind, I know, I am being totally delusional,because I can't see it, it does not mean the thing is gone, I despise myself for being so naive, but relish in thev little bit of freedom I gave myself, the days are getting longer, the weather is warmer, the squirrels are out, and so am I!

And then, sometimes, when there is a gap in the day, a moment with nothing to read, nothing to watch on tv, nothing to eat, the reality , the enormity of what I did hits me in the face......so I try to leave no gaps , no cracks in between sleep, food, and distractions, so the monster will not come back to the front line, but it is still there, lurking in the shadows.....