Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

Every day I have to fight my way through mountains of clutter to find something to wear, make something to eat, find my home keys if I need to go out. The process is exhausting! it also makes cleaning a lot more difficult  , in a normal, fonctional household, when you do the housework, what do you do? pick up any items that need to be put away, dust and wipe surfaces, open window, stagten up cushions, hoover the carpet....job done.

In my case, I have to move big piles of various items to make space to be able to drag the hoover around, I often have to start by clearing one small area where I can safely stand or seat, to settle and sort things through.

This is the home of a compulsive hoarder, every room is jam packed with cheap and tarty party shoes that hurt my feet so much that I can't wear them, Smart tailored trousers in need of alteration(because I'm not very tall) that have been waiting here  sometimes for years.......A luxurious fluffy sweater, bought half price last year, a real bargain,I never wear it, I save it for a rainy day,a special occasion untill it fades or gets eaten by moths...........Half empty jars of miracle face cream........Holiday pictures from happier times.......a phone charger that no longer connects to the actual phone I have......Ribbons and gift wraps saved for recycling....empty coffee jars put aside to paint on.

It all adds up, it all piles up, into tacky plastic storage boxes, under the bed, behind the sofa, along the walls, into corners, it suffocates me, but I have ti live with it, each attempt to get rid of unwanted clutter, has so far been a failure.....what?!...throw away that old faded pair of socks?! ... but what if I need it one day!!!....and that dead plant, what a shame!...sure  with a bit of TLC Icould revive it....and that mini skirt?.....it does not fit me anymore, but I I lose a few pounds  it will.....

Material belongings have taken their toll, they used to make me feel safe, alive, connected to something, through those years of loneliness, they replaced human contact, a substitute for love and affection, now they don't provide comfort anymore. They eat up my vital space, inside and outside.

I remember the days, as a teenager, Mum and Dad busy, working hard, my Dad, very focused on academic succes, giving the occasionaal lecture about doing well at school, but not really here, always working. Don't get me wrong, he is a good man, he always meant well, and so did my mum, but they never were really the cuddly type . Flasback to the summer holidays: A family day out....." Right then girls...so what should we do now?....what do you fancy?.....I tell you what, you two go into that fashion shop, choose what you like, while I sit outside and read the Times, when you're done, come and get me so I can pay".....

 Material possessions as a reward for being good, a cassette player if you do well at school, a new top or a pair of jeans if you tidy your room,if you help in the garden.....and if you failed, then they threatened to withdraw the pocket money, or take away the record player untill you diserved it. 

Then there was "Grandma Dearest" teaching us her ways, like in the old wartimes, you had to hang on to what you had, just in case, you had to save things for best,make them last.

After I left the parental home, times were hard, I was in a low paid job, my boyfrien did not do much to help, we rented a small studio  flat in the suburbs, we could only afford the bare minimum, and I sometimes was given stuff, from my sister, from a neighbour, from the Mother in Law, a hanbag, a pair of  trousers to go to job interviews....our flat was furnished with friends and neighbour's hand me downs.On Saurdays we would eat steak, one big steak to share between the two of us. I had to commute to a call center office every day, and would often purchase a little "trophy" when I could afford it, save a bit of loose change, and buy a hair clip, a pair of gloves, or a bright couloured lipstick, from a stall in the Metro station. Made me feel secure, armed against that really harsh world.

After we separated, after I moved abroad, started a new life and hd a steady job, I was like a kid in a toy shop, always consious about money, out of habbit, but I soon became an expert in finding bargains, I was never overdrawn, I was far too carefull for that, but soon , space was  becoming an issue, matching shoes, and matching bags, one for every occasions, and those miracle face creams, I had deserved it all for having suffered that much, having felt deprived of love during childhood, then having lived in with a useless boyfriend, working all hours to make ends meet, while he sat indoors watching TV. My turn to have fun, my turn to have nice things, untill the nice things took over , gatrherd dust, became out of fashion, who, at my age would want to wear a pink glittery T-shirt with " born to be wild" on the front? Why can't I just throw it away, or give it to the charity shop?I don't know, I just cant, it has gone a bit yellowish over time, it is trashy, vulgar and cheap....I own hundreds of items of similar value, a scratched old CD from a" has been" pop band nobody remembers,a free cooking magazine from the supermarket, dated from years ago, some mismatched socks , piled up in a corner, waiting for their"other half" to be found, a little pot of eyeshadow that lost it's lid, gathering dust in the most unhygienic manner, a scruffy trainer with no laces, an old hairdryer....etc ....etc.

Right now, as I write these  words, I am surrounded by clutter, I look at it ,and I feel like crying, is that all there is to life, buing burried behind a stack of cheap and nasty bits of plastic and fabric?

Is that really all there is???   ........??? ......is it???!!!!