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Bank Holiday Sunday, still raining hard, Decided to do a bit of housework, going through piles of faded and damaged old Tshirts that do not fit anymore, then prepared a meal, and decided to get out for some fresh air, even though the weather was foul.
In the past,each time I attempted some serious spring cleaning, it took the shape of a "housework marathon", driven byb self disgust and fear of anyone seeing my messy home, it was a case of getting up at the crack of dawn, put on any old shapeless tracksuit, without even taking the time to shower or brush my hair, knowing that I would get filthy and sweaty washing and scubbing anyway. I would be at it all day, moving stuff around baging up sweet wrappers and leaking pens, sweeping up the leaves from the dead plants, trying to just uncover the floor, so Icould hoover, attempting to free some space in front of the heater, so I could heat the room, cramming dirty laundry inside the machine, picking up half empty cups of cold coffee from the most unusual places........I felt aching from dragging storage boxes and chests of drawers from one corner to another , sweaty fom rushing from one romm to another, carrying rattling loads of unidetified items, filthy fom all that dust in my hair, that sweat on my face, frustrated that I did not seem to obtain any result, hungry, but there was no time in my schedule to prepare a decent meal, so I had to rely on black coffee soggy biscuits and cigarettes to see me through the day. By the end of the day, I was haggard and exhausted, the bed was covered with clothes I could not decide weather to keep or discard, along with tags and hangers, so I was faced with the grueling task of removing them to a better place before I could sleep, I was freezing cold, because storage boxes and old cardboard had been placed again in front of the radiator, rendering it unusable(fire hazard), the cooker was cluttered with dirty dishes awaiting a good soak, so no chance for a comforting decent snack.I was too dirty and scruffy to consider getting a takeaway, I was alone, with no one to speak to, no one to even phone, and having achieved nothing remotely constructive. So, with a heavy heart, I crawled towards the bed, pushed the old clothes and coat hangers onto the floor, and curled into a ball under the blanket shivering and annoyed with myself for having wasted a whole day.
I recently experimented with a new method , which consists of doing small bits at a time, a litlle bit every day, or at least on a regular basis, this is not a graet discovery, only common knowledge of course, any one in their right mind would know that , but I am not really normal am I? I 'm an agoraphobic compulsive hoarder, who lived in semi squalor for ages. So for me, it is a big step! and it seems to work! After what I would call a fair effort in the morning followed by a light lunch, I braved the rain to go for an expresso in town , I even had in mind to go to a big record and mutimedia store, to browse through the latest Cds, unfortunately, being Sunday, I did not make it in time, but I still had an expresso, (with no cake with it though,I'm still watching my figure), the streets were deserted, as it was bitterly cold and windy, I took a few steps on the seafront, listening to my Mp3, and made my way home.
Came home, put the kettle on, put some music on and switched on the computer, and proceeded to load the washing machine, change the sheets on the bed, perform some general tidying up in the bedroom, then made a cup of tea, wrote those few lines on my blog, and sliced some peppers, ready to cook for tonight's dinner, on the radio, a program dedicated entierely to the Mowtown, good easy listening for a rainy Sunday afternoon , quite upbeat, but not manic as Techno Dance Ibiza. Ialternate, half an hour of housework,.... twenty minutes of internet,...... a bit of cooking,..... a cup of tea, .......it all seems a bit more acceptable, human nearly.
Some kind of achievement then today, shame it got ruined by disturbing glimpses of reality. As I went through dusty Cds, damp towels and faded Tshirts,moving along at the required pace for a bank holiday, it occured to me that when I am not at work, about 95% of my time is occupied by Trying to tidy and clean up and attempt to control the belongings that accumulated indoors , or think up some ways of acquiring more(preferably of the chaepest kind), or worrying that someone will discover the way I live. Social interacting has become near non existent, good quality intellectual stimulation is now a rare thing,my comfort zone has become smaller and smaller.
human beings as well as basic physical needs, need intellectual nurturing to thrive, otherwise we 'd be animals would'nt we?
No need to be a genius, even the dumbest of airheads or the most primal of ignorants can manage to stimulate their brain in some kind of way,by communicating with other , like minded people, exchanging points of view, even on the most trivial of subjects, be it fashion, or football, or food, or kids. We need to absorb and process informahtion through television or newpapers, open up our minds to different ways of thinking, different cultures.......that is what you call living.
So, where does that live me? how sad have I become, when the most meaningful human interaction that occured in my life in the past few days, was with the till operator at the supermarket " any cashback?...anything else...no thank you, bye bye", how low have I sunk, when the highlight of the week is the fact that I managed to clear some space in the hallway, to put the hoover? What do I gain from gazing at the same soaps on Tv, While visiting the same internet sites every single day? how enlightening is it to sit next to a heater, staring into space? Day, after day after day after day after week.....The energy to be inquisitive has been replaced by the need to keep going as best as I can, not to become better, but just a bit less bad, my greatest ambition is not toprogress in any way, but just to try and stop further deterioration . Kidding myself that the novels I read are nourishing my mind, when they are merely a means to escape my world, a world where real threats and paranoid fantasies have fused together in a disgusting way. Inhaling toxic nicotine and tar throug my lungs and looking at the wall, unsure of the time of the day, because it does not matter what time is , for I have not commitments or deadline, no one needs me, no one wants me, cramming rich and fattening food in my mouth, when I 'm not even hungry, because there is nothing else going on in my life to look forwards to. My brain has rotten through lack of stimulation, without any way to expand, my mind turned against itself, feeding of it's own fears and fantasies.
No wonder I don't feel right, I 'm suffocated, I 'm decayed, rotten.....and no wonder no one wants me! Ihave nothing left to give, I do not remember how to be sociable, (if I have ever known, that is).
And the vicious circle goes round and round, round and round, all day long , alone, exhausted and braindead, I crave warmth and darkness, I crave sleep, sometimes, there is nothing I want more, than curling into a ball, with all the curtains closed, and shut my eyes, because I do not know any other way to deal with what I ' ve become...sometimes, the only reason why I don't want to die, is because I almost believe I'm already dead and gone to hell....is there a way out of MYSELF ?
