Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

Today is  Tuesday, wich means tomorrow, I 'm off at sea again, and this time, it is an early start, I should have everything boxed off by now, and relax, because I will be doing the night shift, which means I won't have to make too much of an effort to look presentable in the morning. 

But as usual, nothing went according to plan, I just found it extremely difficult to focus on anything in the morning, I was awake before 7am, by some rays of light filtering through the blinds, "thank you sunshine" I said, "thank you for waking me early so I can make the most of my day, and perform a few chores" 

Unfortunately, my time management skills let me down once more, as I drank coffee and surfed the net for the entire duration of the morning, i intended to clour my hair, but  did not get round to do it, as it was nearly 1pm when I finally showered, cursed myself for making things harder for myself, I should know better, poor time management is bound to create additionnal stress. I somehow succeeded in  dressing up in a casual but stylish manner, with discreet make up, and soon was ready to go out, yes , exactly, go out, in the open, in broad daylight, on a week day, how brave is that! and I did not even have to go, I was not driven outside by starvation, or a sudden shortage of caffeine, or toothpaste, or a lightbulb. .....no I was going out for some fresh air, and yes, admitedely, to the newsagents ( see post "imaginary friend").

Then something happened that changed the course of the day: as I checked my handbag for keys and purse etc,I looked at my phone, out of habbit, and there it was, in top the left corner of the screen, glaring at me, the little sign that indicates that someone left me a message on voicemail, my courage and energy vanished at once, I checked the number, and did not recognise it. Who was it who actually left a voice message?! none of my close friends do that, most of them know it freaks me out , they use text message instead. Having a missed call on my mobile,from an unknown number, and with voicemail on top of that, is guaranted to send me rapidly into panic mode, as it can only mean someting bad, really really bad, someting evil.

Of cousrse it did not occur to me to even listen to the voicemail, that, is beyond the pale, I was  way too terrified to do that, by then , I was even getting uncomfortable touching the phone, so I shoved back inside my handbag, with the rigtone on silent , out of sight, out of mind! well, not really out of mind, for I was already fretting about the incident, and I knew the day was spoilt.

I stood by the kitchen window, looking down at the passers by in the street, searching for clues, and imagining that the person who left a message, was outside waiting for me to come out, and challenge me to explain the reason of my silence. Fresh air was the obvious solution to alleviate the anxiety that was threatenning to take control, fresh air and a chit chat with someone friendly, off to the newsagent then, let's be brave and go outside, there is nobody there to catch me.

And I did it! yes, Idid it! I did not retrat inthe bedroom and close all the curtains, I did it! opened the door, and went down the stairs, out in the street!

Ok, I was not yet out of the woods, for once outside, I found it extremly hard to stay focused and relax, I walked in the streets aimlessly, entering shops without any purpose, looking at windows without actually seeing them, just to try concentrating on something normal, but my mind was full up to the brim with the phone incident, who was it? what did they want? the message had been left hours ago, in the morning, and even though they had not had a reply, they had not tried to phone again, that was possibly a good sign, nothing terribly urgent then.....but on the other hand, leaving a voicemail implies  something important, what if somebody died? what if I was overdrawn? bankrupt? Evicted? arrested? outlawed?  was it the social services, did someone report me to my parents for not opening my mail, and then, they want to have me sectionned ? On the bright side now, is it a colleague asking if I need a lift tomorrow?  was it someone dialling the wrong number?

Not checking the message would keep me in limbo, and the day was sure to be ruined, as I was going to torture myself imagining all the worst possibilities, and live in fear that it would ring again , but then, no news , good news , as they say, if it is something bad, then if I don't listen to the message, I will not know, so all will seem well and normal, I can carry on pretending evreything is fine, I can look around at pretty shop windows, perhaps go to starbucks, or I can go for a chat with the newsagent.

Ah! here we go again! the newsagent with the friendly smile and the sense of humour!    Even though I was not feeling my best, I thought I would visit him, just to buy a newspaper, and for a chat, that would cheer me up. Revived at the prospect, I casually ondulated towards his store. When I walked in, he was not in, the young assistant was running the shop on his own, that rarely happens, he must have been on an errand with the car or something to do with a delivery, I looked around at the newspapers, just in case he appeared from the storeroom, but he never did, I bought a copy of  Newsweek said goodbye cheerfully to Tim, the young assistant, and gracefully glided outside, trying not to look too didapointed, so long for a cheer up!

I had nothing else to do now, but worry aboutv the voicemail message, I toyed with the idea of sitting in a coffee shop to listen to it, but could not go ahead after all, so I ended up in a big department store, checking what new make up they had on offer.I walked out without buying anything, and dragged my feet home to yet one more evening  of worrying and loneliness.   I made a cup of coffee and a sandwich, and instead of getting on with my chores, I logged on the computer instead, and have been typing away like there 's no tomorrow, perfecting this post, for nearly 2 hours!  

The current situation is: I still haven't checked the voicemail, that is beyond my strengh, but the good news is, I've just looked at the phone, and no, whoever they were, they have not called again, as for getting ready for tomorrowand do a bit of tidying up, same old, same old, meaning nothing is do, and it is already 9pm, but I 'm used to that by now, I call it manic Tuesday.

I 'm not really working towards peace of mind and a happy ending am I?  Oh dear , oh dear!

Ok, I 'm trying to make light of my current helpless situation, but really deep down, this is no laughing matter, I'm sick of myself, I would so much like to live normally, free of worry, or at least, free of phone and mail phobia! Because, phone and mail phobia might sound a silly thing, but when you have to live with it, like I did, for years,it is quite a handicap!

This might be the last post of the evenning, the last post of the week really, as I have to go to work tomorrow, and must get on with getting ready,still, I feel glued to the screen like I've never been before, it feels like this is vital, it feels like the rest is of little importance, I feel compelled to pour my heart out endlessly, then obsessively check for replies, what is happening? To the alraedy long list of my flaws, am I about to add     "internet addiction" ?

Nevermind dear, put the kettle on.