Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

So here I am , feeling really low again, feeling frozen and paralised by anxiety, how did I get here? what caused the previous glimmer of hope to receed in the background?

It takes very little to tip me over the edge, a huge crisis can occur after just a phone call from an unknown caller, a knock on the door when I did not expect it, some footsteps up the stairs that do not sound familiar. The smallest change or alteration in my surroundings can be interpreted as a threat.

If a loved one is running late, it means they have come to harm, if I detect the slightest hint of either tiredness or irritation in a friend of colleague's voice, it means I did something to provoque that reaction, I have failed to fully satisfy, and therefore, I try to distance myself from the person, as to not aggravate them any further, and then, pick my brain all day trying to figure out what I did wrong.

If a letter come through the post, it has to be devastating news of some kind.

If  any change occurs  in my daily routine, it is regarded as a potential threat, that is about to burst my little bubble of fantasies , and leave me helpless in the face of real life issues to be dealt with.

Last week, I had a bad episode, when I fretted all day long about a phone call from an unknown number. 

Right now, I 'm morbidly obsessing about two things:

The first one is, the flat above mine is unusually  silent, that young and laid back family normaly has the music on untill late, I always hear laughter, specially at the weekend, when they have friends staying over.But since I came home the other day, nothing can be heard, and their car has not ben in the driveway for several days.  This might seem of no importance, and at any rate, not relevant to my current state of mind, but I am positively freaking out at the thought that they might have moved out somewhere else, for this implies several issues:

If they have moved out, then they will be replaced by new tennants, and I shiver at the idea, these were the laid back type, young, party loving, carefree, not the type to report me for not having picked up the mail , but if they were to be replaced, then what kind of family would live there? Would they intrude and interfere in the name of law and order? Appart from my phobias, I can honestly say that I am not a bad neighbour, quite contrary, I am always very quiet, cautious not to offend, willing to be unseen, unheard, forgotten , but what if some new neighbours found a flaw and reported me to the landlord, or the police, or the social services.....what then? what if they had me arrested or evicted, what next?

The second aspect to consider in the issue with the neighbours, is : I know their flat and mine are owned by the same landlord, so , if they have moved out, maybe that is because the man wants to sell the building or part of it, then I would have to leave to, I can't hellp fearing that I might already have been evicted long ago, only, I would not know about it, as I have not opened any mail for god knows how long, or even answered the phone for that matter! So maybe now , I am an outlaw, and they will come and get me very very soon, and my life is over then.I have brought shame and disgrace onto myself and secured my place with the rejects of society, I might as well start selling the big issue now. 

 Then, there the never ending drama of mail at the door, the big heap I picked up the other day first, still indoors, untatched, wrapped inside a bright green canevas shopping bag, I feel like one of those murderers in the Ruth Rendell nonels, the character feels temporarily libereated after they have managed to conceal the body, they can resume normal life, I felt the same after I put the old letters in the bag, like I'd got away with murder, exept, I haven't got away with it, after all, in the novels, the murderer always gets caught, it is just a question of when, and how, and the reader savours every chapter leading to the final downfall, marvels at how well depicted is the protagonist's meltdown, watch them fall to pieces,slowly but surely, bit by bit, untill the final blow. More mail pile up at the door, I avert my gaze when I have to step out,the main act of bending down to read my name on any of them makes me feel all shaky and sick, so I walk on by, to the sunny street, buy a coffee in starbucks, pretend evrerything is fine, but how long can I carry on like that?

 The lump in my throat is still here from last night, still wantv to beg some kind soul to help me get back on track, get my life back, but there is no point, I got myself in that mess, so now, I have to deal with the consequences...it's just, how do I deal with these?.....I am going round in circles.

Where 's the way out?