Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

My first day back in Britain after visiting my family overseas,my last day before I go to work on the ship for a week......I had got used to Mum's home cooking for three weeks, so was a bit of a shock to come back to an empty flat and an empty fridge, managed to make some beans on toast yesterday, this morning , there was only apples and dry bread left in the kitchen, not great, to avoid starvation, the only option was to go out! I took too long getting ready, as usual,took too long to find some decent clothes, then put a bit of make up on(you never know who's round the corner), then it was the traditional battle to make it outside the door, checking that all taps are turned off, all appliances switched off, windows closed, walk around, discard my jacket to put another one on, check I 've got my home keys, my purse, check out the window if nobody is waiting for me outside.....take a deep breath....ready steady ....Go ! I went through the frontdoor, taking care to avoid the big pile of mail, congratulating myself for weraing those soft shoes, so that nobody would hear my footsteps dpown the stairs, within a minute, I was in the street, feeling the chill of the  afternoon wind, looking around me in amazement, this is my home, the town I live in , and it really is beautiful, I felt really priviledged and greatful to live here, imagine that, living all year round at the seaside!

I walked through the park, through the little ancient cemetery, the wiew was breathtaking, the flowers georgeous, and my heart warmed, I purchased some frozen food for my dinner, fish and chips, and some little caramel ice cream pots as a treat.I then went home and cooked it, attempted unsuccessfully to tidy up, ate my dinner, connected the computer. The usal routine , the usual sudden changes of of mood, extatic one minute, at peace with myself and the world, and wrecked with guilt and fear the next minute. I'm working tomorrow, so I will have to use my phone to checkthe ship's arrival time, the phone  that has been left for days without a battery, the phone I can't event look at without breaking into a panic, the phone I stopped answering ages ago. Fear is back, avoidance, paranoid rituals.......Bck to the dark side then.....it's like in a horror film......

No!no!  no!!     NO T    AGAIN!   NOOOOOOOOOOOOOH !