Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

thursday,  8:15 am, for some reason, I left the alarm clock set on like if I had an early day at work, very early indeed,I hit the snooze button a few times, tossed and turned in  bed, I had a thumping headache, right behind the eyes, and felt slightly nauseous,as a teenager, I used to suffer from heavy migraines, Iput them down to growing up, blamed the physical and emotionnal changes that occur at the age of 13, the problem solved itself on it's onwn a few years later.It's only recently that the migraines came back with a vengeance, and once again , I blame it on that age, fast approaching 40, metabolism and hormones are playing up,emotions are all over the place,midlife crisis is after all ,not very different from teenage crisis, so it no surprise  that migraines should reappear now.

I treated mysef to 2 painkillers with a lukewarm glass of tap water, and made a cup of coffee which I took with me into the bedroom, then laid back down on the bed, waiting for the pills to work, and telling myself not to be such a whimp. Sure enough, I felt a lot better after 15 minutes, still sligtly queasy, but the headache had gone. I hear ome traffic in the street down below, and remembered that the binmen come on a thursday, there was no way round it, I was going to have to take the rubbish down, that meant openning the door, being seen in broad daylight. I took  a deep breath, but the haert palpitations started anyway, I went up and down the stairs as quickly as I could,and drept back to the safety of my kitchen, and treated myself to another cup of coffee, and 2 slices of toast.

As I write the words, it already feels hot and stuffy indoors, I could plug in and electric fan, but it would certainly olny blow around the dust that accumulated here all winter. The pile of junk that built up around me seems more oppressive than ever,due to the heat, I feel like dirty, stale, soiled, discouraged and exhausted at the thought of the work involved in order to make my whole life bearable, time management issues are also causing  stress and irritability, I need to work flat out 24hours a day to make things right, but then, it means cutting myself of from the little social life I 've got left, I need to organise and prioritise, but somehow , I feel that I 'm not strong enough to do that, I want to be left alone, but in the meantime, I feel lonelier than ever, and want to be taken care of.

I feel angry at the most trivial things, the kettle that takes a long time to boil, the computer that 's slow to connect, the young mum at the supermarket pushing a buggy that takes up most of the alleyway, the little old lady at the station, who is not walking very fast..... the label at the back of my teeshirt, rubbing my sking in the most annoying manner.... those loose coins that have fallen at the bottom of my purse   ....these are minor details of everyday life, so why do I feel such rage, such impatience, why am I a nervous  wreck oscsillating between rage and exhaustion?

Heat and adrenaline is definitely not a great combination.