Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

I 've been posting on here for months now, I poured my heart out and ranted about all my insecurities, from the compulsive hoarding, to the agoraphobic tendencies, from the exaustion that follows working nights, to the heartbreak of splitting up from John.....There is only one thing I have not yet revealed, one issue not adressed: I have Thyroid Eye Disease, many years ago, I suffered a severe bout of hyperthyroidism, it is not dangerous or life threatening, but the effects can be distressing.My weight dropped unexpectedely, to the point when I barely weighed six stones, I had heart palpitations, severe mood swings, insomnia and depression,and my eyes started puffing up.  I went to the doctor's who put me on medication,  the condition is now stabilised, I've got my figure and my curves back, however, my right eye remains noticeably bigger than the other, and no ammount of medication will change that, I was told that the only solution is surgery. 

Before the disease, I had always been a girly girl who loved dressing up, and I was fairly satisfied with my looks, as I was blessed with my Mum's blonde hair , regular teeth, blue eyes and trim figure.Being petite, I was lucky to look much younger than my real age, and I was known among family and friends, for my quirky and colourful dress sense.

Nowdays, Istill have a good dress sense, my figure stayed in a reasonably good shape, I still have long blonde hair, I 'm still a girly girl, I 'd be ok if it was not for my eye. My confidence has been severely afffected, I feel robbed of my femininity.

When I was under the powerfull spell of anxiety and depression, this particular problem made matters worse, not only I had lost the energy to look after myself and make the effort to look presentable, but what was the point anyway? why wear a miniskirt?....why try to match coulours?....why polish my shoes?...why wear make up?....why wash my hair?.....why bother with all these frivolities when I was doomed to feel grotesque anyway, because of that one flaw? grooming was therefore kept to a minimum, and I spent many months in greyish frumpy clothes and shapeless tracksuits wich main function was to keep me warm,with my hair tied back and a pale face, untouched by make up.A t my lowest point, once or twice I stayed all day in my pyjamas, then , being in desperate need for food and groceries, I simly swapped the pyjamas bottoms for old jeans, grabbed worn out trainers, zipped my fleecy comfy jacket right up to conceal the pjs top, brushed my hair back, and made it to the shops just like that, without even showering!

Nowdays, the veil has lifted a bit, and I started making he effort again, the thing is, I overdo it and spend ages every morning trying different outfits, obsessing about immaculate pedicure and earrings that must match the colour of my toenails, wasting my life away trying to achieve that picture perfect looks that you only see in fasion magazines! Anything goes as long as it detracts the attention from the eye, and it works, but it surely is not realistic to believe I can endlessly invest that much time, effort (and  money) on looking good.A time will come when all these beauty rituals will spiral out of contol, and lead to yet another breakdown, when I will feel overhelmed and exhausted, and then come to a grinding halt ,once curling up into a ball,shutting myself from the world. There is no denying that exhaustion from work, along with obsessive and time consuming grooming is a very dangerous combination!