Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

Here we go again, back to square one, (or nearly),falling back into darkness once more. What caused it , what particular event? none, the cloud just crept back little by little.

The discomfort I feel right now might be due to a combination of several factors. First, tiredness from working nights, there was a time when I could shake it off and keep going and function normally, even though  a bit jet lagged, but I seem to have lost my ability to do so. When I first started this job, more experienced colleagues had warned me of this, the older you get,the more difficult it is to turn youself around after the night shift,now I see what they meant!When I come home after 7 nights, I 've been awake for about 15 hours solid, I'm feezing cold after waiting fo the train,my shoes feel heavy, my brain fuzzy.After being o the hot seat, on the front line for 12 hours a night, 7 nights in a rows, having to solve problems, answer phone calls, being alert, anticipatong, plannig ahead, multitasking...I'm comfronted by sudden silence, absence, of urgency,lack of purpose, and that is when tiredness, exhaustion hit me, I try in vain to resist the urge to crawl between the sheets wearing my work uniform,and when I succeed in getting changed and brush my teeth before hitting the pillow, I can consider it a little miracle! And, if the little miracle does not happen, it often is the start of a dramatic fall in the standards I set myself in order to be just like everybody else.Waking up in a dirty clothes from the night before will inevitable lead to self loathing for being so pathetic, I will stare at the empty cupboard, trying to trick myself into action, to have a bath, put some clean comfrtable clothe on, and make a dash to the shops, but everything will seem like a huge effort, I might achieve the basics, like showering and putting on jeans and sweater , but will stop at that, I will not make the effort od drying my hair, pick uo the damp towel off the floor, put the soiled laundry in to the basket, instead, I will, make a cup off coffee, an will stare into space on the couch, usally , making plans, daydreaming of a better days, days when the flat will be tidy, the paperwork up to date, my social life more exiting. Once,there , were days like that, and all I think about is, one day, there will be more days like that, but for now, I 'm stuck into the present, a loveless time zone that seems to last forever, devoid of enthusiasm and passion .

And this is probably the root of my turmoil,I'm still young and in good health, appart from jet lag, and stress induced migraines, there is nothing seriousely wrong with me, and I could, and would recover a lot quicker from the jet lag if I had a reason to. I f there was someone, or something to go home to, to wake up for, to make the effort for, then I would be fine, tired, but fine. But right now, why bother ? why wash the dirty dishes? who will know if I don't? Why  pamper myself? who will notice if I do? No one will frown if I let myself go, but no one will praise me if I make the effort, it's just me, and the frumpy and haggard wreck in the mirror. 

I to catch a glimpse of the future, but it is being obscured by the sordid loneliness of the present.