Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

More than two weeks into the New Year, the festive spirit has left the building, (assuming it was ever present!). The days are starting to be a little bit longer. I 'm still the same, still struggle with anxiety, still pagued with recurring insecurities, obsessing about everything, focusing on all but the essential, still in limbo.

I now have a friend called James(not his real name), the relationship, to this day, is still purely platonic, and is very likely to remain so, I did need a guiding hand, an older male figure in my life, at a time when I felt I'd hit rock bottom, so I let him in into my life, we do eta together several times a week, and even slept in the same bed, but that is as far as it will go, I feel no attraction towards him at all, when we first met, I did not mind too much his hand on my shoulder, or the occasionnal kiss, but now, even that seems too much intimacy. All I needed was some kind of father figure in my life, so I went and got him, he now considers we are a couple, which makes me wonder what kind of mess have I let myself into?  

I am still a compulsive hoarder, even though I do try to keep my addiction under control, and a slight inprovement has occured.

I still work a lot of nights, and still come home so exhausted that I can sometimes sleep for two days solid, then wake up thinking " what 's the point in waking up anyway? who for, what for? why get out of bed" Isometimes feel nauseous at the prospect of another day spent without a purpose, drink another coffee, and put on a brave face, musn't gumble, just keep going, keep going where exactly?