Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

This weekend has no shape, a blob of a weekend, thanks to having worked the night shifts again this week, on top of that, I was plagued with bad back most of the week, wich slowed me down considerably, a friend at work who is hypocondriac and middle aged, and therefore familiar with all aches and pains, says it is very likely some kind of sprain, of trapped nerves, I was mortified, thought this aliment only happened to old people, and I 'm not even 40 yet!

James has not called , and I made no effort whatsoever to get in touch, no, I did not feel likec sharing my space, sharing my table, make an effort, cook him dinner, our relationship is not healthy, I can not cope with the fact that he is not phyisically attractive, and I feel self conscious of being seen out with him,we never actually had sex, but he has been sleeping in my bed, stangely enough this did not bother me in the beginning, but now it feels like there is an intruder between the sheets. I never wanted to love in the first place. I felt so lonely,I just wanted to be loved, or be meaningful to someone.I thought I would cope with being in a relationship with someone I 'm not attracted to, but I can't. The warmth of his body next to mine feels kind of nauseating, alien, a bit like when you sit on the bus, where a stanger previously sat, uncomfortable foreing bodily heat.Also, his hand stroking my hip or shoulder when on the settee, feels like an itch. I think I soon will use on him that well known classic , tried and tested phrase that says" it 's not you, it's me"

Today, I went to the movies, on my own,(to seeBlack Swan) it's become a habbit now, it does not seem that love will come my way in the near future,and as years go by, my social life gets quieter, but I find comfort in life's little  pleasures like movies , good food, and internet . I recently joined various artistic online communities, to try my hand at writing poetry, short stories, or even drawing! As a child, then as a teen , I always thrived on creativity, and was rarely seen without a notepad, then , the demands of adult life put an end to all that, as I simply did not have the time. 20 years later, I 'm getting the pencils out of the cupboards again, and this time, there's the added thrill of knowing I can put up my work online, to be wiewd by hundreds of like minded people. I can't say I 've been very productive so far, as I am not very organised, and still have major isssues with compulsive hoarding, anxiety , and chronic disorganisation. So, the artistic projets are, some would say, very superflous, and perhaps I sould sort out the urgent and important, and that is what I am trying to do, slowly, very very slowly. The creative stuff is just a harmless way of escaping, everyone needs a bit of fun after all. ....even disfonctional  nutters like me.

So life is just on big puzzle, and I think, I 've got all the pieces, now , all I need to do is sort them out.