Where's the way out?.....are we there yet ?

What a crap day it was!

Fist, I did not hear the alarm, and overlaid, wich, in some ways is not a big deal, as I am off duty untill Wednesday, and had no particular commitements today, but still, it always makes me feel bad about myself , I always felt that, good people get up at a decent time, only loosers oversleep , because they are not wanted anywhere and have nothing to look forwards to anyway.Poor time management, more training required.

I decided to go out for some fresh air, and maybe a cup of coffee in town, unfortunately , just as was putting the final touches to my hair and make up, I heard voices in the hallway, and there was a knock on the door.I've been there countless times before, and swore I would face my fears, make ammends, put my life straight, move forwards.....but I froze on the spot anyway, still clutching the hairpins tightly between my lips, my first reflex was to put my hands on my hears, to block of any conversation, whatever it was they wanted, I did not want to know. I waited in the front room, crouched, hands still on my ears, hair still in a mess, waited for what really seemed like ages, but was actually  2 or 3  minutes....I then listened carefully for any noises, silence, whoever it was must have gone away. The silence was broken by a booming deep voice, apparently coming from the flat above, followed by a child whingeing, the kidmust have got told off.Nothing happened, the following minutes, so I decided  it was safe to move around, no way was I going out under those circunstances, but I could not possibly spend the rest of the day like that, at least, I would reatreat to the bedroom and read a book, that is a quiet activity, that would not give away my presence indoors, you see, had they known I was at home , they could have knocked again, prompted me to open the door, whoever they were, whatever they wanted, and then that would have been the end of me.Then, all would have come to light, the compulsive hoarding, my difficulties to keep everything "spic and span", and then.....then what ? would they inform the landlord? Inform the social services?....  the police? my parents...? what will they do if they find out I don't "live right"...? arrest me...lock me up?

I crept to the bedroom, being carefull to avoid creaky floorboards, and sat on the bed, trying to breathe slowly, outside, all was silent again exept for the heavy rain.....The rain? what rain?  it had been dry and sunny only seconds earlier!!! Could it be a dripping tap in the bathroom?I carefully went into the bathroom, and realised water was running down the wall, coming from the upstairs flat! That explained it all(the child might have done it, and consequently got shouted at), the last time such a thing had happened, it also  affected the offices down below, and the stairway, so whoever noticed the flooding, went to knock on my door, thinking it was coming from my place! At least, I reasoned that I was not guilty, and there was nothing I could do about the flood, but still, I could not risk showing myself, as I would then have to explain why Ihad not answered in the first place, then let them see the less than tidy flat, so it was best to stay put. The water was still dripping in my bathroom, it did not occur to me to try and mop it up with some towels,sooner or later, it would stop dripping.There was yet another knock on the door which I did my best to ignore, it was getting dark outside, another day had been lost to panic and anxiety, paranoia, disorganisation, had I been decently on top of all household tasks, had I notleft a big pile of mail for god knows how long in the hallway, I could have let the visitor in, showed them the bathroom, and clear myself of any allegations that I was floodding the place, but I probably have made matters worse now, by refusing to cooperate, I have probably sparkled some suspiscions, they will think I am hiding some sinister activities(drugs, prostitution or whaterver...) or they might believe I am in distress( seriousely ill, or injured....) what if they send the police, or the paramdics, or the social services?...

Right now, I wish I could have a friend to speak to, it always diffuses the panic, when I spill the beans to a close , trusted friend, and they tell me that I have such an active imagination! "silly, silly girl" they'd say"nothing to fear! you worry too much, that 's your problem"

Unfortunately, I dumped James yesterday,  even though he stated that we were still friends, and that I could call him whenever needed,  somehow, I don't think it 's appropriate to call him the day after dumping him, and ask him to help and sort out my little household crisis.As for other friends, I honestly think they are more than fed up with my (anxiety related )antics.

So, here I go again, more alone than ever, facing my demons.