I woke up this morning with that sick feeling agin, it doesn't go away. Not ever.
I can't feel happy, even though I try. Happiness is something I only experience in dreams, when I am taken far from here, to a world of endless posibilities. And, God, How I hate waking up. Reality is a smack in the face, every single morning.
I don't even know myself anymore, I wanted to be perfect. But I'm not. I'm someone that I hate. I'm bitter and angry. I can't have a conversation, with anyone. I'm losing everything.
I feel like I'm on the edge, all the time. I feel like glass, shattered and sharp.
I want more than anything to be found and understood.
But they say "We can't help you, unless you talk to us"
And I go back to square one, because talking is impossible. I can't explain it all. I just cant. I get this lump in my throat that won't let me speak; Won't let me utter a word. I don't know how I feel. How can I explain, to YOU, If I don't understand myself.
Maybe I should've done something sooner; spoken about the circumstances. Because now its too late, and I don't even know why I feel this way. I guess, if you bottle things up for too long, they beging rotting away and its too late to speak.
I have, or should I say had, such high expectations. I put myself down, but I can't help it. I deserve it. Because, I really am a horrible person.
Whats worse, is that I used to be kind, Once.
Now I'm crying, and I hate crying. I hate the taste of my salty tears, I hate the tracks they leave on my face. Tears are ugly. I am ugly. And I am crying. And I dont know WHY!
Its just so hard, its all so hard. Its easy to contemplate death. I think about it all the time. I mean, maybe its better being dead. Maybe its peaceful. Maybe, how would I know.
I want to be naive again. I want to be ignorant and innocent. I dont want to know the ways of the world. I dont want to be hurt. I dont want to be let down.
And most of all, I want to understand, because at the moment I am so confused about myself. I am a tangled mess of emotions and words and bad experience. I am something horrible and weird, And I dont want to be like this. I want myself back.
Oh God, How I want Myself back.