So, I saw my eye doctor today for the eye strain I was having lately. She blamed it on some cornea defect I was diagnosed with last year. Turns out my vision will deteriorate overtime etc etc. This only tops the high blood pressure I found out about last month, which surprisingly is higher than my dad's who is an alcoholic.Pretty sure it has something to do with my meds. All this has my thinking horses running. I left my job about 15 months ago when I thought I couldnt go on any longer with my health issues. Just before now I was starting to feel I could sneak back to the real world.Its like banging your head against the wall each time. I came across the missing piece while watching spirituality show today(Awakening BKS).It says you can attempt to change/work upon your future only when you have ACCEPTANCE for the present.By acceptance she meant not creating any negative thoughts wrt your situation.Sulking/fretting only depletes your life energy. You can't expect to increase it then. This makes me realize I am trying to move ahead without fixing my real problem, which would be denial of my fate.So, I will try to bargain a life keeping in mind the inevitable end. Soothes me for the time being Howsoever poised I may be, I know its gonna come,and in possible a miserable way (just like that of Gus).Atleast he had somebody to live for. I hope I don't.

We all suffer from loneliness from time to time. But it gets tricky when you are depressed. You die inside when your are alone and it feels incriminating to be around people. That's because people generally do not understand what you are going through. We live in a society where good social skills are deemed most important. I have lived in boarding all through school and college and still managed to be an island among the sea of people.I felt quite guilty about it and resolved to do something about it. After a year or so,I stopped trying. I was affable and on good terms with everyone but never was I part of any circle. By the time I got a job, depression had taken away any remaining zeal I had left for socializing.All my relationships seemed redundant. The workplace requires a very shrewd kind of socializing which I was totally incapable of. (I ultimately quit but primarily for other reasons.) All those times I felt ashamed for not being one of them. But thanks to the anti-depressants and few other things like smooth jazz,meditation etc I dont give a damn anymore. It took a long time to accept myself as an outcast. Definitely,having a good company makes a lot of difference, it helps in kickstarting the process of healing.But I have come to believe nobody can fill the hole inside you. (except you). And for people like me who do not have the luxury of friends it is probably much more difficult.