*Sigh*

I would do anything for my friends, anything at all.. And i would think that was a two way street, but as it seems i am being fooled by the fact that i lay my trust on someone and they don't even fucking trust me... Wth is all that about??? When it comes to the chat, i am being the person they want me to be and i never break the trust between me and anyone! But, if there is no trust MY way, why the hell am i taking MY time to listen to THEM, when they don't even trust me enough to be truthful to ME? -- I mean, i share my life with them and they share theire with mine, but if there is no trust - There is nothing!

Look, i am who i am and i never lie about who i am. But i guess i need to shut everyone out so i don't fall down this trap again. Man, i thought we where friends, i NEVER would do anything to you and i would NEVER come in between you and another.. So why the hell don't you trust me enough to let things be like they were??? You've changed man, and not for the better..

.Ken OUT!

It's been a long time since my last post in here cus i havent had the time nor the energy to write here, but i'm going to give it a try today. But the thing is - I have no idea of where to start... Jump into it? yeah...

For the past two weeks i have been on a vacation at my parents house with my gf with me and it went as okey as i could have imagined it, but being back at the place where i overused drugs, where my friends are and they are still doing the same things as before and i could feel my body wanting to fall back into those habits and it was hard to stay away.. It didn't make things any easyer for me to be back there, but i survived it tho...   But, i think that i maybe needed to be at that place at heart to see what i gave up and what i gained. I'm not afraid, i know that my choices in life has made things hard for me and my loved ones, but i can't stop thinking about what would have happened if i didn't leave when i did... Idk if that makes me a sad excuse for a person, but i can't shake that feeling and i wont apolagise for thinking it!  But -- I have made my choice in life and i will live with it/and all the bad ones.

But let me skip ahead a few days up to today -- I have made i decision: As it seems the health care here where i live doesn't think i deserve treatment and cause of that i stopped "healing" my self like i tried to do before. I haven't taken any meds in almost two months and i must admit i am feeling the effects of that as i'm sitting here(and every day). But, i honestly do not give a shit about it anymore -- It easy, i bottle everything up and don't share my "deep" problems with anyone anymore. It's easyer for me to cope with them that way, but it is hard enough just to do that.  But - i'm not complaining :) Life is what life is, i got served the shitty fucking part of it with a spec of hope on the side.. (Why keep on hope? It hasn't given me anything up to now anyway) ... But i have a son and a girlfriend, so i gotta keep up the facade and keep going until i'm burned out, what happens when i burn out is anyones guess...

"Hi ken, how are you?" "Oh, you know, i'm good :)" Easyer to lie and get out of the situation than having to think about my problems even more...  I shouldn't be allowed to write all of this in here.. i'm a fucked up person i think, i mean..damn.. look at what i'm writing! I think all of these thoughts n' stuff is better inside of my head :)

"I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road"

(Og Lis, les du den her så går eg ifra deg!)

(Let me start of with that my name is Ken and i had to change sites to blog my thoughts out, cus my girl friend broke my trust and has read every former post i have made at another site, and i had hoped that i could have one place for myself - I guess i was wrong!)

...So here it goes:

Over the last few weeks iv'e gotten one blow after another in my face and iv'e been trying to look positive on things and believe that what does'nt kill me makes me stronger, but now even my psycholagist has told me that they will terminate my treatment cus i can't prove that i'm clean for drugs. Iv'e been without therapy for a few weeks now pending on my evaluation from the head doctor and they decided that they can't treat me if i'm not clean - But i AM clean for fuck sakes! What am i suppose to think if even the doctors give up on me? That little ounce of hope i had for myself getting better over time is fading away :| I haven't taken my meds for almost two weeks either and i honestly don't see the point of taking them now... I got so down last night thinking of this that i layed down in my bed and stared at the roof for a hour without even moving. All i could think of is "What am i suppose to do now?"... I haven't talked to anyone about this except from my gf, but i have tried to talk about this in the chat and i just got ignored :| Wich is kinds just fucking typical...

So, what now? I'm having a hard time now to even get up in the morning even when i can't sleep during the night. Did i give up everything just to get sucker punched over and over again? This just isn't fair! But i got to keep up a facade so i don't bring Lis down to my current level and that alone is hard enough. *sigh*

It's 05.30 here now and i'm still up and my body is dead tierd, but can't seem to get any sleep - I just crash when i can't take it anymore.. It's at these times i want to use coke again, sadly enough... At least i have energy then and sleep long enough to get well rested(after a few days) But at least i feel like i have control over some things.

I just don't know anymore...