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27
Apr

I'm so conflicted...

(Let me start of with that my name is Ken and i had to change sites to blog my thoughts out, cus my girl friend broke my trust and has read every former post i have made at another site, and i had hoped that i could have one place for myself - I guess i was wrong!)

 

...So here it goes:

Over the last few weeks iv'e gotten one blow after another in my face and iv'e been trying to look positive on things and believe that what does'nt kill me makes me stronger, but now even my psycholagist has told me that they will terminate my treatment cus i can't prove that i'm clean for drugs. Iv'e been without therapy for a few weeks now pending on my evaluation from the head doctor and they decided that they can't treat me if i'm not clean - But i AM clean for fuck sakes! What am i suppose to think if even the doctors give up on me? That little ounce of hope i had for myself getting better over time is fading away :| I haven't taken my meds for almost two weeks either and i honestly don't see the point of taking them now... I got so down last night thinking of this that i layed down in my bed and stared at the roof for a hour without even moving. All i could think of is "What am i suppose to do now?"... I haven't talked to anyone about this except from my gf, but i have tried to talk about this in the chat and i just got ignored :| Wich is kinds just fucking typical...

So, what now? I'm having a hard time now to even get up in the morning even when i can't sleep during the night. Did i give up everything just to get sucker punched over and over again? This just isn't fair! But i got to keep up a facade so i don't bring Lis down to my current level and that alone is hard enough. *sigh*

It's 05.30 here now and i'm still up and my body is dead tierd, but can't seem to get any sleep - I just crash when i can't take it anymore.. It's at these times i want to use coke again, sadly enough... At least i have energy then and sleep long enough to get well rested(after a few days) But at least i feel like i have control over some things.

I just don't know anymore...

 

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2 comments

Comment from: Mrs H [Member] Email
My friend Ken... I am so sorry. You know me by another name as well. :-) Please please don't turn to drugs again. I know you are struggling, but please God hang in there, ok? You can beat this depression. Life will be better, I promise you that. If you start taking drugs again, it will NOT. I think you know that. Keep writing, Ken. Keep putting your thoughts on paper instead of up your nose, honey.

Without posting my name here... would it help you to know my identify if I called you Emo? ;-)

I'm here for you, Ken. I truly am. Please stay away from drugs! Your son needs you, my darling friend.
04/27/10 @ 14:52
Comment from: atheist [Member] Email
(((((((((((((Mrs H ))))))))))))))
I got your msg(Mail) and replied to it :)

I wont turn to drugs again, i have promised myself that a long time ago - But sometimes the thoughts just gets the best of me :| Im trying as hard as i can to hang on here, but its just hard when no proffesionals want to help me anymore and my meds are screwing with my head :s

I will keep on writing in this blog(As long as my gf respects my feelings and dosn't search up this to - Wich she doesn't dare to do i hope) and try to make sense of all my thoughts :) But when i knew that i was on my own for my own sanity i felt abandoned :s I sure hope life gets better Mrs, cus if it keeps up like this i dont know how much more i can cope :|
04/28/10 @ 16:29

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