It's been a long time since my last post in here cus i havent had the time nor the energy to write here, but i'm going to give it a try today. But the thing is - I have no idea of where to start... Jump into it? yeah...

For the past two weeks i have been on a vacation at my parents house with my gf with me and it went as okey as i could have imagined it, but being back at the place where i overused drugs, where my friends are and they are still doing the same things as before and i could feel my body wanting to fall back into those habits and it was hard to stay away.. It didn't make things any easyer for me to be back there, but i survived it tho...   But, i think that i maybe needed to be at that place at heart to see what i gave up and what i gained. I'm not afraid, i know that my choices in life has made things hard for me and my loved ones, but i can't stop thinking about what would have happened if i didn't leave when i did... Idk if that makes me a sad excuse for a person, but i can't shake that feeling and i wont apolagise for thinking it!  But -- I have made my choice in life and i will live with it/and all the bad ones.

But let me skip ahead a few days up to today -- I have made i decision: As it seems the health care here where i live doesn't think i deserve treatment and cause of that i stopped "healing" my self like i tried to do before. I haven't taken any meds in almost two months and i must admit i am feeling the effects of that as i'm sitting here(and every day). But, i honestly do not give a shit about it anymore -- It easy, i bottle everything up and don't share my "deep" problems with anyone anymore. It's easyer for me to cope with them that way, but it is hard enough just to do that.  But - i'm not complaining :) Life is what life is, i got served the shitty fucking part of it with a spec of hope on the side.. (Why keep on hope? It hasn't given me anything up to now anyway) ... But i have a son and a girlfriend, so i gotta keep up the facade and keep going until i'm burned out, what happens when i burn out is anyones guess...

"Hi ken, how are you?" "Oh, you know, i'm good :)" Easyer to lie and get out of the situation than having to think about my problems even more...  I shouldn't be allowed to write all of this in here.. i'm a fucked up person i think, i mean..damn.. look at what i'm writing! I think all of these thoughts n' stuff is better inside of my head :)

"I’m not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We’ll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you’re not alone
Holla if you feel like you’ve been down the same road"

(Og Lis, les du den her så går eg ifra deg!)