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Can't excape

This black hole is dragging me back again. For a month or so I thought I had beat it. I was feeling good, I was working out again, I was actually happy.

See, I moved to NH to be with my kid, her birth mother, my ex, moved her there so that my kid could be closer to her half siblings, and she could start a Master's program. SHe lied to me telling me she didn't get into any schools in CA. I ended up moving out there a year later. Once there my ex told me she actually DID get into schools in CA but she knew if she moved across country I would move there also. My depression got worse because of a number of reasons and I was sick and unhappy. I moved back to CA in June and my ex and my kid both told me SEVERAL times that they supported me and was ok with me moving back to CA. I talked to my ex about having our daughter visit me for the Christmas vacation. Again both agreed. I visited them in Sept and had a great time with my daughter, but got into a huge fight with my ex. I should of known then that my daughter wouldnt be coming for CHristmas, but I still hoped. My daughter told me she was excited about coming. Then last week my ex told me through a text that my daughter did not want to come visit me and didnt know how to tell me herself. I talked to my daughter and she only would say she just didn't want to come. My ex told me my daughter was still very mad at me for leaving her. I have tried many times to talk to her about my leaving and always she would tell me she understood and was not angry with me. IT was a lie!! See she tells me what she thinks I want to hear because she can't stand me being mad or upset, so she hides her true feelings from me. Ive written her a letter trying once again to explain to her and tell her that she needs to tell me her true feelings so we can move past the problems. This last bout of depression was the worst Ive ever experienced and if it werent for the fact that my killing myself would screw up my kid for the rest of her life , I wouldn't be here today. Now I don't even feel like I have her anymore and maybe everyone would be better off without me around. Yes I know my fanily and friends love me and would be devestated, but I am soooooo tired of this pain, this darkness! I was in a good space, I was happy, then I got kicked in the heart again, now the depression is back pulling me towards that black hole. My daughter is 13

Where do I really belong?

This past year my depression was the worst it has ever been! But Ive mentioned that in other posts. Most of the time I feel like I dont belong anywhere!!

Im happy in my relationship, as happy as I can be trying to get back to a better place. Im not even comfortable in my own skin. I talk to my DR about my medications, I go to therapy, but in the end I still don't belong anywhere. I know I have a lot of people who love and care about me, it isnt that at all. I LOVE being with my daughter, but I even feel out of place when Im with her. I hate this disease! Sometomes I just want to sleep forever! Im soooo tired of feeling down, trying to find energy to leave the house, living....

I hate my life!!!!

I am sooo tired of these medications and their side effects! If I dont take them I am so low I cant even talk to ppl. Im on one with the lowest sexual side effects and the last week Im still having sexual problems because of the meds. It just makes me feel worse and the depression worse. I HATE my life!!!!

Robin Williams

I know Im late posting a blog about Robin Williams. It was soo sad that this man who made so many people happy couldn't find his that awful morning he decided to give up. I saw sooo many posts on FB saying how weak and what a coward he was! It made me really angry! Yes I know people love me even if I don't feel worthy of it, I know they do. It's the feeling that no where feels comfortable enough to be home. I moved across country and was misserable and moved back and now feel as if I made a mistake moving back! Im tired of the chronic pain, everyday I wake up hurting, it takes my body a while to get moving. I think of reasons to leave the house but don't unless I have to go to the Drs or groceries. I know everyone's depression is different for them, but hearing of this man's death and the responses to it, I realized just how close I came this year in checking out also. My little girl was going through a very hard time emotionally and I spent long hours talking to her. The one thing that keeps me here is that little girl. Iknow she loves me and misses me now that I don't live with her, but that's not what keeps me living. What keeps me living is the knowledge that if her "Omie" gave up and killed herself, it would not only screw up her head and heart for the rest of her life, it would some how give her permission to follow. Im not saying she would, just that it would be in her head. We talked alot about suicide so I know how her mind works...well as much as anyone can know that much about anyone else. SO yes! I do understand WHY Robin Williams checked out, I understand the pain, that darkness that never compeletly leaves even in the happiest of times. Ive always said it is harder to live than to die, but sometimes people just cant find that comfortable place where they feel good and belong. RIP MR Williams.

PEOPLE!!!

People can be so frustrating! As I have stated before I have a chronic pain condition due to injuries from work. I have been dealing with this for almost 9 yrs now. I worked for the state of CA so my retirement includes a portion of my salary at the time of injury, full lifetime medical coverage, and lifetime medical attention to my injuries from Workmans Comp. I do have a case against the state which I partially settled recently. Well although WC still is required to provide care for my injuries, for the past 2 weeks they have been denying my refills on pain medications. I have done everything I was told needed to be done from making sure the Drs office requested approvals to continuing to communicate with the pharmacy. I have left several messages with my lawyers but they have not answered me. Pain only makes my depression worse! I can see now why people end up obtaining pain meds from many different sources. Not legal, but I do understand the reasons. Like depression, unless a person has chronic pain they really don't understand what youre going through. Ive had my mother tell me I just needed to try and be happy "don't think about negative things and you';ll be happy" If it were only as easy as that! I ask for an increase in my pain meds because I really don't like living with a pain of 8 out of 10 on the pain scale day in and day out. I am looked at or treated as if I am an addict who is just seeking a high. Im really tired of it, and it's making me feel worse.

Chronic Pain...

I have injuries resulting from an injury at work that occured almost 9 yrs ago. Ive had several surgeries and need even more. This constant pain makes my depression worse. THings most people can do with no problem, is a struggle for me. Having 2 bad shoulders, I can't even go grocery shopping with out someone there to help me carry things, or even reach for things off the shelves. People who don't have to deal with this condition have a hard time understanding. I'm not lazy, exagerating, or drug seeking. I would much rather be still working at a job I loved making good money with great benefits.

Just Sad

Everyday is the same. I get up make my gf a lunch for work and we have breakfast together. The rest of my morning is spent watching tv trying to find the energy to leave the house today. It is getting harder and harder to even do my homework for school (im in a masters program). I wish I didn't feel this way. Seems when Im not irritable Im  sad. I know the Dr is still working with my meds and I hope to feel better from that, but the little things I can do to help seems like a HUGE effort! I don't want to be or feel like this...just sad. :-(

Depression at it's worst

Out of all the years I have suffered from Anxiety/Depression, this year has been the worst for me. 2 Yrs ago June my ex moved to the east coast with my daughter. My relationship was failing and I needed to get a way so I moved back there a yr ago this past May. I am a Cali girl born and raised so the harsh winter and humid summers did me in. The doctors screwed up and I was taken off of all my medications. My HRT, Antianxiety meds and Antidepressants. I got sooo depressed that when I wasnt irritable I found it very hard to even talk to my daughter! Im back in Cali for a number of reasons my health being the main one, but Im still trying to get my meds right. The drs out here in Cali put me back on everything but are still trying to adjust them to help me feel better. Although Im not AS grumpy! I am still grumpy more than not. Well you people who sufffer from this disease know what I am going through. If my daughter didn't need me and I knew it wouldn't seriousily mess up her head for life, I'd be finished with  this world. My body hurts constantly from my chronic pain condition, I miss my child, and most days I bug myself. The black hole I speak of is getting sooo deep and so dark, with the walls getting slippery.

Today

Had a great weekend, It was my 30th year high school reunion it was really nice seeing people I grew up with. The depression actually left me alone for long periods this weekend. Now it's Sunday night the reunion is over and depression is back. I talk to my daughter on the phone twice a week, now she just turned 13 and runs out of things to talk about with her mother, but it still makes me sad. I miss her so much my heart hurts. I know kids run out of things to say to parents especially at her age, but I still get sad about it because I miss her. But I don't let her know it. After all shes only a kid. I know she misses me and loves me too. Shes excited Im coming for a visit in Sept. I just wish i could go longer than a few hours feeling good. This dressions feels like a dark thing waiting to pull me back into that dark hole. How do I beat it? Is there any hope really?

This Depression and the dark hole

I have been struggling with depression for many many years. If I could draw a picture of what I feel most of the time, it would be me struggling to climb out of a deep dark hole. Just when I get to the top and think I can get out of it, life happens sending me down into the darkness again where I try not to fall too deep, afraid of what the bottom might bring. When I first started working with mentally ill people at the state hospital, I kept going off of my anti-depressants. I was a Psychiatric Technician! I could handle this on my own!! Each time depression would come back and that dark hole suck me in. Back then in my early 20's I was young and thinking like a youth, I could handle ANYTHING! Plus the hole wasn't so deep or dark then either. I guess it started getting deeper and darker after my 8 year relationship ended and I had to move out of the house we shared and away from my then 4 year old little girl. Since I wasn't the birthmother she had to stay behind. I did see her everyother weekend and holidays, but going from being with her everyday to that was very painful. Right before my relationship ended my older brother Mark came into my life. My mother had been only 15 when she had him and was forced to put him up for adoption. SHe had been looking for many years, so had he, they finally found each other. My brother and I were only 11 months apart in age, my mom had me when she was 16 and her parents didnt have the heart to make her give up another baby. I do have a brother 12yrs younger than me from a different father, but I don't think of him as a half anything, just my brother. Mark had many problems perscription drug abuse as one of them. We became close and had soo much in common you would've thought we were twins. I tried to help him with his drug addiction but couldn't. He was very hard to be around and even harder to live with, so I moved out and began another relationship. Less than a yr later he OD'd and my mother found him dead in his apt. The darkness in me really began when I couldn't be with my daughter full time anymore. When my brother died the hole got much much deeper. I struggled with guilt over his death, for a long time. I was injured by a patient at work which ended my career and began my chronic pain condition which has included 4 surgeries with even more to come. Although, Ive stayed on my meds, they keep stopping working for me. Now at 47yrs old Ive been on so many that when Drs ask me what Ive tried I have them just read off a list, there's just too many to name. I'm going to end this here although there is much more to my story, but that's the start of my deep dark hole that keeps trying to draw me deeper and deeper into it.  Bye for now...

Something about me

I am a 47 year old lesbian woman, I have a daughter who lives with her birth mother. I am currently in a Master's program to be an MFT. I was a Senior Psych Tech for 20+ yrs, and worked at a state mental hospital. I was attacked and injured 8 1/2 yrs ago. I have suffered from Depression/Anxiety for many many many years. My therapist recentlly asked me to keep a journal, so I thought about this. Maybe my stories, experiences, struggles and feelings can help someone else know they aren't the only ones who feel a certain way. If anything maybe it will make them laugh or smile at my crazy life and that's ok also. Glad to meet everyone. My name's Gina

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